Obsessions, tattoos, & neediness

I have been feeling needy lately.  Not necessarily in a sexual way (although, I’ve been having sex dreams like crazy… and I basically always want to fuck), but in a way that I just want MORE.  Life seems like it’s on a forward spring, and I want to keep up that momentum.  I know what I am capable of and I want it bad. 

I have been killing it at work (I’m the boss now!)… and I have been killing it in my fitness journey preparing for Beachbody’s 80 Day Obsession that begins on January 15th.  Speaking of which, I’m seriously considering posting before/after photos on this blog.  I’ll have to hide my face of course.  Not sure if I’ve mentioned this, but I’m definitely not a small girl. LOL.  The 80 days are going to be pretty intense so I’m expecting some pretty big changes given my current fitness level.  If I keep with the program, of course.  Which I will… because, you know, obsession.  I have never been physically fit in my entire life and I want it.

Also, I am sooooo excited for the holidays.  I got my dad a coffee mug that says ‘Merry Christmas – Shitter was full’ and I can’t wait for him to open it.  That is our movie, we watch it together every single Christmas.  If you haven’t seen National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, you need to watch it now.  Buying presents is my favorite, as per usual, I went way overboard.  Getting gifts is great, but picking something out especially for a loved one and seeing their reaction is my favorite.

I’m excited to see my sister too.  We have been talking for a few months about getting more tattoos.  She is friends with a tattoo artist that works in a city almost exactly between us.  I already have mine picked out, but she’s taking forever to decide.  I want to get a blue Swedish dala horse on my inside right ankle and the words “jag är stormen” on my collar bone (maybe) in some pretty font.  Perhaps it will be my gift for getting through the 80 Day Obsession and keeping it up afterwards!

In other news, I have been on Collarspace again.  All I can say is – LOL.  Talk about scraping the bottom of the damn barrel.  If you are starting messages with “Hello slave cunt, thank me for giving meaning to your worthless existence” you are doing something wrong.  The fact that I have to say that is a little sad.  If only my fist could make it through a computer screen.  😉

 

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Creepy creepers

I just need to vent about this situation – it’s so ridiculous!  I’ve had an account on Plenty Of Fish for a few days now and oh my goodness creepers.  The first day I started talking to a guy who seemed nice but then he started making all these creepy comments and he wanted me to give him my address.  NOPE.  Finally, I just told him I wasn’t interested.

He didn’t give up, so I blocked his number.  The next day, I got a creepy text from a random number.  It turned out to be him, so I blocked that number too.  Yesterday, I started receiving phone calls from a number I didn’t recognize, multiple phone calls every day.  I suspect it is him but he doesn’t leave voice messages, so I blocked that number too just to be safe.

Finally, at lunch today… I got another text message from ANOTHER number.  Guess what?  It was him!  FOUR NUMBERS.  What the actual fuck.  Now I am super glad I did not give him my address.

None of the messages are aggressive, but its just SO creepy that he would make so many numbers just to text/call me.  If it continues, I might just go to the police.  It seems harmless now, but given my past, I can’t take too many chances.

Falling into place

“The things you’ve been through in the last decade?  You stumbled and you fell a few times, but you never broke.  Look around you – it’s all falling into place.”

I have the best people in my life.  I’m lucky.  As I drove home from work this evening, life was on my mind.  So much has changed in such a short period of time.  Just over a month ago, I started taking medication for depression and anxiety.  The difference is night and day.

The dark cloud is gone, the constant feeling that something bad is about to happen is gone too.  I started reading again and playing The Sims and listening to music… dancing around my living room, busting out into random songs while I drive.  I feel like myself.  It’s so strange to finally have a quiet mind.  I don’t have panic attacks in the evenings, on the weekends, or feel unnecessarily frustrated at work.  Even my nightmares seem to have subsided.  I care about my appearance again.  This may not seem like a big deal to most of you, but I started wearing makeup to work again.  That’s huge.

The job, the financial situation – it’s all falling into place.  I won’t pretend the romance situation couldn’t use some work, but it’ll happen too.  My mother keeps telling me that my ship will come and I guess, even though it seems I’ve been standing on the dock forever, she is probably right.  I mean, moms are required to say stuff like that… but the truth still exists.

I’m certainly looking forward to 2018 😉

Finding my path

Life has been strange lately but you know what?  I kind of like it.  I have stumbled more than a few times, but here I am, still alive.

