Finding my path

Life has been strange lately but you know what?  I kind of like it.  I have stumbled more than a few times, but here I am, still alive.

The anxiety medication has done wonders.  I feel like myself again.  It makes me have strange dreams though… and I mean strange, giant rabbits hopping around my apartment strange.

I have been taking chances – saying things I need to say and moving my life forward.  We shall see if it pays off.

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Hello, future.

I haven’t been writing much… for a lot of reasons.  Usually when this happens it is because, for whatever reason, my life has gone up in flames.  Not so true this time, it might be smoking a little but… it doesn’t seem so bad.

First thing’s first, my relationship is no longer.  I’m strangely okay with it.  I have a lot of resentment, but I don’t feel that crushing, breaking feeling I felt in the past.  We weren’t on the same wave length, he could not give me what I needed and I do not believe for a moment that I was what he needed.  Maybe it’s the anxiety meds, but my world is still spinning.  I shed a few tears and then I got up and cleaned my apartment.  I put on a classic rock Pandora station, and I’m letting Tom Petty carry my mind away.

I am not certain I will pursue another D/s type relationship.  If it finds me, it finds me but at this point, I have no desire to ever be that vulnerable with another person.

On that same note, I have been thinking about Jason a lot.  It is normal at this time of year, for various reasons.  He was in my dream a few weeks ago, I was at his house and we were standing outside by his truck talking.  There was a woman, who I presumed to be his girlfriend, trying to pull me away from him.  When that didn’t work, she tried to interrupt our conversation and stand between us.  After her attempts failed, she got into the truck and sped off.

I was telling him about my lingering feelings, the good and the bad.  I told him how he had affected my life, how the alcohol had affected my life… and I cried.  His voice was nonchalant, but his face was pained.  It was very reminiscent of the last time moment I saw him in real life.  There was no anger, no fighting (as there had been the night before)… he might have actually been near sober.  He was sitting on the sofa playing Guitar Hero…. I hugged him and he kissed my cheek and told me he couldn’t walk me to my car and also that I wasn’t allowed to cry.

So often I wish I could say I was over him, but I’m not really.  Perhaps it affected my relationship and led to its demise… I can’t say.  It doesn’t even really matter now.

On a happier note, I got my promotion!  My boss got promoted, so I have started transitioning into his position and will be fully taking over in January.  So, sometimes the good is mixed in with the bad… but, as cheesy as this sounds, the door to the future is wide open.

 

Re-focusing

So here’s the deal on my last two weeks – my apartment got bedbugs (from a neighbor who failed to report), the state of such and such (a state I don’t actually live in anymore) informed me I owed them tax money from 2014, I got a new car, my boss got a promotion so I am trying to get his position, and I started taking a new anxiety medication.  Needless to say, even though those aren’t ALL bad things and life could be a lot worse, I have been stressed.  Beyond stressed.

The bed bugs are now hopefully eradicated and the tax money has been paid… but this medication has me almost constantly nauseous.  It has finally eased up a bit, just to be replaced by a headache.  My doctor tells me this is normal for the first few weeks, but sometimes I feel as if I would rather be anxious.

Anyway, the real point of this post is that as much as I hate to admit it, this stress has seriously impacted my submission to Sir.  He is always so patient with me, but I cannot help thinking that he deserves better than that.  This morning he showed me a Tumblr post that someone had written about how we don’t get to pick and choose when we’re submissive or Dominant.  It requires commitment every single day.

So, that’s my current goal, or at least one of them, and one of my highest priorities.  Re-focus on my submission and let it make me feel like it used to – secure and happy and free.

Feeling so blah

I haven’t written much lately – not because I haven’t wanted to or needed to but because the words just seem to stay stuck in my brain.  Things have just been strange.  I do not have a better way to describe or explain myself…

Sometimes I feel submissive and other times, I just feel nothing.  These are things I need to talk about more with Sir, but there just never seems to be enough time in the day… and maybe that bothers me too.  A lot.

As an aside, I am seeing my doctor on Friday afternoon to discuss some mental health related items.  I believe that I am struggling to stay in my usual submissive mindset because I am working so hard to not let my depression/anxiety throw me off a cliff.

For a few weeks, life was hitting me with one blow after another.  I think it has calmed down now and I am finally getting the chance to reflect and figure out what I want – in all aspects!

