I realize I quite literally just posted on this blog, but I had more words stuck in my head.
This weekend I had the chance to see Billy Joel in concert in Minneapolis. It was pretty amazing. I can tell you that 35,000 people singing a long to Piano Man was probably one of the most amazing experiences of my entire life. I feel comfortable telling you this and not blowing my anonymity for a few reasons:
- I do not live anywhere even close to Minneapolis and I do not live in Minnesota at all.
- There were 35,000 other people at the show.
- If you really wanted to figure out my personal information, you could. This is the internet after all.
Anyway, the show was amazing. He brought out Axl Rose for a few songs at which point I started sobbing and emitting high pitched noises. Yup, I fangirled all over the place. My dad listened to a lot of Guns N Roses, AC/DC, etc while I was growing up. Music, notably rock music, has always been such a huge part of my life.
Yes, the concert was amazing (not quite as awesome as when I saw Fleetwood Mac, but close!) but I felt so alone. Even with all those people, it just felt so empty. I was surrounded by couples enjoying time together and I was jealous.
I have Sir and I love him more than I can even put into words, but we are long-distance. It bothers me, I admit that it does and I have admitted it before. I am not used to long-distance and I will tell you that it is absolutely not ideal. There is always this fear in the back of mind that it will never be anything but long-distance and that isn’t what I want in the long run. It’s probably my anxiety making me overthink, but what if it isn’t…?
This week has been far better than my previous weeks. Most notably, I do not burst into random tears at random times throughout the day and night. I am almost back to my usual smitten kitten, daydreamy, heart-eyed self.
Running away was not my best idea. Not even in the realm of a good idea, BUT I learned some things:
- I am a submissive and it does not matter whether you or anyone else agrees with me. I know I am, and that’s that. On that same note, I must stop comparing myself to other submissives.
- I did not confuse lust and love. I missed Sir more during that week than I have ever missed anyone or anything in my entire life, so much so that it was physically painful. (You know, like… it burns, burns, burns… the ring of fire) That is not lust.
- I need to trust. Sir has beyond proven that he deserves that trust. All of the times he could have given up on me and he did not.
I think I have been trying harder lately – to be a better submissive and a better person in general. I did not just wake up one day and decide to be submissive, I have known since I was a teenager. Running away and giving up seemed like the easiest option at the time and it absolutely was not. Not at all.
Quite a bit has happened since I last wrote, a public post at least. It was a bit of a meltdown, the constant questioning and anxiety that is constantly going on in my head just got to me. Instead of lashing out, I just ran away… from this blog, this life, and from Sir.
I thought that leaving my submission in the rear-view mirror would feel like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It didn’t. For a week, all I did was cry – cried myself to sleep, cried in the shower, cried in the bathroom at work.
I ran away and he was still there when I came back. I don’t think I deserve him, but I’m not sure what I would have done if he wasn’t there.
It happened and it’s over. Life isn’t perfect, but things will be okay. The lesson here is that apparently running away doesn’t solve anything. Anddd that’s all I want to say about that. Lesson learned.
In other news, I have been extremely aware lately that I do not have any sexual fantasies. Who doesn’t have those!? Of course, there are things that turn me on but not one detailed fantasy that runs through my mind.
So I have been trying REALLY hard to think of something that qualifies as a fantasy. I don’t have what I consider a ‘dirty’ mind (unless I’ve been drinking) so it’s difficult for me to reach into those deep, dark parts of my brain.
But there is one thing that comes to mind – abduction. I have fantasized about that. I don’t mean being abducted by a total stranger. Just role play. Anything that makes me feel powerless….
Either I have far less feelings than I thought or my mind specifically goes blank when it comes time to blog. I stare at this blank page for 30 minutes before an idea even begins to float in my mind.
I’m just not an open person. Of course, I’d like to think I am. I am trying to be though, especially with Sir. Especially after Sunday’s mini-meltdown. It seems like all the parts of me that I consider scary do not scare him. I still don’t feel like I really deserve him, but I am so thankful I have him.
The distance still gets to me, but I’m doing my best to stay patient. I have expressed my fears regarding this matter to him a few times and I’m sure I will again at some point. That was one of the driving forces behind my meltdown. The anxiety just got to me. I have never been a patient person.
I have a problem with bottling up my feelings and they all kind of overflowed on Sunday. A mini-meltdown, I guess you could call it. So, now I’m supposed to be writing every day per Sir’s instruction. I’ll probably just write a blog post here every day because I forgot the password to my online journal. I can’t guarantee any of it will be interesting.
It isn’t easy for me to write on command. My mind kind of freezes.
Maybe I’ll just write about myself…
I’m learning to speak Swedish. I already know a few words anyway, my dad’s side of the family is of Swedish descent. We used to eat a lot of Scandinavian foods at holidays. No, not lutefisk. Homemade lefse and LOTS of it. In fact, my great grandpa was born in Sweden and was probably a teenager when they came to the US. My grandparents could speak Swedish and Norwegian. I wish I had taken advantage before they passed away…. I get jealous of people who still have grandparents because mine have been gone for years…
Anyway.. that’s a sore subject. It always has been. Instant tears, basically.
Learning Swedish will give me a distraction from my anxiety. Or, I hope it will. I bore easily, so I constantly need something new to challenge my mind. What better than an entirely new language?
On that same note, maybe that’s why I’m so dissatisfied with my job. It isn’t challenging me. In an attempt to fix it, my boss is giving me a different job and hiring someone else to do mine but I don’t foresee that lasting more than a few months before boredom sets in again.
Today has been a mediocre day. I haven’t felt overly anxious but I also feel a little bit like I’ve just been coasting through. There isn’t much more on my mind.
Yesterday was rough. It’s better now but I still feel a little off. To be honest, I’ve just overwhelmed with life. Being in the hospital threw me off and stuck me with so many bills I can’t afford. It’s okay I guess. Somewhere along the line I have to understand my life is more valuable than money… that infection could have killed me. I know that. But why don’t I believe It?
I have Sir and I am thankful. To be quite honest, I worried very much that my rash words would be enough to drive him away. I just had so many feelings… so many anxieties and fears and they all came tumbling out in a series of poorly thought out text messages.
I spent the last 30 minutes writing “I am a good slave because Master tells me so” over and over again. Even now I’m trying to repeat those words in my head, to make them stick. I want to trust him and part of me absolutely does. But part of me is still a terrified little girl.
There have been very few times in my life when I have felt truly broken. Today is one of them.
I thought that writing about it might help. Turns out, I have no desire to do so.
I am so.. exhausted.