Yesterday was rough. It’s better now but I still feel a little off. To be honest, I’ve just overwhelmed with life. Being in the hospital threw me off and stuck me with so many bills I can’t afford. It’s okay I guess. Somewhere along the line I have to understand my life is more valuable than money… that infection could have killed me. I know that. But why don’t I believe It?
I have Sir and I am thankful. To be quite honest, I worried very much that my rash words would be enough to drive him away. I just had so many feelings… so many anxieties and fears and they all came tumbling out in a series of poorly thought out text messages.
I spent the last 30 minutes writing “I am a good slave because Master tells me so” over and over again. Even now I’m trying to repeat those words in my head, to make them stick. I want to trust him and part of me absolutely does. But part of me is still a terrified little girl.