And then the light switched on…

I had a serious revelation this afternoon.

It was a slow day at work and so I was exchanging a few messages with a Dom I had met on Collarspace a few days ago.  We were talking about punishment (and I don’t mean the fun kind).  I know not every D/s dynamic has a punishment element, but it has always been an interesting topic to discuss.

My first thought was, “I need to make sure this guy isn’t a total psycho” so I asked him a very carefully selected question:  What goes through your mind when you are punishing your submissive?

To be totally honest, I was expecting an answer that would prove to me he was indeed insane.  He sent a paragraph long reply but the first sentence, and basic idea of the entire paragraph, was: “I think about her trust in me.”

It’s like a light bulb suddenly lit in my head. Instead of starting from scratch, giving him a clean slate, I gave him the broken one that the others had left me with.  I was trying to find a reason to stop talking to him even though he had given no indication that he was a threat.

I haven’t found a Dom, not because there aren’t any good ones out there but because I have put them all into the same category: bad.  I haven’t given any of them a chance to prove themselves.

Lesson of the day:  There are crazy Doms out there, but there ARE good ones too.  It’s time to have a little more faith and a little more trust.

stella

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A little good luck

So lately, all I have been getting on Collarspace are messages like the below.  Cannibals, death threats, and lots of verbal abuse is pretty much the norm in my inbox.

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However, shockingly I have been having a fantastic conversation with a Dom who messaged me a few days ago.  Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT getting ahead of myself here. I fully realize that we have only been talking for a few days and, as usual, distance is an issue.  Long story short, I am enjoying the conversation but not about to rush into anything.

I have been talking to a couple of Doms for awhile.  Is it wrong of me to keep my options open like that?  I haven’t made any commitments and I have not been dishonest about it.  I feel a little guilty about it, but cannot pin point why.

stella

 

My submission

I talk a lot about Jason and all the bad things that happened in that relationship.  It didn’t start that way.  It was good.  So good.  I think that’s why I had such a hard time letting go of him.  He was the first person I was ever honest with about my interest in BDSM and my submissive desires.

Where did all this come from!?  A Dom I exchanged a few messages with asked me to describe my submissiveness.  I never know what to say when they ask that.. is it even possible?  It is different for everyone but I feel like my description won’t be uncommon.

My submission comes only when I feel a connection has been established and once its been tapped into, its intense.  I’m fiercely loyal by nature but my submission brings it out further.  All I want to do is please and it consumes me entirely.  It almost feels like standing on the edge of a cliff and trusting that the world won’t fall away under your feet.

Of course, the Earth did fall away.

Jason and I lived four hours away from each other, so we only got to spend time together a few weekends a month.  The sound of his voice on the phone was enough to pull me into subspace almost instantly.  He’d call me anytime, even at 3 in the morning after I had just suffered yet another night terror.  All I wanted was to make him happy and I did everything within my capabilities to do so.

It wasn’t all bad.

When I first realized there was a problem, I felt like I failed as a girlfriend and a submissive.  I know now that I did not, but it really broke me.  Part of me is still very broken but that is temporary.

I wanted to write this because I realized I talk about my experiences but never my submission itself.  It is so difficult to put into words.

stella

 

 

Stella thoughts: You’re a fake!!

I wish so much that my real name was Stella!  It sounds slightly old fashioned and I loveee that!!

I have had a few interesting messages on Collarspace today.  The first one was from a Dom obsessed with extreme anal torture.  I mean, EXTREME.  Supposedly, he likes to use baseball bats and traffic cones in the same way that one would use a butt plug.  Not only that, he likes to use these things at the same time.  Is that even possible!? I’m guessing it’s a big exaggeration, but ouch!  No thanks.

I get a lot of what I deem ‘unrealistic expectations’ shoved into my inbox.  An example is the above, but also those who think they can actually keep a person locked in a cage in their basement for the rest of their lives.

The second was from a Master (he said anyone who identified as a Dom was fake) who was looking for a bi-sexual, no limits slave.  In other words, a unicorn.  I did not even reply to his message as he went on to say that submissives were also fake because they should be a no limits slave or just stay vanilla.

I very much dislike when someone calls someone fake for having a different opinion.  My favorite thing about the BDSM and kink world is that you can basically mold it however you want.  As long as you are being safe, sane, and consensual, there is no right or wrong way to live the lifestyle.

I have been called a fake for many reasons: being a sub and not a slave, not being into other women, having limits, not liking a certain fetish, not being a doormat, etc, etc, etc..  For awhile, it really bothered me and contributed to my second thoughts about my submissiveness.  Now I just giggle at those people.  Call me fake if you want.  The real lesson here is: be happy and live your life in whatever way you want!

On an unrelated note, I took a personality test today.  I am, apparently, an INFP.  Basically, an idealist or a dreamer.  I felt really misunderstood for a minute as I did not feel that idealist fit me and then the first paragraph of the description said “most likely to feel misunderstood.”  Hit the nail on the head with that one.

stella

 

 

Patience that I do not possess

I’m frustrated today and angry.  Perhaps, a little irrationally.  Part of is can be attributed to a major overhaul of my eating habits in an attempt to be healthier but part of it… can not.

Everyone keeps saying to be patient.  Be patient… be patient.  JUST BE PATIENT.  I keep saying it to myself too: Just be patient, Stella.  It will work out.  It will be okay.  Patience.  But, when is it time to draw the line?

stella

Stella Thoughts Again

A quick update on my sexting adventures:  I have my profile verified and live.  No customers yet but I would assume it is because there are quite a few ‘sexters’ to choose from.  This will take time and I knew that!  I am also not super clear on how the site works so it’s a learning process.

Yesterday, I got my masquerade mask in the mail so I will finally be able to add better photos to my texting profile.  Maybeeee, I’ll post one here.

And, an update on my submissive life: The search is still on.  I have received nothing by incredibly disrespectful messages on Collarspace recently, so things aren’t looking up there.  Not that I expected them to, that site is terrible 98% of the time.

It’s been the same old, same old.  Whiny men twice my age who are upset that I have a preferred age range.  Nothing worse than a supposed Dominant dropping by my inbox to bitch.

After my bad experiences, I completely shunned my submissiveness.  I hated it, I blamed it for hurting me so much.  Lately, especially as I have been able to use this blog as an outlet, I have been able to slowly move past those things.  I’m ready to start testing the waters again.

stella

Why?

Today is one of those days where I wished all my friends here weren’t so vanilla.  Could have really used some real time support.

This isn’t a situation I can talk about here and I wish I could…but why is it so difficult to tell someone exactly how you feel?