Word vomit.. and then some

Today has been different.  I woke up at 3 AM, nightmares.  It was different this time though.  Usually they’re ghost and demons, but this one was a memory.  The smell of whiskey and an angry hand twisted in my hair… I don’t know what in the world made me think of that.  I thought I had finally rid myself of those images.

I spent the last few hours out with some friends.  They wanted margaritas.  I got one, but couldn’t finish it.  All I could think about was that nightmare.  The drink tasted like tequila but all I smelled was whiskey.  I really did have a good time though, I’m lucky to have such good friends/coworkers.

I haven’t talked about kink on here lately, and that was supposed to be the entire reason for starting this blog.  I miss it a lot, but it’s difficult.  Finding someone who both likes me and is interested in/understands that type of connection is no easy task.  There just hasn’t been anything to write about.

Society doesn’t exactly turn a favorable eye on women who identify as submissive.  But, they don’t know anything about me.  All they hear is ‘doormat’ but I wouldn’t be where I am today if that were true.  They don’t see my strength and part of me really resents that. I have been underestimated and invisible my entire life, and I am so so sick of it.

In general, I have been making strides to turn my life into exactly what I want… but I feel like I constantly need to explain that to people.

I just want someone to see ME.  I have a lot to offer… I’m fiercely loyal, I can bake awesome cookies, and sometimes I’m kind of funny.  But, that’s not what everyone sees.  All they see is ‘fat’ and they can’t look past it.  They don’t know that I track my calories obsessively and only eat between 1200-1500 per day.  They don’t see that I workout for at least an hour every. single. day.  Oh, you’ve lost 20 pounds since January 6th?  Too bad, still fat.  Nope, they just see fat and they slap that ‘ugly’ label on before I can even get a word out.

I feel a little bit like a whiny child tonight.  Sometimes I feel guilty and selfish for ever having a negative though.  In comparison to others, my life has been easy.  How dare it not always be rainbows and sunshine?

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