Stella and the Brand New Life

I was not born to be an accountant, but somehow I ended up as one.  I was not born to be unhappy and unsatisfied with my life, but here I am… unhappy and unsatisfied.  Guess what?  I’m done.  I have a lot of things to be happy about (Sir, friends, family, life) and a lot of dreams that I know I can make a reality with a little perseverance.

I am NOT about to go out and quit my job, but I am going to start focusing a lot more on my goals and my dreams.  The thing I always fail to remember is that they are absolutely attainable if I only put forth effort.  And, before that thought even gets stuck in your head, nope, it does not make me less submissive to go after my own goals.  Self-fulfillment is the only way to tap into my true self and the only way to truly allow my submissive self to come forward.

So, no, crunching numbers is not my future.  Maybe I’m not 100% sure what it will be yet, but I know I’m on the horizon of figuring it out.  I know I want to do something that will benefit others just as much as myself.  I want to really tap into my creative side and unleash a part of me that no one has ever seen.  It isn’t going to be easy and it isn’t going to happen overnight, but I know I’m on the right track and keeping this mindset is the only way to make it happen.

Heavy metal & kinky workouts

This is going to be more of a personal post, I think.  I even added a soundtrack for you at the bottom!  Heavy metal Stella is out in full force.  I am certain my neighbors love me as I scream let the bodies hit the floor at the top of my lungs.  They either love me or they are in the process of calling the police.  One of those things.

Sometimes it feels good though, you know?  Letting go…

I didn’t really have a good weekend.  A lot of anxiety and I really wasn’t a very good girl, so I am sure whatever is coming for the rules I broke will be… fun.  Lot’s of sarcasm in that.  Sometimes I get a little desperate for attention and forget to use my brain.  Not an excuse.

I haven’t talked about this a lot, but for the past four weeks (almost five now!!) I have been on a pretty big fitness kick.  I got Beachbody on Demand and have been absolutely loving it.  Don’t worry, I am NOT a Beachbody coach and have no intentions of becoming one so I will not be annoying you all with constant promotion.  BUT, I’m getting muscles! It’s exciting.

99% percent of the reasons for my fitness kick have to do with my health, but the other 1% are much more fun.  😉  Perhaps I have some fantasies about being tied up in all sorts of positions that would be impossible without being physically fit.  I also very much enjoy testing my body, whether it be through physical stamina or pain limits.

So, yeah, when I workout I think about being tied up.  It helps, try it!  Kink makes everything better, even exercise.  Someone needs to start a kinky workout program, if there isn’t one already.  I’m not really sure what that would entail?  It still needs to happen. 😉

Stella writes erotica?

So, the idea of writing erotica has been on my mind.  This is not a recent thing, it has been on my mind for weeks and weeks and weeks.  I enjoy reading erotica from time to time, but the issue is that I do not want to read just porn (don’t get me wrong, that’s fun sometimes too!).  I want a real plot and characters that actually develop throughout a long with plenty of sex and kink and erotic amazingness. Maybe there is a better term for this than erotica?  I don’t know.

I want to write about the things that lurk in the very darkest corners of my mind and even the things that cross deep into my hard limits and beyond what I would even consider to be on my radar.  I mean, I already have the Stella alias, so why not?  I know there is a market out there.  Sex sells, no question about it.

There are a few things holding me back.  For example, I feel that writing is a very vulnerable thing, even when it is purely fiction.  But then again, this blog is also very vulnerable.  I am going to continue to mull it over in my mind for the next few days and see if I can come up with anything.

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Close my eyes

Sometimes the past has a nasty way of trying to slip back into your life.  It’s been awhile since that night I shattered into a million pieces but sometimes it feels like yesterday. Small things trigger it, a song, a scent.. or even a word (princess).  Today, though, I do not know what triggered it.  It just happened…

I was just sitting on my couch watching Cheers and all of the sudden I was back slumped on the floor in the bathroom of my old apartment.  A bottle of vodka in one hand and a bottle of Xanax in the other… that stupid necklace he had given me thrown at my feet. My collar. Only 23 and ready to give up.  I even wrote the note…

This happens less and less as time passes, but when it does it is brutal.  Like a curtain closing over my mind, pitch black and suffocating.  It is a struggle to grab onto anything real.  These are the moments I most wish Sir was here, so I try to focus my thoughts on him.  Close my eyes.  The darkness is over.  I know that.

 

What does Dominance mean to me?

I have decided to complete the 30 Days of D/s prompts from Loving BDSM which are far more appealing to me than the 30 Days of Kink prompts I had been doing!  They seem more in-depth, like I could actually use them to write a quality post.  Also, bonus, it will not be just me answering as Sir has decided he will also answer the prompts.  He now has editing ability on this blog and will be able to post his own answers.  ❤  I think it will be fun to see perspectives from both sub and Dom.

Because I am writing to my own experiences, I will often be referring to Dominants as male and submissives as female.  That is my dynamic.  I am not intentionally leaving anyone out (I loveee everyone), but I cannot confidently write to anyone else’s experience.

Today’s prompt:

“Whether you identify as a Dominant or a submissive, you may have some picture in your mind of what kind of person is a Dominant.

What does dominance in a relationship mean to you? What traits will a Dominant have? How should a Dominant behave?”

Dominance in a relationship, for me at least, has multiple meanings and ways of manifesting.  There seems to be a stereotype (mainly propagated, I assume, by those who have no idea what is actually going on) that all Dom-types are cold, unfeeling, and harsh. They take what they want without negotiation, ignore limits, and are generally terrible people.  Of course, you and I both know this is far from accurate.

