This is what happened

I mentioned a few posts ago that things have changed regarding the status of my relationship and that I was absolutely not going to talk about it.  Just kidding, I’m going to talk about my relationship because this is a D/s blog and I want to use it for it’s intended purpose.

First let me tell you something – submission is hard for me.  Not because I don’t want it or because my heart isn’t in it, but because I am always afraid of being hurt like I was with my first Dom.  For a long time after the disaster that was my first Dom (and my first real love) I truly believed that I was not cut out for this life regardless of how badly I desired it.

Let us rewind to a month ago, almost to the day.  I began to second guess myself and what I wanted in this lifestyle.  I was also feeling needy.  I just wanted attention and, being long distance for now, it isn’t always available when I need it.  As much as I love the idea, it isn’t realistic (or healthy) to be in constant contact 100% of the time.

I’m not going to take all the blame here, there were some communication issues on both sides but I was not fair.  I wanted him to make me stay.  Long story short, a lot of accusations got thrown out about how his feelings are dependent on many different factors.  They aren’t, but I made myself believe that they were.  I ran away.  Again.

Then I self-destructed, which some people may have read about on this blog before I hid those posts.

I expected him to have finally given up on me, but he didn’t.  He was still there, willing to try again.  Being without him hurt me so much that I promised I would try harder, show him exactly how much I wanted, and needed, to belong to him.  And, I do… I do so much.  I have renewed my resolve to follow his rules and to learn to give into my submission and this time it feels better.  It doesn’t feel so forced, it feels natural… it feels like exactly what I needed.

There are still hurdles to climb.  I need him to open up to me more and he is trying, I can tell.  I need to learn to be more patient, to remember to take deep breaths, and to stop second guessing him.  He has shown me over and over again that he worthy of my trust and submission and it’s my turn to prove to him that I am worthy of all the patience and love he has given me.

He is my Master and I am his slave and that is all I want.  It is a work in progress, and always will be, but it is a part of me and I cannot run away from it.

The below song is fitting, in a lot of ways.  Also, RIP to one of the most influential artists in my life and one of the driving forces behind my treble clef tattoo.

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Updates WOOOO

It’s been a bit.  I really needed some time, but my goodness, a lot has changed.  The one thing that isn’t changing from my last post, is that I am absolutely not discussing my relationship here.  That situation has changed and I just want to keep it to myself forever and ever and ever.  😉

I do plan to still use this blog for the occasional personal post and also my budding erotica career.  By budding career, I actually mean when I kinda sorta write a few words that are somewhat sexy to me.

Other things that are new:

  1. I got a tattoo – a treble clef on my left wrist.  I’m obsessed with it.
  2. I’ve lost 20 pounds and my pants mostly fit again.  Woooo.
  3. There is not a third thing.

Anyway, ta ta for now.

 

Yes, they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness

I realize I quite literally just posted on this blog, but I had more words stuck in my head.

This weekend I had the chance to see Billy Joel in concert in Minneapolis.  It was pretty amazing.  I can tell you that 35,000 people singing a long to Piano Man was probably one of the most amazing experiences of my entire life.  I feel comfortable telling you this and not blowing my anonymity for a few reasons:

  1. I do not live anywhere even close to Minneapolis and I do not live in Minnesota at all.
  2. There were 35,000 other people at the show.
  3. If you really wanted to figure out my personal information, you could.  This is the internet after all.

Anyway, the show was amazing.  He brought out Axl Rose for a few songs at which point I started sobbing and emitting high pitched noises. Yup, I fangirled all over the place. My dad listened to a lot of Guns N Roses, AC/DC, etc while I was growing up.  Music, notably rock music, has always been such a huge part of my life.

Yes, the concert was amazing (not quite as awesome as when I saw Fleetwood Mac, but close!) but I felt so alone.  Even with all those people, it just felt so empty.  I was surrounded by couples enjoying time together and I was jealous.

I have Sir and I love him more than I can even put into words, but we are long-distance. It bothers me, I admit that it does and I have admitted it before.  I am not used to long-distance and I will tell you that it is absolutely not ideal.  There is always this fear in the back of mind that it will never be anything but long-distance and that isn’t what I want in the long run.  It’s probably my anxiety making me overthink, but what if it isn’t…?

