Exhausted

All I want to do right now is curl up in a ball under my covers and cry.  I don’t really want to wake up dehydrated with puffy eyes though so I’m trying to keep it together.

As per usual, nothing is actually wrong but my anxiety is high today and I feel so alone.

I’m watching Titanic to distract myself but I’ll have to stop soon.  Once the ship starts sinking, I basically just cry through the rest of the movie.  No puffy eyes…

I still need to continue the 30 days of kink posts I have been doing but every time I look at a prompt my mind just freezes.

I’m at a loss.  I don’t know how to make myself better.  Counseling isn’t anywhere close to being in the financial cards… and there just aren’t other options.

30 Days of Kink Day 3: The beginning

I meant to answer the Day 3 question a few days ago, but as hard as I tried I just could not get any words to spill from my brain.  However, I did mention that this might take me longer than 30 days.. so, I was right!

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

I’m not sure I can pinpoint the exact moment that I realized I was kinky.  I think I knew the second I stumbled across the stories about spanking on some random website that I had different desires.  I’m just kind of glad my parents never checked the search history, I cannot even begin to imagining having to explain myself.

It actually began as an interest in the domestic discipline lifestyle.  In fact, most of the stories I read revolved around it.  I didn’t read stories that I considered overly kinky.  It wasn’t until I was 17 and had my own laptop and internet connection (dial-up, because that’s how cool I was) in my room that I really became interested in BDSM.

I guess the rest is just history, it all snowballed from there. Short answer:  I was an overly curious teenager with an internet connection.

I am not sure when Day 4 will make an appearance, I had originally intended to add it to this post but later changed my mind.  Sir has requested a follow-up post to Day 2, so I shall probably be doing that next if my mind cooperates.

30 Days of Kink Day 2: My Kinks

Day 2 of 30 Days of Kink (find Day 1 here) is: List your kinks.  Sir told me I have to go more in-depth than just listing them so, here we go.

1. Spanking

I couldn’t even begin to tell you when I became interested in spanking or even what triggered the interest.  I do, however, remember that sometimes Ken spanked Barbie.  I have no idea where I would have learned anything like that as I was never spanked as a child.  Then, sometime around age 12, I stumbled across a website about domestic discipline.  I became a little obsessed with the idea…

I kept it a secret until I met my first Dom, Jason.  I’ve talked about him here before.  He wasn’t very good at spanking for play, but he did give me a pretty good one as a punishment once.  My first experience with the belt and it was well deserved, I promise. It was the first and last time a punishment of his was consensual, before the drinking problem and before the world slipped out from under my feet….

After that, I met a Dom who was basically solely into spanking.  He gave me some pretty good bruises but that is literally all I wanted from him.  I just needed to forget Jason and his little leather paddle with the star shaped cutouts did the trick, even if it was just temporarily.  I led him on and I will always feel a little bit guilty.

I have no idea what excites me so much.  Perhaps its the whole pleasure/pain dynamic or maybe its the feeling of surrendering to another person, trusting them to not damage me beyond repair.  I don’t have a high pain tolerance at all, but I enjoy challenging myself to see how much I can take.

2. Bondage

I’m not shocked that I grew up to be interested in bondage.  I always had this strange desire to be tied up.  Sometimes when I was pretty young, myself and some of the other kids in the neighborhood would tie each other up.  Besides that, I haven’t had much experience here either except with Jason which I’m sure is a huge shock.

I had a pirate wench costume that had these long pieces that were supposed to tie around the sleeves to add detail but Jason used them to keep hands tied behind my back. Otherwise, I’ve been tied, spread-eagle, to the bed a few times by a guy I was seeing.. until I found out he was married.

It’s the feeling of being out of control that I love so much.  I love feeling helpless, I love not being able to move, and I love being at someone else’s mercy.  Add a blindfold, and maybe a gag, and I’ll be a damn puddle at your feet.  Tied down and spanked.  Tied down and fucked.  So, so good. 😉 Also, orgasms feel so much stronger to me when I am completely immobile.

3. Orgasm Denial 

I have never been very good at this one, but I love it for whatever reason.  My intense need to please comes in here, I think.  I actually get pretty upset if I cum when I haven’t been given permission and it happens a lot because I really can’t control it, especially when someone else is touching me.  It just happens.

I played for a few months with a Dom who tried to help me by using my hatred of the wooden spoon against me.  It actually did help a little because I would do pretty much anything to avoid that fucking spoon.

4. Anal play/plugs/etc

I like anal play because it makes me feel submissive.  I have only one experience with actual anal sex, but I have plenty of experience with the plug.  I only have a small one, but it has been well used.

The same Dom from above, the one who liked to use the wooden spoon, was also the Dom who bought me my first plug.  I’ll never ever forget the first time he made me bend over the couch so he could slide it in me, like an instant feeling of submissiveness.  It still has that same effect, a little bit like a kinky pacifier.  Sometimes it’s all that’s needed to cure this girl of a bratty attitude.