This is what it means to me:  It means that I trust Sir so much that I am willing to allow him to own every little piece of me.  It means that I know he has my best interests at heart and he may not always give me what I want, but I know he will give me what I need.  I know he will not harm me.  And, sometimes, it means grabbing me by the hair and fucking the life out of me.  It means a lot of things.

I look for the following traits in a Dominant, some serious and some not so serious.  I probably forgot a few.

  1. Not flaky.  Sets rules and follows through, even if discipline is necessary.
  2. Good at spanking. 😉  The fun kind, not the punishment kind I hate.
  3. Patient.
  4. Willing to see the humor in life.  Why so serious? 
  5. Likes cats.
  6. GOOD COMMUNICATOR.  This is like the most important thing ever.
  7. Likes nerdy things.
  8. Smells good.  (No one wants stinky cuddles)
  9. Understands that he is human and might make mistakes sometimes.
  10. Loves me.

My list comes from a place of needing an actual relationship with my D/s.  I am not a casual girl by any means.  Without that strong connection, I cannot submit.

How should a Dominant behave?  Perhaps this might be easier if I tell you how a Dominant should absolutely not behave by using my own past experiences.

  1. A Dominant should NOT ignore your limits just because he “lost his mind for a minute.”  If he cannot control himself, how will he control someone else?
  2. A Dominant should NOT approach a random submissive he has never spoken to in his life and demand that she immediately submit to him.  That’s creepy.
  3. He should NOT be unwilling to talk about feelings, yours or his.  I mean, unless this is part of your agreement, but I cannot imagine why it would be.
  4. He should absolutely, never ever treat a submissive like she is inferior to him.  This excludes humiliation/degradation/etc that is part of a scene.  Just because someone is submissive does NOT mean doormat.  I am not trying to be cocky here, but I cannot tell you how many Domly Doms tried to show up my intelligence and failed miserably.

Of course this is not everything but I think the moral of the story here is that Dominants do not get a pass on being a decent human simply because they are Dominant.  No one does.  Hence, they should behave like decent people.  Luckily, there are plenty of good ones out there if you are patient enough.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, let me know in the comments and stayed tuned because Sir will post his answer to this same question soon!

30 Days of Kink Days 21-30

And, finally we are at the last ten 30 Days of Kink writing prompts.  I’m not sure why but they did not keep my attention like I thought they would.  Enjoy the last 10!

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

I don’t have one.  I have only read 50 Shades which is a far cry from being a good example of a BDSM relationship.

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Communication and trust, just like a vanilla relationship.  The difference is I feel that the levels of communication and trust need to be much higher, this is coming from experience in both types of relationships.

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

I think I am always, always evolving within this lifestyle.  Since starting to explore this lifestyle, I believe I have become more accepting of other people’s interests, etc regardless of how I feel about them.

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

Oh man, where to start!?

First and foremost, someone who accepts me as ME and doesn’t feel the need to change every little thing.  Someone who understands that I also have opinions and a brain and that I am far from a doormat.  Someone who follows through on the things they say.  For example, Sir is the first Dom I have had that actually set rules and followed through with consequences when said rules were broken.

Patience and a sarcastic sense of humor is also helpful.

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

I do not share them lightly.  This blog is anonymous for a reason.  Sir is the only person in my life at this moment who has any idea.  I am not ashamed of my kinks or of being submissive, but if this got out to the wrong person it could have some major consequences.

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

I think if it’s your cup of tea, then go for it.  Personally, 100% online play is not for me and I was always a little wary of people on Collarspace or FetLife that only wanted online play.

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

I still very much keep my vanilla and kinky interests separate.  Of course, you could consider writing a non-kink activity that is now a somewhat kinky activity.

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM? What significance does your attire have to you?

I do not have a specific way to dress.  Leather, and anything typically attributed to BDSM, kind of annoys me.  I don’t mean any offense if you’re into that, it just isn’t for me. I don’t enjoy being shoved into a box of stereotypes.

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title?  What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

Submissive?  I’m not really sure what to put here.

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

This set of writing prompts was meant to help me open up about my life as a submissive, given that I rarely write about such things on this blog.  I do plan to be more open in the future.  I have been receiving the 30 Days of D/s writing prompts in my e-mail for the last few weeks from Loving BDSM and I’ll be working on those next.

 

Yes, they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness

I realize I quite literally just posted on this blog, but I had more words stuck in my head.

This weekend I had the chance to see Billy Joel in concert in Minneapolis.  It was pretty amazing.  I can tell you that 35,000 people singing a long to Piano Man was probably one of the most amazing experiences of my entire life.  I feel comfortable telling you this and not blowing my anonymity for a few reasons:

  1. I do not live anywhere even close to Minneapolis and I do not live in Minnesota at all.
  2. There were 35,000 other people at the show.
  3. If you really wanted to figure out my personal information, you could.  This is the internet after all.

Anyway, the show was amazing.  He brought out Axl Rose for a few songs at which point I started sobbing and emitting high pitched noises. Yup, I fangirled all over the place. My dad listened to a lot of Guns N Roses, AC/DC, etc while I was growing up.  Music, notably rock music, has always been such a huge part of my life.

Yes, the concert was amazing (not quite as awesome as when I saw Fleetwood Mac, but close!) but I felt so alone.  Even with all those people, it just felt so empty.  I was surrounded by couples enjoying time together and I was jealous.

I have Sir and I love him more than I can even put into words, but we are long-distance. It bothers me, I admit that it does and I have admitted it before.  I am not used to long-distance and I will tell you that it is absolutely not ideal.  There is always this fear in the back of mind that it will never be anything but long-distance and that isn’t what I want in the long run.  It’s probably my anxiety making me overthink, but what if it isn’t…?