I talk a lot about Jason, my first Dom, and all the bad things that happened in that relationship. It didn’t start that way. His alcohol problem manifested itself about halfway through our time together and before that it was good. So good. I think that’s why I had such a hard time letting go of him. He was the first person I was ever honest with about my interest in BDSM and my submissive desires.
Where did all this come from!? A Dom I exchanged a few messages with asked me to describe my submissiveness. I never know what to say when they ask that.. is it even possible? It is different for everyone but I feel like my description won’t be uncommon.
My submission comes only when I feel a connection has been established and once its been tapped into, its intense. I’m fiercely loyal by nature but my submission brings it out further. All I want to do is please and it consumes me entirely. It almost feels like standing on the edge of a cliff and trusting that the world won’t fall away under your feet.
Of course, the Earth did fall away.
Jason and I lived four hours away from each other, so we only got to spend time together a few weekends a month. The sound of his voice on the phone was enough to pull me into subspace almost instantly. He’d call me anytime, even at 3 in the morning after I had just suffered yet another night terror. All I wanted was to make him happy and I did everything within my capabilities to do so. In return, he made it clear that though we were miles apart most of the time, he would always be there when I needed him.
It wasn’t all bad.
I guess when the alcoholism took hold, I felt like I failed as a submissive. I know now that I did not, but it really broke me. Part of me is still very broken but that is temporary.
I wanted to write this because I realized I talk about my experiences but never my submission itself. It is so difficult to put into words.