This is what happened

I mentioned a few posts ago that things have changed regarding the status of my relationship and that I was absolutely not going to talk about it.  Just kidding, I’m going to talk about my relationship because this is a D/s blog and I want to use it for it’s intended purpose.

First let me tell you something – submission is hard for me.  Not because I don’t want it or because my heart isn’t in it, but because I am always afraid of being hurt like I was with my first Dom.  For a long time after the disaster that was my first Dom (and my first real love) I truly believed that I was not cut out for this life regardless of how badly I desired it.

Let us rewind to a month ago, almost to the day.  I began to second guess myself and what I wanted in this lifestyle.  I was also feeling needy.  I just wanted attention and, being long distance for now, it isn’t always available when I need it.  As much as I love the idea, it isn’t realistic (or healthy) to be in constant contact 100% of the time.

I’m not going to take all the blame here, there were some communication issues on both sides but I was not fair.  I wanted him to make me stay.  Long story short, a lot of accusations got thrown out about how his feelings are dependent on many different factors.  They aren’t, but I made myself believe that they were.  I ran away.  Again.

Then I self-destructed, which some people may have read about on this blog before I hid those posts.

I expected him to have finally given up on me, but he didn’t.  He was still there, willing to try again.  Being without him hurt me so much that I promised I would try harder, show him exactly how much I wanted, and needed, to belong to him.  And, I do… I do so much.  I have renewed my resolve to follow his rules and to learn to give into my submission and this time it feels better.  It doesn’t feel so forced, it feels natural… it feels like exactly what I needed.

There are still hurdles to climb.  I need him to open up to me more and he is trying, I can tell.  I need to learn to be more patient, to remember to take deep breaths, and to stop second guessing him.  He has shown me over and over again that he worthy of my trust and submission and it’s my turn to prove to him that I am worthy of all the patience and love he has given me.

He is my Master and I am his slave and that is all I want.  It is a work in progress, and always will be, but it is a part of me and I cannot run away from it.

The below song is fitting, in a lot of ways.  Also, RIP to one of the most influential artists in my life and one of the driving forces behind my treble clef tattoo.

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Updates WOOOO

It’s been a bit.  I really needed some time, but my goodness, a lot has changed.  The one thing that isn’t changing from my last post, is that I am absolutely not discussing my relationship here.  That situation has changed and I just want to keep it to myself forever and ever and ever.  😉

I do plan to still use this blog for the occasional personal post and also my budding erotica career.  By budding career, I actually mean when I kinda sorta write a few words that are somewhat sexy to me.

Other things that are new:

  1. I got a tattoo – a treble clef on my left wrist.  I’m obsessed with it.
  2. I’ve lost 20 pounds and my pants mostly fit again.  Woooo.
  3. There is not a third thing.

Anyway, ta ta for now.

 

The plan… for now

So a lot happened today and I don’t feel like I want to talk about it anymore.  This blog is going to change – for awhile, maybe forever.  I don’t know.  A lot of things are changing and here is my list so far:

  1. Facebook and Instagram are going bye-bye because I use it to compare my life to everyone else’s.  That triggers anxiety.
  2. This blog is turning into a fiction-only blog.  I decided that sharing my life isn’t for me anymore and I want to start my journey into writing erotica.
  3. I must make more time for my friends and family
  4. I must make more time for myself: indulging in hobbies I have forgotten about, reading more books, at-home spa days, long baths, etc.  All the things that make me feel good about myself.
  5. No more binge drinking with my coworkers.  This is self-explanatory.
  6. I am switching up my workout routine to be more fun for awhile.  The intensity was too much.
  7. Journaling – in a real journal.  I might get one of those coloring books for adults while I’m at it.
  8. And, finally, I am going to learn to meditate.  I already do yoga so this will be a good addition.

I am sure this list will grow as I get going, but I’m feeling optimistic.  So you probably won’t see any personal updates from me for awhile.  But, I’ll be around!

Also, I got a lot of really amazing, supportive comments and messages from more than a few people on my last posts and I am so appreciative of that.  ❤ ❤

Reality vs Fantasy

So last week I posted a little snip of something I was working on (see: Hunted) and promptly developed writer’s block.  Go fucking figure.

