Feeling like failure

I woke up feeling off today but I just brushed it off and chalked it up to a poor night’s sleep.  It didn’t improve by the time I got to work and to make matters entirely worse, there wasn’t anything to do.  Mid month is always slow in the finance department (mine, at least) and so I just had to sit there with my thoughts and stare at my email.

Sir sent me a message and tasked me with having two orgasms before I got home for the evening.  Not a terribly difficult task, but trying to cum anywhere that isn’t my home has always been a challenge.  I tried to at least knock one out at work, but the bathrooms always have so many people in them.  I couldn’t relax.  Sir suggested a Starbucks because I guess they have single person bathrooms.  I wouldn’t know, I don’t go there but there is one between work and home so that would work.  One in the Starbucks bathroom and one in my own parking lot, like last time.

Alone in my thoughts, they kept drifting off into memories that made me want to cry.  I tried to distract myself… even my coworkers tried to help me.  I didn’t say anything, but they could tell I wasn’t acting like myself.  We are very close.  I was anxious about Sir’s task too, but I thought if I could just get into the bathroom, it would be fine.

I got as far as the parking lot and then I froze, like a curtain closed over my mind.  It’s been a long time since I’ve had such a severe panic attack.  I couldn’t even breathe… I sat there for awhile but my instinct is to run, to disappear.  I got myself into my garage at least without running away… and then I just sat there and let the emotions go.

Earlier, I read a blog post talking about the worth of a submissive and how it is based on how well they can meet their Dominant’s needs.  So, there I was falling apart in the Starbucks parking lot and feeling like I failed.  I still can’t shake that blog post.  I wish I’d never read it.  I tried, I really, really did.  Why do such simple things cause me the worst anxiety?  It would be nice if I could just wake up one morning and not feel anxious.

I have never felt more like I don’t deserve someone like Sir than I do this evening.



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