 

5. Consensual Non-consent

I have fantasies about being abducted, I admit it.  By someone I trust, of course.  I am not interested in doing anything at all with a stranger.  It’s that feeling of being out of control and at someone else’s mercy again.  The idea drives me crazy.  You know, being snuck up on, taken, brought to some random location (or not so random, whatever).. tied up… clothes ripped off.. fucked.  I can pretend to struggle but actually be enjoying every last second.

No experience with this at all though, for now it lives purely in my fantasies.

 

This was difficult for me to write.  I don’t know why.  I am not used to being open about my kinks.. and I feel like this is still a far cry from ‘open’.

30 Days of Kink: Day 1 – My Kinky Self

Lately I have been searching for writing prompts for this blog.  This blog is supposed to be about my experiences as a submissive woman, but I so rarely talk about anything directly related to D/s, BDSM, or kink.  That is about to change – I want (need..) to learn to be more open.

I found 30 days worth of kink related questions via a google search (I’ll link it here so it can be traced back to its origin).  To be truthful, this will probably take me longer than 30 days.  I do not intend on writing every single day unless the inspiration happens to strike.

If you are aware of any other writing prompts related to D/s, BDSM, etc, please let me know!

So, let us begin:

Day 1 –  Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting, in-depth definition of what that means to you.  Define your kinky self for us.

Well, I think the first part of this question is fairly obvious.  Submissive Stella is indeed a submissive.  😉  But, do not misunderstand, I am not a doormat.  I am only submissive for one person.  I am not afraid to stand my ground when necessary, especially at work or within my social circles.

Defining my kinky self is difficult – I could tell you how much I like to be spanked or tied up or fucked but that really only scratches the surface, right?  In my world, kink is about a lot more than just sex.  Kink and submission is part of who I am so perhaps if I just define myself, that will be the answer.

Stella.  28. Taurus.  Lives somewhere on a windy plain that sometimes turns into a frozen tundra.  Likes cats, margaritas, The Office, heavy metal (also, Taylor Swift. Don’t judge.), and sarcastic humor.

Submissive.  Enjoys spankings (except the punishment kind) and cuddles.  100% monogamous.  Kind of confused about life.  Intuitive but also analytical.  Cautious. Girly girl.

You know.. for some reason this is triggering emotions that I don’t feel like feeling right now.  I’m going to wrap it up and I’ll come back with Day 2 soon!

Ring of fire

This week has been far better than my previous weeks.  Most notably, I do not burst into random tears at random times throughout the day and night.  I am almost back to my usual smitten kitten, daydreamy, heart-eyed self.Emoji

Running away was not my best idea.  Not even in the realm of a good idea, BUT I learned some things:

  1. I am a submissive and it does not matter whether you or anyone else agrees with me. I know I am, and that’s that.  On that same note, I must stop comparing myself to other submissives.
  2. I did not confuse lust and love.  I missed Sir more during that week than I have ever missed anyone or anything in my entire life, so much so that it was physically painful. (You know, like… it burns, burns, burns… the ring of fire)  That is not lust.
  3. I need to trust.  Sir has beyond proven that he deserves that trust.   All of the times he could have given up on me and he did not.

I think I have been trying harder lately – to be a better submissive and a better person in general.  I did not just wake up one day and decide to be submissive, I have known since I was a teenager.  Running away and giving up seemed like the easiest option at the time and it absolutely was not.  Not at all.

I’m back!

Quite a bit has happened since I last wrote, a public post at least.  It was a bit of a meltdown, the constant questioning and anxiety that is constantly going on in my head just got to me.  Instead of lashing out, I just ran away… from this blog, this life, and from Sir.

I thought that leaving my submission in the rear-view mirror would feel like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  It didn’t.  For a week, all I did was cry – cried myself to sleep, cried in the shower, cried in the bathroom at work.

I ran away and he was still there when I came back.  I don’t think I deserve him, but I’m not sure what I would have done if he wasn’t there.

It happened and it’s over.  Life isn’t perfect, but things will be okay.  The lesson here is that apparently running away doesn’t solve anything.  Anddd that’s all I want to say about that.  Lesson learned.

 

In other news, I have been extremely aware lately that I do not have any sexual fantasies.  Who doesn’t have those!?  Of course, there are things that turn me on but not one detailed fantasy that runs through my mind.

So I have been trying REALLY hard to think of something that qualifies as a fantasy.  I don’t have what I consider a ‘dirty’ mind (unless I’ve been drinking) so it’s difficult for me to reach into those deep, dark parts of my brain.

But there is one thing that comes to mind – abduction.  I have fantasized about that.  I don’t mean being abducted by a total stranger.  Just role play.  Anything that makes me feel powerless….