I finally started writing, except what I was thought was going to be erotica has turned into romance.  I used to be really against the sappy stuff… but the older I get, the softer my heart gets.  😉

Finding my power

I feel I don’t write enough here anymore – I want to change that and I definitely want to exercise my fiction writing chops.  I have been doing a TON of reading – about the romance and erotica genres and about story structure.  All sorts of things.  Throw in a couple self-help, motivational-type books… and that has been my life (besides work!).

Life feels so strange right now, as if I am on the verge of something amazing but I have no idea what it is.  Recently, I read a few great books that have lit a fire under my ass to not only begin setting goals and working toward them, but to truly believe with 100% unshakable faith that I can achieve them. Not an easy task given that I have a habit of constantly tearing myself down.  Not a good writer… too busy… too uninspired… too this… to that.  Excuse after excuse after ridiculous excuse.

The truth is, I have had characters in my head since I was a teenager.  All sorts of characters, all sorts of ideas, and an infinite amount of possibilities are at my finger tips.  The world is my oyster, to be totally cliche.  I just have to be brave enough to grab the opportunity and run with it.

Normally, I am not one to get all caught up with the “power of your mind” mumbo jumbo, but I am on that train now.  All because of a memory that popped into my head while I was trying to explain a process to a new employee for the billionth time that hour.  Let me tell you the story:

I, Stella, aged 23, was a train wreck – just dropped out of college, unemployed, and close to giving up on life altogether.  I had been searching for jobs and researching career paths, FOR MONTHS.  One day, I woke up and decided that enough was enough.  Within a week, I had enrolled in school and found a job!  I realize that my own hard work played a major part in this change, but it never would have happened if I did not believe in myself and that it was all out there waiting for me.

As a quick note, I still do not feel like writing a ton about my relationship.  Will that change in the future?  Probably, but for now, I am enjoying keeping it to myself.  I have plenty of other things going on in my life to share and I still have many BDSM and D/s writing prompts in my e-mail that I have yet to complete.  They are too good to ignore.

This is what happened

I mentioned a few posts ago that things have changed regarding the status of my relationship and that I was absolutely not going to talk about it.  Just kidding, I’m going to talk about my relationship because this is a D/s blog and I want to use it for it’s intended purpose.

First let me tell you something – submission is hard for me.  Not because I don’t want it or because my heart isn’t in it, but because I am always afraid of being hurt.  For a long time after the disaster that was my first real love, I truly believed that I was not cut out for this life regardless of how badly I desired it.

Let us rewind to a month ago, almost to the day.  I began to second guess myself and what I wanted in this lifestyle.  I was also feeling needy.  I just wanted attention and, being long distance for now, it isn’t always available when I need it.  As much as I love the idea, it isn’t realistic (or healthy) to be in constant contact 100% of the time.

I’m not going to take all the blame here, there were some communication issues on both sides but I was not fair.  I wanted him to make me stay.  Long story short, a lot of accusations got thrown out about how his feelings are dependent on many different factors.  They aren’t, but I made myself believe that they were.  I ran away.  Again.

Then I self-destructed, which some people may have read about on this blog before I hid those posts.

I expected him to have finally given up on me, but he didn’t.  He was still there, willing to try again.  Being without him hurt me so much that I promised I would try harder, show him exactly how much I wanted, and needed, to belong to him.  And, I do… I do so much.  I have renewed my resolve to follow his rules and to learn to give into my submission and this time it feels better.  It doesn’t feel so forced, it feels natural… it feels like exactly what I needed.

There are still hurdles to climb.  I need him to open up to me more and he is trying, I can tell.  I need to learn to be more patient, to remember to take deep breaths, and to stop second guessing him.  He has shown me over and over again that he worthy of my trust and submission and it’s my turn to prove to him that I am worthy of all the patience and love he has given me.

The below song is fitting, in a lot of ways.  Also, RIP to one of the most influential artists in my life and one of the driving forces behind my treble clef tattoo.

Updates WOOOO

It’s been a bit.  I really needed some time, but my goodness, a lot has changed.  The one thing that isn’t changing from my last post, is that I am absolutely not discussing my relationship here.  That situation has changed and I just want to keep it to myself forever and ever and ever.  😉

I do plan to still use this blog for the occasional personal post and also my budding erotica career.  By budding career, I actually mean when I kinda sorta write a few words that are somewhat sexy to me.

Other things that are new:

  1. I got a tattoo – a treble clef on my left wrist.  I’m obsessed with it.
  2. I’ve lost 20 pounds and my pants mostly fit again.  Woooo.
  3. There is not a third thing.

Anyway, ta ta for now.