The plan… for now

So a lot happened today and I don’t feel like I want to talk about it anymore.  This blog is going to change – for awhile, maybe forever.  I don’t know.  A lot of things are changing and here is my list so far:

  1. Facebook and Instagram are going bye-bye because I use it to compare my life to everyone else’s.  That triggers anxiety.
  2. This blog is turning into a fiction-only blog.  I decided that sharing my life isn’t for me anymore and I want to start my journey into writing erotica.
  3. I must make more time for my friends and family
  4. I must make more time for myself: indulging in hobbies I have forgotten about, reading more books, at-home spa days, long baths, etc.  All the things that make me feel good about myself.
  5. No more binge drinking with my coworkers.  This is self-explanatory.
  6. I am switching up my workout routine to be more fun for awhile.  The intensity was too much.
  7. Journaling – in a real journal.  I might get one of those coloring books for adults while I’m at it.
  8. And, finally, I am going to learn to meditate.  I already do yoga so this will be a good addition.

I am sure this list will grow as I get going, but I’m feeling optimistic.  So you probably won’t see any personal updates from me for awhile.  But, I’ll be around!

Also, I got a lot of really amazing, supportive comments and messages from more than a few people on my last posts and I am so appreciative of that.  ❤ ❤

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Reality vs Fantasy

So last week I posted a little snip of something I was working on (see: Hunted) and promptly developed writer’s block.  Go fucking figure.

I also realized I was thinking way too hard to write erotica.  I got a few books from Amazon that contained tips on writing erotica (and they came with kinky thesauruses!). I forgot one major thing, I want to write erotica and not a literary masterpiece. It’s basically brain candy… kinky brain candy.  I’m not going to put out a steaming pile of poop, but I’m also not going to break my brain trying to write it.

I got stuck on the ‘reality’ part.  Then I realized, it doesn’t matter if my character fucks her boss or her professor or a police officer for some sort of personal gain.  IT’S EROTICA. It doesn’t matter that these things might be frowned upon in real life, because it’s a fantasy!  Maybe some of us have super realistic fantasies, but I know mine are not and I am probably not alone.

When I was still living in a different city, there was this gorgeous police officer named Thor.  Yes, that was actually his name.  I won’t pretend I didn’t dream about him spanking me for speeding… and then fucking me in the back of his squad car.  Realistic? Hell no.  Did it turn me on?  YES.

Hunted

The darkness.. the silence.. the leaves rustling. I can’t stay here, such an easy target. Somewhere he is lurking… waiting.  Waiting for his prey to wander across his path, helpless and lost.  I know he is close.   No one to hear the screams, he said when we were still in the light.  

I should run.  I should… a twig snaps, a hand clasps over my mouth…

Too late, girl.  

 

Stella and the Brand New Life

I was not born to be an accountant, but somehow I ended up as one.  I was not born to be unhappy and unsatisfied with my life, but here I am… unhappy and unsatisfied.  Guess what?  I’m done.  I have a lot of things to be happy about (Sir, friends, family, life) and a lot of dreams that I know I can make a reality with a little perseverance.

I am NOT about to go out and quit my job, but I am going to start focusing a lot more on my goals and my dreams.  The thing I always fail to remember is that they are absolutely attainable if I only put forth effort.  And, before that thought even gets stuck in your head, nope, it does not make me less submissive to go after my own goals.  Self-fulfillment is the only way to tap into my true self and the only way to truly allow my submissive self to come forward.

So, no, crunching numbers is not my future.  Maybe I’m not 100% sure what it will be yet, but I know I’m on the horizon of figuring it out.  I know I want to do something that will benefit others just as much as myself.  I want to really tap into my creative side and unleash a part of me that no one has ever seen.  It isn’t going to be easy and it isn’t going to happen overnight, but I know I’m on the right track and keeping this mindset is the only way to make it happen.

Negotiations, rules, & contracts. Oh my!

Hellloooo!

That scene makes me laugh out loud every single time. ❤  Also, it has literally zero things to do with this blog post.

The actual point of this blog post is to complete the next prompt that I received in my e-mail from Loving BDSM (you can see previous writing prompts here). This one is about contracts and negotiations.  I added rules to the title because I’m going to touch on that a little too!

“People read the word “negotiation” and imagine some sort of back and forth thing around a table in a formal way.  It can be that, sure, but mostly it’s just the conversation you have to figure out what kind of D/s relationship you want for yourself.  Submissives have the right to, and should, ask why a rule/task/ritual is being put in place and both sides should have the freedom to disagree, suggest other things, and make sure their needs are being met.

Negotiations aren’t a one time thing either.  You’ll come back to this over and over again in your relationship.  Will you have a contract?  Do you need a checklist?  What exactly does a negotiation sound like?”

Well, right off the bat, I will tell you that Sir and I do NOT have a contract and we probably never will.  To me, they are a bit unnecessary.  I honestly mean no offense to anyone who has a contract as part of their D/s, but it isn’t for me.  We haven’t gone through any type of checklist either.

Do we negotiate?  Of course.  I actually had to discuss this with Sir a little because from our relationship thus far it has seemed like negotiation was never really a thing.  Oh, but it was and definitely is a thing!  If I am uncomfortable with something, I tell him and, thus, we negotiate.  It’s basically a constant negotiation.

Back to the contracts, this doesn’t mean I don’t have rules, tasks, etc.  I do and I keep a list of them on my phone.  Instead of signing my name to something, I just agree that I am going to follow these rules and accept any consequences for breaking them.  So perhaps it is more contract-ish that I though.  However, contract or not, the option to walk away is always there.  Not that I’m about to exercise that option.  I am still a very smitten kitten.  ❤ ❤ ❤

Keep an eye out for Sir’s answer to this prompt, I’m sure it’ll be along soon 😉

Also, because I’m now in the habit of adding soundtracks to my posts (literally just songs that have nothing to do with anything and happened to be playing as I typed…).

Heavy metal & kinky workouts

This is going to be more of a personal post, I think.  I even added a soundtrack for you at the bottom!  Heavy metal Stella is out in full force.  I am certain my neighbors love me as I scream let the bodies hit the floor at the top of my lungs.  They either love me or they are in the process of calling the police.  One of those things.

Sometimes it feels good though, you know?  Letting go…

I didn’t really have a good weekend.  A lot of anxiety and I really wasn’t a very good girl, so I am sure whatever is coming for the rules I broke will be… fun.  Lot’s of sarcasm in that.  Sometimes I get a little desperate for attention and forget to use my brain.  Not an excuse.

I haven’t talked about this a lot, but for the past four weeks (almost five now!!) I have been on a pretty big fitness kick.  I got Beachbody on Demand and have been absolutely loving it.  Don’t worry, I am NOT a Beachbody coach and have no intentions of becoming one so I will not be annoying you all with constant promotion.  BUT, I’m getting muscles! It’s exciting.

99% percent of the reasons for my fitness kick have to do with my health, but the other 1% are much more fun.  😉  Perhaps I have some fantasies about being tied up in all sorts of positions that would be impossible without being physically fit.  I also very much enjoy testing my body, whether it be through physical stamina or pain limits.

So, yeah, when I workout I think about being tied up.  It helps, try it!  Kink makes everything better, even exercise.  Someone needs to start a kinky workout program, if there isn’t one already.  I’m not really sure what that would entail?  It still needs to happen. 😉