The anxiety medication has done wonders.  I feel like myself again.  It makes me have strange dreams though… and I mean strange, giant rabbits hopping around my apartment strange.

I have been taking chances – saying things I need to say and moving my life forward.  We shall see if it pays off.

Hello, future.

I haven’t been writing much… for a lot of reasons.  Usually when this happens it is because, for whatever reason, my life has gone up in flames.  Not so true this time, it might be smoking a little but… it doesn’t seem so bad.

First thing’s first, my relationship is no longer.  I’m strangely okay with it.  I have a lot of resentment, but I don’t feel that crushing, breaking feeling I felt in the past.  We weren’t on the same wave length, he could not give me what I needed and I do not believe for a moment that I was what he needed.  Maybe it’s the anxiety meds, but my world is still spinning.  I shed a few tears and then I got up and cleaned my apartment.  I put on a classic rock Pandora station, and I’m letting Tom Petty carry my mind away.

I am not certain I will pursue another D/s type relationship.  If it finds me, it finds me but at this point, I have no desire to ever be that vulnerable with another person.

On that same note, I have been thinking about Jason a lot.  It is normal at this time of year, for various reasons.  He was in my dream a few weeks ago, I was at his house and we were standing outside by his truck talking.  There was a woman, who I presumed to be his girlfriend, trying to pull me away from him.  When that didn’t work, she tried to interrupt our conversation and stand between us.  After her attempts failed, she got into the truck and sped off.

I was telling him about my lingering feelings, the good and the bad.  I told him how he had affected my life, how the alcohol had affected my life… and I cried.  His voice was nonchalant, but his face was pained.  It was very reminiscent of the last time moment I saw him in real life.  There was no anger, no fighting (as there had been the night before)… he might have actually been near sober.  He was sitting on the sofa playing Guitar Hero…. I hugged him and he kissed my cheek and told me he couldn’t walk me to my car and also that I wasn’t allowed to cry.

So often I wish I could say I was over him, but I’m not really.  Perhaps it affected my relationship and led to its demise… I can’t say.  It doesn’t even really matter now.

On a happier note, I got my promotion!  My boss got promoted, so I have started transitioning into his position and will be fully taking over in January.  So, sometimes the good is mixed in with the bad… but, as cheesy as this sounds, the door to the future is wide open.

 

Re-focusing

So here’s the deal on my last two weeks – my apartment got bedbugs (from a neighbor who failed to report), the state of such and such (a state I don’t actually live in anymore) informed me I owed them tax money from 2014, I got a new car, my boss got a promotion so I am trying to get his position, and I started taking a new anxiety medication.  Needless to say, even though those aren’t ALL bad things and life could be a lot worse, I have been stressed.  Beyond stressed.

The bed bugs are now hopefully eradicated and the tax money has been paid… but this medication has me almost constantly nauseous.  It has finally eased up a bit, just to be replaced by a headache.  My doctor tells me this is normal for the first few weeks, but sometimes I feel as if I would rather be anxious.

Anyway, the real point of this post is that as much as I hate to admit it, this stress has seriously impacted my submission to Sir.  He is always so patient with me, but I cannot help thinking that he deserves better than that.  This morning he showed me a Tumblr post that someone had written about how we don’t get to pick and choose when we’re submissive or Dominant.  It requires commitment every single day.

So, that’s my current goal, or at least one of them, and one of my highest priorities.  Re-focus on my submission and let it make me feel like it used to – secure and happy and free.

Feeling so blah

I haven’t written much lately – not because I haven’t wanted to or needed to but because the words just seem to stay stuck in my brain.  Things have just been strange.  I do not have a better way to describe or explain myself…

Sometimes I feel submissive and other times, I just feel nothing.  These are things I need to talk about more with Sir, but there just never seems to be enough time in the day… and maybe that bothers me too.  A lot.

As an aside, I am seeing my doctor on Friday afternoon to discuss some mental health related items.  I believe that I am struggling to stay in my usual submissive mindset because I am working so hard to not let my depression/anxiety throw me off a cliff.

For a few weeks, life was hitting me with one blow after another.  I think it has calmed down now and I am finally getting the chance to reflect and figure out what I want – in all aspects!

I finally started writing, except what I was thought was going to be erotica has turned into romance.  I used to be really against the sappy stuff… but the older I get, the softer my heart gets.  😉