 

Ring of fire

This week has been far better than my previous weeks.  Most notably, I do not burst into random tears at random times throughout the day and night.  I am almost back to my usual smitten kitten, daydreamy, heart-eyed self.Emoji

Running away was not my best idea.  Not even in the realm of a good idea, BUT I learned some things:

  1. I am a submissive and it does not matter whether you or anyone else agrees with me. I know I am, and that’s that.  On that same note, I must stop comparing myself to other submissives.
  2. I did not confuse lust and love.  I missed Sir more during that week than I have ever missed anyone or anything in my entire life, so much so that it was physically painful. (You know, like… it burns, burns, burns… the ring of fire)  That is not lust.
  3. I need to trust.  Sir has beyond proven that he deserves that trust.   All of the times he could have given up on me and he did not.

I think I have been trying harder lately – to be a better submissive and a better person in general.  I did not just wake up one day and decide to be submissive, I have known since I was a teenager.  Running away and giving up seemed like the easiest option at the time and it absolutely was not.  Not at all.

I’m back!

Quite a bit has happened since I last wrote, a public post at least.  It was a bit of a meltdown, the constant questioning and anxiety that is constantly going on in my head just got to me.  Instead of lashing out, I just ran away… from this blog, this life, and from Sir.

I thought that leaving my submission in the rear-view mirror would feel like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  It didn’t.  For a week, all I did was cry – cried myself to sleep, cried in the shower, cried in the bathroom at work.

I ran away and he was still there when I came back.  I don’t think I deserve him, but I’m not sure what I would have done if he wasn’t there.

It happened and it’s over.  Life isn’t perfect, but things will be okay.  The lesson here is that apparently running away doesn’t solve anything.  Anddd that’s all I want to say about that.  Lesson learned.

 

In other news, I have been extremely aware lately that I do not have any sexual fantasies.  Who doesn’t have those!?  Of course, there are things that turn me on but not one detailed fantasy that runs through my mind.

So I have been trying REALLY hard to think of something that qualifies as a fantasy.  I don’t have what I consider a ‘dirty’ mind (unless I’ve been drinking) so it’s difficult for me to reach into those deep, dark parts of my brain.

But there is one thing that comes to mind – abduction.  I have fantasized about that.  I don’t mean being abducted by a total stranger.  Just role play.  Anything that makes me feel powerless….

 

 

Patience

Either I have far less feelings than I thought or my mind specifically goes blank when it comes time to blog.  I stare at this blank page for 30 minutes before an idea even begins to float in my mind.

I’m just not an open person.  Of course, I’d like to think I am.  I am trying to be though, especially with Sir.  Especially after Sunday’s mini-meltdown.  It seems like all the parts of me that I consider scary do not scare him.  I still don’t feel like I really deserve him, but I am so thankful I have him.

The distance still gets to me, but I’m doing my best to stay patient.  I have expressed my fears regarding this matter to him a few times and I’m sure I will again at some point.  That was one of the driving forces behind my meltdown.  The anxiety just got to me.  I have never been a patient person.

 

 

Stella learns Svenska

I have a problem with bottling up my feelings and they all kind of overflowed on Sunday.  A mini-meltdown, I guess you could call it.  So, now I’m supposed to be writing every day per Sir’s instruction.  I’ll probably just write a blog post here every day because I forgot the password to my online journal.   I can’t guarantee any of it will be interesting.

It isn’t easy for me to write on command.  My mind kind of freezes.

Maybe I’ll just write about myself…

I’m learning to speak Swedish.  I already know a few words anyway, my dad’s side of the family is of Swedish descent.  We used to eat a lot of Scandinavian foods at holidays.  No, not lutefisk.  Homemade lefse and LOTS of it.  In fact, my great grandpa was born in Sweden and was probably a teenager when they came to the US.  My grandparents could speak Swedish and Norwegian.  I wish I had taken advantage before they passed away….  I get jealous of people who still have grandparents because mine have been gone for years…

Anyway.. that’s a sore subject.  It always has been.  Instant tears, basically.

Learning Swedish will give me a distraction from my anxiety.  Or, I hope it will.  I bore easily, so I constantly need something new to challenge my mind.  What better than an entirely new language?

On that same note, maybe that’s why I’m so dissatisfied with my job.  It isn’t challenging me.  In an attempt to fix it, my boss is giving me a different job and hiring someone else to do mine but I don’t foresee that lasting more than a few months before boredom sets in again.

Today has been a mediocre day.  I haven’t felt overly anxious but I also feel a little bit like I’ve just been coasting through.  There isn’t much more on my mind.