The last week or so feels like it has just flown past – a whirlwind, basically. A good one though. A very good one. I used to struggle so much with my submission. For a long, LONG time I blamed it for all the pain I was feeling. I tried to banish it from my life and I felt empty. I still wonder why I am the way I am and that might never change. However, I am finally accepting it as part of me.
There is a small piece of me that still doesn’t trust it, I feel like this might be a dream and I’m going to wake up at any moment. Wake up and feel that familiar disappointment. I’m trying hard to relax and trust. I do NOT want to project the past on to someone who absolutely does not deserve it. This feels a lot different.
I think of Doms, a term I use loosely in this case, I have had in the past and now I can see exactly what the problem was. They were never truly dominant with me (with exception to Jason), I was always the one calling the shots. Every single time. They didn’t set expectations, rules… they didn’t communicate. Of course it didn’t work, there was too much power struggle. I hate the power struggle. Not to say I don’t enjoy a struggle once in awhile though! 😉 Don’t misunderstand, I’m not complaining… the past is the past for a reason.
I really can’t wait to see how everything plays out. This really does feel a lot different from everything in the past, but there are so many ‘what-ifs’ and I am pretty much the queen of over-thinking.