When I was hanging out with a Dom a few months ago – I was never truly present. I wanted to submit. I really, really did. But, it wasn’t to him I wanted to submit. He spanked really well (and that’s about it) but I was never really submissive, just going through the motions.
I met up with him because I was frustrated and also because I felt pressure from people in my life (mother, friends… etc) to give someone, anyone, a chance. Granted, they had no idea about the Dom part. Mostly, I was frustrated. There were better options so far out of my reach and I had had enough. I felt like I was wasting my time.
I don’t want ‘just’ a Dom, I want something real… a real connection. I can’t be submissive without becoming attached – and attachment, for me, rarely ends in anything other than complete devastation. I don’t want that to happen again…
I’m not sure where I’m trying to go with the post, but I felt the need to type something out. I am feeling that frustration again – that I’m wasting my time, that maybe the things I want aren’t attainable. I just… don’t know.