The past few weeks have been a struggle. Between my anxiety and depression being at some of the highest levels ever and trying to meet the expectations I have set for myself, I am exhausted. I have not been myself and it’s been more obvious than ever lately. I cry a lot. And I mean, A LOT. As in, I had to stop typing this post multiple times so I could pull myself together. It’s regret and loneliness and the most crippling sadness I have ever felt.
I have NOT had any suicidal thoughts but sometimes when I close my eyes, I wish that I could keep them closed forever. I wish that I could rewind my life to the moment when the ground disappeared from under my feet. I am desperately grasping out for the ledge, but the free fall continues.
At this point I am not sure where to turn. I cannot afford (and my insurance does not cover) counseling, which is what I want. Please do not think I have not been making an effort because I have been. I went out last night with friends and did two workouts today because I thought they might help relieve some anxiety. The relief was temporary.
My need for attention has been a struggle, too – I don’t think I’ve set my phone down once except for when I was working out.
Today just has not been a good day. My attempts at fixing my mistakes fell on deaf ears and I still don’t feel better. AND, I listened to some random person tell me I am a terrible person because of my political views. So, that was awesome.
This is what happens when I let people into my life. They destroy me and I, stupidly, let them.