All I want to do right now is curl up in a ball under my covers and cry.  I don’t really want to wake up dehydrated with puffy eyes though so I’m trying to keep it together.

As per usual, nothing is actually wrong but my anxiety is high today and I feel so alone.

I’m watching Titanic to distract myself but I’ll have to stop soon.  Once the ship starts sinking, I basically just cry through the rest of the movie.  No puffy eyes…

I still need to continue the 30 days of kink posts I have been doing but every time I look at a prompt my mind just freezes.

I’m at a loss.  I don’t know how to make myself better.  Counseling isn’t anywhere close to being in the financial cards… and there just aren’t other options.


4 thoughts on “Exhausted”

  1. Been reading your blog and I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling up and down and emotionally all over the place. You mentioned maybe going back to counseling then wrote it was too expensive. If you don’t mind unsolicited advice… if you know a kind, gentle, friendly counselor, I highly recommend asking if they will do sliding scale sessions with you. That’s where they agree to accept what you can afford. Or since you were recently hospitalized, maybe insurance will pay for it for the rest of the year?

    I’m submissive too. I’m much older than you (could be your mother in fact) but I was a cutter years ago and still struggle with other forms of self-mutilation like picking, hair pulling, etc. Believe me, whatever your past was, you have a fresh, clean, new future ahead of you. You can make it whatever YOU choose. There are plenty of great, kind, caring, loving dominants out there. Maybe there is a kink-aware therapist somewhere near you or you could do skype sessions. Check out : “kink aware counselors” on google and there’s a whole network of them; some who do skype sessions. My Sir and I have been in counseling off and on for several years and it’s really improved our relationship and our “selves.” But you have to find the right person. Sometimes it’s not a good fit.

    In any case, I really am sorry you’ve been through a few real assholes. Don’t let the lemons get you down. You write well and have a way with words. Always happy to chat should you so desire it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your comment and I absolutely do not mind unsolicited advice 🙂 I believe my insurance might cover a portion of counseling, I have somewhat been looking into it but since things have been better more often than not lately… I have kind of put it on the backburner.

      It really is up to me to choose how I want my life to be. Thanks again for reminding me of that!

      Liked by 1 person

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