I also realized I was thinking way too hard to write erotica.  I got a few books from Amazon that contained tips on writing erotica (and they came with kinky thesauruses!). I forgot one major thing, I want to write erotica and not a literary masterpiece. It’s basically brain candy… kinky brain candy.  I’m not going to put out a steaming pile of poop, but I’m also not going to break my brain trying to write it.

I got stuck on the ‘reality’ part.  Then I realized, it doesn’t matter if my character fucks her boss or her professor or a police officer for some sort of personal gain.  IT’S EROTICA. It doesn’t matter that these things might be frowned upon in real life, because it’s a fantasy!  Maybe some of us have super realistic fantasies, but I know mine are not and I am probably not alone.

When I was still living in a different city, there was this gorgeous police officer named Thor.  Yes, that was actually his name.  I won’t pretend I didn’t dream about him spanking me for speeding… and then fucking me in the back of his squad car.  Realistic? Hell no.  Did it turn me on?  YES.

Stella and the Brand New Life

I was not born to be an accountant, but somehow I ended up as one.  I was not born to be unhappy and unsatisfied with my life, but here I am… unhappy and unsatisfied.  Guess what?  I’m done.  I have a lot of things to be happy about (Sir, friends, family, life) and a lot of dreams that I know I can make a reality with a little perseverance.

I am NOT about to go out and quit my job, but I am going to start focusing a lot more on my goals and my dreams.  The thing I always fail to remember is that they are absolutely attainable if I only put forth effort.  And, before that thought even gets stuck in your head, nope, it does not make me less submissive to go after my own goals.  Self-fulfillment is the only way to tap into my true self and the only way to truly allow my submissive self to come forward.

So, no, crunching numbers is not my future.  Maybe I’m not 100% sure what it will be yet, but I know I’m on the horizon of figuring it out.  I know I want to do something that will benefit others just as much as myself.  I want to really tap into my creative side and unleash a part of me that no one has ever seen.  It isn’t going to be easy and it isn’t going to happen overnight, but I know I’m on the right track and keeping this mindset is the only way to make it happen.

Heavy metal & kinky workouts

This is going to be more of a personal post, I think.  I even added a soundtrack for you at the bottom!  Heavy metal Stella is out in full force.  I am certain my neighbors love me as I scream let the bodies hit the floor at the top of my lungs.  They either love me or they are in the process of calling the police.  One of those things.

Sometimes it feels good though, you know?  Letting go…

I didn’t really have a good weekend.  A lot of anxiety and I really wasn’t a very good girl, so I am sure whatever is coming for the rules I broke will be… fun.  Lot’s of sarcasm in that.  Sometimes I get a little desperate for attention and forget to use my brain.  Not an excuse.

I haven’t talked about this a lot, but for the past four weeks (almost five now!!) I have been on a pretty big fitness kick.  I got Beachbody on Demand and have been absolutely loving it.  Don’t worry, I am NOT a Beachbody coach and have no intentions of becoming one so I will not be annoying you all with constant promotion.  BUT, I’m getting muscles! It’s exciting.

99% percent of the reasons for my fitness kick have to do with my health, but the other 1% are much more fun.  😉  Perhaps I have some fantasies about being tied up in all sorts of positions that would be impossible without being physically fit.  I also very much enjoy testing my body, whether it be through physical stamina or pain limits.

So, yeah, when I workout I think about being tied up.  It helps, try it!  Kink makes everything better, even exercise.  Someone needs to start a kinky workout program, if there isn’t one already.  I’m not really sure what that would entail?  It still needs to happen. 😉

Stella writes erotica?

So, the idea of writing erotica has been on my mind.  This is not a recent thing, it has been on my mind for weeks and weeks and weeks.  I enjoy reading erotica from time to time, but the issue is that I do not want to read just porn (don’t get me wrong, that’s fun sometimes too!).  I want a real plot and characters that actually develop throughout a long with plenty of sex and kink and erotic amazingness. Maybe there is a better term for this than erotica?  I don’t know.

I want to write about the things that lurk in the very darkest corners of my mind and even the things that cross deep into my hard limits and beyond what I would even consider to be on my radar.  I mean, I already have the Stella alias, so why not?  I know there is a market out there.  Sex sells, no question about it.

There are a few things holding me back.  For example, I feel that writing is a very vulnerable thing, even when it is purely fiction.  But then again, this blog is also very vulnerable.  I am going to continue to mull it over in my mind for the next few days and see if I can come up with anything.

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