So you may or may not have noticed that my blog’s tagline has changed. Sir pointed out this afternoon that I am not a broken submissive, but a healing one. He’s right of course, so I’m fixing it.
I feel a bit like a giddy teenager – I haven’t thought of much else besides him for the past few days. I was so SO close to giving up on ever finding a Dom and, to be completely honest, I had basically stopped looking. This all still scares me a little bit though – I do not normally get attached THIS quickly.
The biggest issue thus far is that I want to do too much too soon. It makes me really sad when my anxiety/fear from past experiences gets in the way of submitting to and serving Sir in the way that I would like. It makes me feel like I am not a good submissive – even though I know that isn’t really true. It’s that little voice in the back of my head that keeps saying ‘you’re not good enough, you’re always going to fail.’ It’s just a sad side effect of the past and it’ll go away with time. It’ll go away as I learned to more fully trust him.
The distance makes me nervous too. You know? Like, what if this continues to progress? At this point, I’m only going to get more attached. We discussed it a teeny bit today and it did make me feel better. I don’t think this is something I need to worry about right this second though – we can cross that bridge later.
There have been so many good ‘signs’ so far. Out of all the Doms I have ever shared this blog with (it’s really only been a few), he is the ONLY one who actually read it and who seems to be genuinely interested in it. He is also the only Dom who hasn’t gotten impatient with me when my anxiety or panic starts to set in. He doesn’t let me off the hook – but, he helps me.. talks to me.. makes me feel like an actual human being instead of just somewhere to stick his cock.
It’s refreshing and even though I feel anxious opening myself to be this vulnerable (because I honestly fear being broken again), I think this is good. I think Sir is good – he sees and appreciates that I’m truly making an effort and that I really, really do want to please him.