When I was 20, my boyfriend raped me.
I had missed a few pills, we didn’t have a condom.
I said “No, I’m not comfortable.”
He said. “But, it’s okay. I want a baby with you.” (He didn’t have a job. I was a college student, working at Kmart part-time.)
I said no.
I said no.
And he pushed me down, ignored me while I sobbed.
My best friend? She told me it wasn’t rape because he was my boyfriend and to stop overreacting.
I believed her. I internalized it. Kept it a secret. Until now.
I didn’t report it, but it doesn’t mean I’m not telling the truth.
Ohh my goodness, it’s been a LONG time since I blogged. For many reasons, but mostly because I have been super busy. Why have I been so busy, you ask? I’m moving! Cross-country.. in two weeks! Yay!
Wolf and I are still a thing and I want to be closer to Him. We aren’t moving in together because we haven’t actually met in person yet. Some might think that’s a little irresponsible, but I figure we’ve been talking long enough. Sometimes you just KNOW. Also, if He was going to murder me He’s been awfully patient. 😉 A patient murderer is somehow better than an impatient murderer. LOL
So, anyway, I have a brand new apartment lease signed for September 1. It’s way nicer than my current apartment – has a washer/dryer and fireplace in unit, plus the complex has a pool and fitness center. I have NONE of those things where I am now.
My job, well, all I can say is that I am beyond looking forward to a new beginning. I hate my job here.
My two cats are coming with, that’ll be an adventure for sure. The vet prescribed Xanax for the terrible traveler. I hope it works, 1400 miles of screaming cat sounds terrible. I’m hoping to let them ‘roam’ the backseat while we drive. I got them both harnesses and leashes and I figure I can anchor them to the seat belts so they can move around but also keep them from sneaking into the front.
Wolf is driving with me. He’s flying here and we’re going together. It makes me feel better.
I’m terrified (but, like, in a good way) for all this change. My biggest anxieties are all based on my own insecurities… what if He doesn’t like me? What if He doesn’t find me attractive? What if I’m too fat…? Jesus, it never freaking ends in my head. Wolf knows what I look like, I just can’t stop myself from being insane.
I posted this on StormyFoxx.com as well, but thought I would double post some of my posts for awhile as things get started:
My collar broke this morning. The chain crumbled in my hands as I tried to put it on for the day. It put a damper on my Monday morning, as if Mondays weren’t bad enough. I wanted to burst into tears and crawl back into bed. All day I kept trying to touch it, as I often do when I’m anxious or frustrated at work, but it wasn’t there. I felt… lost and strangely vulnerable.
I’ve been feeling off all day. Not just because of the collar (also, life in general) but that has been a contributing factor. It makes it more difficult when I cannot confide in my friends. I can tell them I’m sad that I broke my necklace, but they don’t know (and likely never will) what it symbolizes. To them, it is just a piece of jewelry.
Wolf and I are long-distance, that damn necklace is the one tangible thing I have with me all day everyday that links me to Him. I realize that it’s a material object and doesn’t affect my relationship or dynamic with Him, but there is a ton of meaning packed into the delicate little necklace. I could buy a new one, an exact replica, but it isn’t THAT one.
It’s laying on the bathroom counter now. I can’t decide what to do with it. I tend to work myself into a frenzy over these things, because everything means something, right? My mind spins out of control.
Am I being dramatic? I don’t know. Probably. I just want it back.
I haven’t blogged in awhile. For a few reasons. First, I haven’t had a ton to write about. Second, I have been focusing on my writing. I have been talking about publishing erotica for a LONG time and I finally did it (check it out here.)
I think I’m having a ‘quarter-life’ crisis. Yeah, it’s a thing! Google it! I feel so uncertain about almost everything in my life. My job? Hate it. Where I live? Over it. Right now, I have B and I have my writing… and that is all that makes me happy. Everything else seems like an annoying distraction.
B is always so supportive. It was Him who pushed me to finish my first story and publish it. Up until now, I have only written bits and pieces. He read it and helped me edit it, letting me know where pieces didn’t flow or where elaboration would help. I love that He doesn’t judge me.
I have no idea what I would do without him. Even though we are far apart right now, He still makes sure I’m taking care of myself – taking my anxiety meds and such. He lets me vent and knows how to get me to relax… on the flip-side, he knows how to make me wet too. My Wolf certainly is magical. 😉
Hi everyone! I’ve been MIA for awhile and here’s why…. I’ve been talking about self-publishing erotica for awhile now and I finally did it.
Masquerade @ Amazon
Be gentle – it’s my first full story (a short one though, at just under 4,000 words). To be honest, I’ll be happy if I sell 5 copies! I finally followed through with something I said I was going to do, and I am SO proud of myself. On to the next story….
Happy Easter friends! (Or, Happy Sunday if you do not celebrate!)
Today I’ve been reflecting on the time that has passed since I met B and He changed my world in the best way possible.
For the first time (in a LONG time) I have stopped questioning my submission. I used to struggle against it, and you might see that if you read old posts. Many times I questioned whether this lifestyle was for me, even in the midst of relationships. That thought doesn’t cross my mind with B, I know this is right.
He has never tried to force my submission to Him, He let me give it to Him. He let me surrender at my own pace, so instead of pushing against Him… I gave Him everything I’ve wanted to give for so long. Every single day I choose to submit and that’s the best part. It was an easy decision.
Why? He makes me laugh A LOT, communicates freely… not once has He ever made me feel like He is hiding anything. In return, I make myself transparent to Him. He understands my anxiety and doesn’t make me feel terrible for having emotions. He challenges me intellectually and supports my goals. Every other Dom that has ever crossed my life pales in comparison.
I know that I have been gushing about Him in all my posts lately, but I can’t help it! This is the first time I have ever felt so optimistic and excited about anything, our journey together.
Long distance is difficult… and sometimes (I mean, always) requires a little creativity. So this morning I expressed a wish that B could join me in the shower… and He found a way to make it happen. Then I found myself in the shower with my vibrator and B on speaker phone just outside the curtain.
It was fun talking with Him while I washed my hair and then, after a quick interruption by a rogue smoke alarm, the fun started. So, I closed my eyes and listened to His words and imagined His hands all over me and that my vibrator was Him sliding in and out. I just can’t get enough, even over the phone he makes me cum so hard.
I have never met a Dom like B before – he is every single thing I have been looking for, for soooo long. He is also the first Dom I have EVER wanted to give myself to completely. In the past, I have held pieces of me back… but B gets everything. He deserves everything and every day he proves that more and more.