Ughhh

The bills started arriving from the hospital today – exciting.  Luckily they’re willing to work with me but it’s still going to be tough to make the minimum payments.  I am still struggling to not regret going to the hospital.  I very much understand the severity of the infection and that it was actually an emergency… but fuck.  Why can I never get ahead in life?  The universe sees I am making progress and then just knocks me right back down.

I considered getting a roommate, but then I realized that wouldn’t work.  I live alone because I cannot get along with anyone for an extended period of time.  It doesn’t matter how much I like someone, sometimes I need a break.  Even the cats get on my nerves occasionally.

I’d like to sit outside but since my ex-boyfriend moved in to a neighboring building, I can’t even do that.  In fact, I can see him now from my window.  He is always there.  Sometimes I have nightmares that he is standing outside my bedroom window in the middle of the night – I mean, I think they’re nightmares.  Even the tiniest shadow of movement makes me jump out of my skin.  I won’t be moving though, that is way out of my budget.  I don’t know if he’s dangerous or not.

Ugh. My life.  In the grand scheme of things, it really isn’t so bad.  I know.

I’ve been listening to Taylor Swift all day.  I’ve always enjoyed her music, don’t judge me.  I identify with her songs.

 

 

No.

I really hate this, writing everyday. It feels like a punishment now. It feels like I’m forcing out words and none of it feels natural.  It doesn’t help my anxiety. I never know what to write because this isn’t how my mind works.

A spectacle

All I really have to say is thank goodness it’s the weekend.  My job isn’t difficult but the amount of drama that goes through the place is ridiculous.  Also, I got saddled with training the new guy.  He’s a nice kid.  Extremely religious which I find odd within the workplace.   Most people don’t put sign up sheets by their desks that say ‘how can I pray for you?’  Whatever floats his boat, I guess.  He tends to avoid us all like the plague, especially since he witnessed the drunken spectacle that is the team yesterday at the baseball game. I told my friend this morning that we must all smell like Satan to him.

I’m kidding. Not about the drunken spectacle part… but, you know, the smelling part.  I’m surprised the company even let’s us go near alcohol at this point.  There is drama but we really do have more fun than all the other teams.  They don’t laugh as much as we do.

I feel so strange.  I’m not sure what the deal is, it isn’t good or bad.  It’s NOT a hangover.

You know what sounds good right now? I just want to curl up next to Sir and my kitty cats.  That’s all.  It’s getting harder and harder to be so far from him.

Tangled web

Today, like any other time I’ve spent outside of work with my coworkers, was interesting.  It’s like being a outsider looking in on others weaving tangled webs that are nothing but trouble.

I’m too exhausted to even want to talk about it.  Sometimes I wish I hadn’t made friends with the people I work with..

A solution

I survived last night’s storm and luckily didn’t lose power (though it did flicker a few times, 70 mph winds will do that) like many of my coworkers did.

I figured out that if I keep my brain busy, my anxiety stays down.  The only exception is storms.. they make me nervous when I’m alone.  The solution? Not only am I learning one new language… I’m learning THREE new languages.  Swedish, Spanish, and German.. go me!  I need a challenge and my job isn’t providing one so I created my own.

Storm

I’m not sure how I feel about being ordered to write every day.  Somedays I have nothing to write about.

There’s a storm coming and I’m anxious as hell.  Severe weather at night isn’t my favorite.  You can’t see the danger until it’s too close…

 

 

Relax.

My mother informed me this evening that I worry far too much.  She’s probably right.  I have what is most likely a deep tissue bruise on my arm, but I’m convinced it’s a blood clot and that I’m going to die.  I even marked it so I’d know if it moved or got larger. Paranoia.

I might go back to counseling since I hit my insurance deductible during my most recent adventure in the emergency room.  I also might not, I’ve been feeling okay lately (I attribute my paranoia to my recent ER fun – I assume I’ll be over it soon.).  They still won’t cover it 100%.  We shall see.

I need to relax.  I can’t even imagine how much my happiness would improve if I could simply relax.