You want honesty?

The past few weeks have been a struggle.  Between my anxiety and depression being at some of the highest levels ever and trying to meet the expectations I have set for myself, I am exhausted.  I have not been myself and it’s been more obvious than ever lately.  I cry a lot.  And I mean, A LOT.  As in, I had to stop typing this post multiple times so I could pull myself together.  It’s regret and loneliness and the most crippling sadness I have ever felt.

I have NOT had any suicidal thoughts but sometimes when I close my eyes, I wish that I could keep them closed forever.  I wish that I could rewind my life to the moment when the ground disappeared from under my feet.  I am desperately grasping out for the ledge, but the free fall continues.

At this point I am not sure where to turn.  I cannot afford (and my insurance does not cover) counseling, which is what I want. Please do not think I have not been making an effort because I have been.  I went out last night with friends and did two workouts today because I thought they might help relieve some anxiety.  The relief was temporary.

My need for attention has been a struggle, too – I don’t think I’ve set my phone down once except for when I was working out.

Today just has not been a good day.  My attempts at fixing my mistakes fell on deaf ears and I still don’t feel better.  AND, I listened to some random person tell me I am a terrible person because of my political views.  So, that was awesome.

This is what happens when I let people into my life.  They destroy me and I, stupidly, let them.

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One thought on “You want honesty?”

  1. I don’t care about letting people into my life anymore. People just hurt you, so I stay away from them now. It’s sad, really. I never used to be this way. I always used to love making friends and hanging out.

    Like

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