Mistake…?

I haven’t really mentioned it, but I reached out to Jason a few weeks ago.  I’ve mentioned him a few times here, the only person who has truly broken my heart.  

I did it because I had hoped it would help me release some of the pain I still hold onto, and give me a chance to say things I never got the chance to say, but now I’m not sure.  Maybe I made a mistake… maybe I need to step back.  Maybe he isn’t meant to be a part of my life at all, no matter how small.  I just… don’t know.  

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Exhausted

All I want to do right now is curl up in a ball under my covers and cry.  I don’t really want to wake up dehydrated with puffy eyes though so I’m trying to keep it together.

As per usual, nothing is actually wrong but my anxiety is high today and I feel so alone.

I’m watching Titanic to distract myself but I’ll have to stop soon.  Once the ship starts sinking, I basically just cry through the rest of the movie.  No puffy eyes…

I still need to continue the 30 days of kink posts I have been doing but every time I look at a prompt my mind just freezes.

I’m at a loss.  I don’t know how to make myself better.  Counseling isn’t anywhere close to being in the financial cards… and there just aren’t other options.

Ughhh

The bills started arriving from the hospital today – exciting.  Luckily they’re willing to work with me but it’s still going to be tough to make the minimum payments.  I am still struggling to not regret going to the hospital.  I very much understand the severity of the infection and that it was actually an emergency… but fuck.  Why can I never get ahead in life?  The universe sees I am making progress and then just knocks me right back down.

I considered getting a roommate, but then I realized that wouldn’t work.  I live alone because I cannot get along with anyone for an extended period of time.  It doesn’t matter how much I like someone, sometimes I need a break.  Even the cats get on my nerves occasionally.

I’d like to sit outside but since my ex-boyfriend moved in to a neighboring building, I can’t even do that.  In fact, I can see him now from my window.  He is always there.  Sometimes I have nightmares that he is standing outside my bedroom window in the middle of the night – I mean, I think they’re nightmares.  Even the tiniest shadow of movement makes me jump out of my skin.  I won’t be moving though, that is way out of my budget.  I don’t know if he’s dangerous or not.

Ugh. My life.  In the grand scheme of things, it really isn’t so bad.  I know.

I’ve been listening to Taylor Swift all day.  I’ve always enjoyed her music, don’t judge me.  I identify with her songs.

 

 

No.

I really hate this, writing everyday. It feels like a punishment now. It feels like I’m forcing out words and none of it feels natural.  It doesn’t help my anxiety. I never know what to write because this isn’t how my mind works.