Every Sunday I type out a post about how much I hate Sundays. Today is no different. I don’t hate them because I barely get to talk to Sir (although I do miss him) but because these are my last hours before yet another week of a job that is boring me to tears.
This particular Sunday is made worse because it’s also my last day of being 27. I know that 28 isn’t old, I don’t think it is… I just thought my life would be a lot different by now.
On a different note – Sir sent me a few links yesterday to posts he thought might interest me or be helpful. Every single one spoke to me in various ways and made me realize a few things. The first being that I need to be better at trusting him. He has given no indication that he is going to hurt me and, unlike all the others, he has raised no red flags in my mind. The second, I need to learn to completely give up control to him.
It’s a defense mechanism, trying to keep hold of even the tiniest shred of control. I love Sir and I want him to have it all. It’s a choice I need to make. My submission at its deepest level is not a choice. I need it, but I still need to make the choice to trust and obey. The choice to hand over the leash.
Rome wasn’t built in a day and none of this is going to happen overnight, but I’ve renewed my resolve. There is a lot of physical distance between Sir and I and it would be easy to just pretend to give up that control, pretend to follow the rules and complete my tasks. I do not and will not do that because I respect (and love!) Sir far too much. Besides, a lot of those rules are propelling me toward my own goals and I would only be selling myself short. He is in control and I trust him. Pleasing him makes me happy and that’s really all I want.