Silence.

You know what’s so frustrating?  Talking to someone for MONTHS and then they constantly (and randomly!) disappear.  I used to make up excuses for him – busy, busy, busy.  But… I’m busy, too.

This is why I am so frustrated.  I don’t know how people do this.  I have PTSD from my first Dom and serious trust issues from my second. (Granted it isn’t just Doms that have screwed me up.  My very first boyfriend raped me.  The most recent vanilla ex?  He threatened to kill me.)  The messages that fill my Fetlife and Collarspace inboxes are 99% abusive, sexist filth.  When I do find someone worth talking to, they disappear in days or they’re too far away to take seriously.

Everyone keeps saying, “be patient, the right one will come.”  Are you sure?  My patience is wearing thin.

 

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Lost.

I woke up this morning feeling so lost, unable to shake the feelings of pure uncertainty.  Part of me wants to run and never stop.  The other part of my just can’t seem to look away – like a gory accident.

But – this isn’t a political blog so I shall go no further.

No major updates in my submissive adventures.  I am talking with a few Doms – but, for every good Dom I speak with, there are about a million that I had to block.

It is difficult.  I’m still a little fragile from previous bad experiences, most aren’t willing to go at my pace… aren’t willing to wait that long.

Attached.

When I was hanging out with a Dom a few months ago – I was never truly present.  I wanted to submit.  I really, really did.  But, it wasn’t to him I wanted to submit.  He spanked really well (and that’s about it) but I was never really submissive, just going through the motions.

I met up with him because I was frustrated and also because I felt pressure from people in my life (mother, friends… etc) to give someone, anyone, a chance.  Granted, they had no idea about the Dom part.  Mostly, I was frustrated.  There were better options so far out of my reach and I had had enough.  I felt like I was wasting my time.

I don’t want ‘just’ a Dom, I want something real… a real connection.  I can’t be submissive without becoming attached – and attachment, for me, rarely ends in anything other than complete devastation.  I don’t want that to happen again…

I’m not sure where I’m trying to go with the post, but I felt the need to type something out.  I am feeling that frustration again – that I’m wasting my time, that maybe the things I want aren’t attainable.  I just… don’t know.

stella

Another one bites the dust

It is very possible that the person this post is about will see it.  Part of me feels bad because I am about to be so brutally honest – but, this is MY blog and this was my experience.  From now on, I’ll have to warn anyone who ever speaks to me: I blog in the same way that Taylor Swift writes songs.

I have this horrible habit: I trust people who do not deserve it and am wary of those that do.  It has always been this way.

We met on a vanilla dating site, believe it or not, but he recognized me from my profile on Collarspace.  Yes, I have one of those.  Apparently we had messaged back and forth.  That should have been red flag number one.

I did enjoy talking to him.  We had a lot in common – vanilla and kinky.  He called himself a Master though and initially said he was looking for a slave.  I am NOT and will NEVER be a slave.  He assured me this was okay.  Although, I am not sure he truly understood the difference.

Much like myself, he was looking for a real relationship within the D/s dynamic.  I don’t know why I trusted him.  We hung out a few times before anything happened – it went alright, but was not amazing.  I was NOT attracted to him but I kept trying to convince myself his personality would make up for it.

The first time we “played” was just a spanking.  No issues there.  Spanking is and always has been my main fetish.  It wasn’t overly hard – just his hand and a belt.  Nothing here was throwing up a red flag, it actually helped calm my anxiety.

The next time was more, spanking and an orgasm.

The next time, he wanted a blow job.  I won’t lie – I enjoy doing that, always have.  But, this time I didn’t enjoy it.  It tasted strange, it smelled worse.  Not diseased or anything, just dirty.  I realize that is so much TMI.  Sorry.  How does one even bring that up?  I had to hold my breath to avoid gagging more than I already was.

I recently read a post on FetLife about ‘sub frenzy’ and I am certain I had it.  He wasn’t what I wanted, or even close, but I was just so desperate to fulfill my submissive desires.  His cock made me gag, not in a good way, and I was willing to keep going because I thought I was being “good.”

He bought me a collar and told me he took it seriously. We actually went to a store and bought it (a long with a plug).  I prefer online shopping so I was miserable the entire time.  I just wanted to get out of the store.  The second he put that collar on my neck, my anxiety sky-rocketed.

One night he called to tell me he was having bad nightmares, wanted to focus more on work, didn’t think he could stay in control, excuse after excuse after excuse.  He kept repeating, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” as if it made some sort of difference or legitimatized his excuses.

My suspicion is that he couldn’t handle taking it as slow as I needed it to go.  He wanted a slave and I made it clear I would never be one.

Strangely out of character, I was not upset.  I hung up the phone, took a deep breath, and that was it.  He had only been in my life a short time – no need to waste any more of it.

stella

Emotional Abuse

Today, after a five month fight, I was able to get my ex-boyfriend off my apartment lease. Until now, he would have been legally able to enter the apartment at any time. I wanted to post this as a reminder that emotional abuse is a thing, a BIG thing.

I can’t tell you how many times during that relationship that I thought to myself: “Well, he only threatened to hit/hurt/etc… so it’s okay.”

But, it’s not okay. What happens when those threats become real?

I used to dread leaving work. I would have rather stayed at WORK than go home.

“…emotional abuse can seriously damage emotional health, causing clinical anxiety, depression, a skewed view of self-worth and an extreme lack of self-esteem.”

[https://www.davidwolfe.com/20-signs-relationship-em…]

Emotional abuse is real and it IS damaging. Something as simple as seeing a vehicle similar to his is enough to trigger a panic attack. In that moment, all I can think about is the time he threatened to drive us off a bridge.

I never understood until it happened. I got lucky. So lucky, it could have been so much worse. Maybe someone in a similar situation can read this… and be lucky too.