I apologize in advance because I think this post is going to be a bit all over the place. There has been so much happening in my life and in my mind, as usual.
First thing’s first, that subject line. I think I’ve probably mentioned, maybe more than once, that I am a submissive. Period. Well, a few weeks ago Sir tasked me with writing a report on the differences between submissives and slaves. Turns out, the differences are almost entirely subjective… and I ended up questioning my submissive status. A lot. At this point, I consider myself to be Sir’s slave (even though not everyone might agree that is the correct title) because he very much owns every piece of me. It’s evolving though and I think it always will.
The word ‘slave’ is still difficult for me, there are so many negative connotations in my mind. I guess that I’m too used to the power tripping douchebags on Collarspace, so, when I think of ‘slave’, I think of a bruised doormat. I know that isn’t true and there are plenty of those in the Master/slave lifestyle that aren’t abusive or abused in the least. I know that, but it’s going to take some time for this negative imagine to completely leave my head. Instead, it’s the idea of giving myself up to him completely that I adore. To have that deep connection and trust Sir so much that I would hand over my entire being to him… that’s what I want, what I need.
Sir makes me feel all warm and melty inside. I have never been an overly mushy person, but I am now. Last night he told me that he had been reading articles about submissives with depression (I suffer from occasional streaks) so that he could have a better idea of how to support me when it happens. I never doubt that he cares about me. Sometimes my anxiety makes it difficult because there is always a little voice in the back of my mind saying otherwise.
I’m not going to pretend there aren’t moments where I don’t actually question him. Usually I just keep it to myself because sometimes the feeling just goes away. For example, one of our current rules involves an exercise schedule and even though it is propelling me towards my own goals, I sometimes wonder if he has ulterior motives. Maybe he really doesn’t think I look good, maybe he would be ashamed to be seen with me. I don’t believe that’s the case because I’ve sent him some photos I’ve thought were truly appalling.. and he hasn’t run away. LOL. But, there is always that little voice in the back of my head trying to convince me I’m not good enough. I’ve never told him that, but he reads this blog and I’m supposed to write as if he isn’t… so he’ll know now!
A few night’s ago I had a dream that I was upset with Sir (because he brought another submissive home, which is one of my most important hard limits. I don’t share. Ever.) and I was being such a bit of a bitch. He told me to go wait for him in another room. I said no and sunk down on the floor, like a child. He grabbed my arm and tried to pull me up, and just as I was beginning to feel guilty… he twisted into a demon. Black eyes, twisted face. I woke up.
Google says that demons in dreams can represent a dangerous person in your life. It does make sense, Sir is dangerous to me. Not because I think he’s ever going to hurt me, but because he has the power to hurt me. He has the power to shatter me but I want that. I want him to have that power because I trust him not to use it.