Feed on me
You know I’m never far
I’ve been struggling against my submissive side again. There is a piece of me, after all the abuse, that still sees it as a weakness. That isn’t true. I know that.
I still think about Jason – the one who destroyed me. He still appears in my dreams. Let’s be clear, I am not still in love with him. He was a narcissistic alcoholic, but he was the first one I ever felt submissive towards. I think there is always a little piece of me that will remember.
I was that desperate little girl who would answer his angry, drunken phone calls at 3 AM just because I needed to know he was alive. It didn’t matter that he had ended everything only a few weeks before. My therapist told me to ignore him so I ignored her instead and let him rip me apart.
I don’t think that you see
Exactly what you’re doing to me
I have met other Doms. However after Jason, I forced myself into the vanilla world and ended up with a man who threatened to kill me at least once a week. Then I found Derek. I wasn’t attracted to him but he was a Dom and we seemed to agree on a lot. Derek wanted a slave and I am not a slave.
Derek never physically hurt me like Jason did but he tried so hard to turn me into something I did not want to be. I wanted to submit and be a “good girl” because it had been so long. He bought me a butt plug and a collar and forced them on to me. As you can imagine, it too crashed.
Give me a reason to burn this house down
I wish you would
There is so much more to these two Doms, especially Jason, and in time I will expand. The song I have inserted throughout this post popped into my Spotify playlist and it made me want to write.
But what do these mini-stories have to do with weakness? These are the only two real-life BDSM experiences I have had (besides a two time play session I had once. That’s another story.). As they continue to beat down on my sense of self-worth, I began to see myself as weak. I associated my submission with weakness when in reality I believe it shows great strength to surrender to someone like that.
Today is one of those days where I still see the weakness in the mirror. I know that the sun is on the horizon, but it certainly doesn’t feel like it.
Lyrics from the song Give Me A Reason by Three Days Grace.