I talk a lot about Jason and all the bad things that happened in that relationship. It didn’t start that way. It was good. So good. I think that’s why I had such a hard time letting go of him. He was the first person I was ever honest with about my interest in BDSM and my submissive desires.
Where did all this come from!? A Dom I exchanged a few messages with asked me to describe my submissiveness. I never know what to say when they ask that.. is it even possible? It is different for everyone but I feel like my description won’t be uncommon.
My submission comes only when I feel a connection has been established and once its been tapped into, its intense. I’m fiercely loyal by nature but my submission brings it out further. All I want to do is please and it consumes me entirely. It almost feels like standing on the edge of a cliff and trusting that the world won’t fall away under your feet.
Of course, the Earth did fall away.
Jason and I lived four hours away from each other, so we only got to spend time together a few weekends a month. The sound of his voice on the phone was enough to pull me into subspace almost instantly. He’d call me anytime, even at 3 in the morning after I had just suffered yet another night terror. All I wanted was to make him happy and I did everything within my capabilities to do so.
It wasn’t all bad.
When I first realized there was a problem, I felt like I failed as a girlfriend and a submissive. I know now that I did not, but it really broke me. Part of me is still very broken but that is temporary.
I wanted to write this because I realized I talk about my experiences but never my submission itself. It is so difficult to put into words.