I wish you would.

Feed on me
You know I’m never far

I’ve been struggling against my submissive side again.  There is a piece of me, after all the abuse, that still sees it as a weakness.  That isn’t true.  I know that.

I still think about Jason.  He still appears in my dreams.  Let’s be clear, I am not still in love with him.  He was the first one I ever felt submissive towards.  I think there is always a little piece of me that will remember.

I was that desperate little girl who would answer his angry, drunken phone calls at 3 AM just because I needed to know he was alive.  It didn’t matter that he had ended everything only a few weeks before.  My therapist told me to ignore him so I ignored her instead and let him rip me apart.

I don’t think that you see
Exactly what you’re doing to me

I have met other Dominant men.  However after Jason, I forced myself into the vanilla world and ended up with a man who threatened to kill me at least once a week.  Then I found Derek.  I wasn’t attracted to him but he was a Dom and we seemed to agree on a lot.  Derek wanted a slave and I am not a slave.

Derek tried so hard to turn me into something I did not want to be.  I wanted to submit and be a “good girl” because it had been so long.  He bought me a butt plug and a collar and forced them on to me.  As you can imagine, it too crashed.

Give me a reason to burn this house down
I wish you would

There is so much more to these two, especially Jason, and in time I will expand.  The song I have inserted throughout this post popped into my Spotify playlist and it made me want to write.

But what do these mini-stories have to do with weakness?  As they continue to beat down on my sense of self-worth, I began to see myself as weak.  I associated my submission with weakness when in reality I believe it shows great strength to surrender to someone like that.

Today is one of those days where I still see the weakness in the mirror.  I know that the sun is on the horizon, but it certainly doesn’t feel like it.

stella

Lyrics from the song Give Me A Reason by Three Days Grace.

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