I haven’t been writing much… for a lot of reasons. Usually when this happens it is because, for whatever reason, my life has gone up in flames. Not so true this time, it might be smoking a little but… it doesn’t seem so bad.
First thing’s first, my relationship is no longer. I’m strangely okay with it. I have a lot of resentment, but I don’t feel that crushing, breaking feeling I felt in the past. We weren’t on the same wave length, he could not give me what I needed and I do not believe for a moment that I was what he needed. Maybe it’s the anxiety meds, but my world is still spinning. I shed a few tears and then I got up and cleaned my apartment. I put on a classic rock Pandora station, and I’m letting Tom Petty carry my mind away.
I am not certain I will pursue another D/s type relationship. If it finds me, it finds me but at this point, I have no desire to ever be that vulnerable with another person.
On that same note, I have been thinking about Jason a lot. It is normal at this time of year, for various reasons. He was in my dream a few weeks ago, I was at his house and we were standing outside by his truck talking. There was a woman, who I presumed to be his girlfriend, trying to pull me away from him. When that didn’t work, she tried to interrupt our conversation and stand between us. After her attempts failed, she got into the truck and sped off.
I was telling him about my lingering feelings, the good and the bad. I told him how he had affected my life, how the alcohol had affected my life… and I cried. His voice was nonchalant, but his face was pained. It was very reminiscent of the last time moment I saw him in real life. There was no anger, no fighting (as there had been the night before)… he might have actually been near sober. He was sitting on the sofa playing Guitar Hero…. I hugged him and he kissed my cheek and told me he couldn’t walk me to my car and also that I wasn’t allowed to cry.
So often I wish I could say I was over him, but I’m not really. Perhaps it affected my relationship and led to its demise… I can’t say. It doesn’t even really matter now.
On a happier note, I got my promotion! My boss got promoted, so I have started transitioning into his position and will be fully taking over in January. So, sometimes the good is mixed in with the bad… but, as cheesy as this sounds, the door to the future is wide open.