A bunch of thoughts

The last week or so feels like it has just flown past – a whirlwind, basically.  A good one though.  A very good one.  I used to struggle so much with my submission.  For a long, LONG time I blamed it for all the pain I was feeling.  I tried to banish it from my life and I felt empty.  I still wonder why I am the way I am and that might never change.  However, I am finally accepting it as part of me.

There is a small piece of me that still doesn’t trust it, I feel like this might be a dream and I’m going to wake up at any moment.  Wake up and feel that familiar disappointment.  I’m trying hard to relax and trust.  I do NOT want to project the past on to someone who absolutely does not deserve it.  This feels a lot different.

I think of Doms, a term I use loosely in this case, I have had in the past and now I can see exactly what the problem was.  They were never truly dominant with me (with exception to Jason), I was always the one calling the shots.  Every single time.  They didn’t set expectations,… they didn’t communicate.  Of course it didn’t work, there was too much power struggle.  I hate the power struggle. Not to say I don’t enjoy a struggle once in awhile though! 😉  Don’t misunderstand, I’m not complaining… the past is the past for a reason.

I really can’t wait to see how everything plays out.  This really does feel a lot different from everything in the past, but there are so many ‘what-ifs’ and I am pretty much the queen of over-thinking.

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