Yet again, it has been a few days since I have written. Not because I do not want to, but because I cannot seem to find anything to write about. My entire focus as of late has been my new resolve to become healthier. When you cut sugar out of your diet, it really REALLY messes with you. I guess my submissive journey got put on the back-burner for a minute.
Speaking of my submissive journey, I had yet another revelation a week or so ago. Previously, I talked about how I separate myself into two beings: Submissive Stella and Vanilla Stella. I have been thinking about ways to merge these two beings back together, as they should be. The only words that keep flashing across my mind are: “Figure out who you are.”
That’s it. The past few years, I have been wandering around life having no clue who I am. None. I have started a list. A list of things (even the most mundane) that make up Stella, that make up the person I am and have been for all 27 years of my life.
Stella’s List of Stella-things:
- I am submissive. I know this for certain.
- I am an INFP. This personality type most rings true.
- Over-thinking is my specialty.
- I work in finance, but I actually hate numbers.
- I have extremely sensitive intuition.
- Emotions stay bottled up in my mind for a LONG time.
- On a sad day, cherry poptarts make me kind of happy.
So, you get the picture. Somewhere a long the line, I lost myself. It’s like getting to know a complete stranger again, I feel like I need to ask myself: “So, what are your hobbies? What’s your favorite color?” One day, one step at a time… I’ll figure this out.
It’s 2017 and it feels strange. I have no idea why. This isn’t where I thought I would be by now. Not even close. It doesn’t feel good, but it is what it is. Right? I have an entirely new year to fix it all – to meet new people, to figure out my passion.
2016 was not a total bust. I ended an abusive relationship so I no longer have to fear going home. I no longer have to listen to my boyfriend threaten to crash the car into the river… with us in it.
It is strange to me how people affect our lives. The above mentioned boyfriend was in my life for two years but that relationship left minimal scarring (except for the panic attacks every time I see a vehicle that looks like his). He knew he was hurting me and I knew he was hurting me. It sucked but, when it ended, there were no loose ends.
The one who promised that he understood me, that’s where the biggest disappointment lives. I cannot be submissive without getting attached. I cannot be submissive without getting attached. I cannot be submissive without getting attached. Attachment does not require much. In fact, he did not understand and I was stupid enough to believe that he truly did. Nothing came out of that except the most drowning feeling of disappointment I have ever experienced. I still feel it. Last night it even spilled into my dreams. I never wrote about it here and I wish I had.
Lessons learned in 2016: trust your instincts, ask more questions, do not settle. Do not ever settle.
Maybe we got lost in translation.
Maybe I asked for too much.
And, maybe this thing was a masterpiece til you tore it all up
It is frustrating that Taylor Swift, of all people, seems to have written the soundtrack to my life. My playlists have always been full of heavy metal and alt rock, but she is my guilty pleasure.
Happy New Year, friends. I truly hope all your wildest dreams come true 😉
Quick update: There has been zero response to the major doses of honesty I unleashed on a few people yesterday evening. That’s fine, try not to let the door hit you on the way out of my life. The real test will be this weekend when I celebrate the New Year.
Today I woke up with a bit of a new outlook. I woke up to a few new messages on my Collarspace and FetLife accounts, one was super disgusting and I ignored it… but the others, I actually sent replies. This is big. Usually, I ignore 90% of messages regardless of content. This is a big step in my resolve to stop writing off all Doms as ‘bad’.
I don’t think the Doms I’ve talked to today have any real potential, we have so little in common. But, at least I tried! They were friendly enough, but didn’t keep my interest. I need someone who can do better. I’ll know when I find him. Well, actually I thought I HAD found him but life is funny sometimes. I tried, nothing happened, and that’s that.
This post is a snowball off my previous post, another mixture of thoughts and revelations and goals. I finally made it home today though my usual one hour drive took almost two and a half hours. It was so icy and at times, no more than a few feet of visibility, a few cars even spun into the ditch because they were going too fast. Even though I have a terrible habit of going out when I should stay home, I’ll never understand people that are not cautious during bad weather. I was going 5o mph on a 70 mph road, and they were easily going over 70.
I don’t think I was in grave danger at any point (such a drama queen, I am sometimes), but, the entire experience very much solidified everything I discussed in my previous post. In fact, doses of Stella honesty were given to a few people the second I walked into my apartment. Those people might read this (I do occasionally tell people about my blog) and that is okay. They know how to reach me if they want to argue their side. However, I have not received any replies and I doubt that I will.
In some cases, I wasted many months trying to trust, to be patient, and to believe that I was not being fed constant lies. It hurts me a lot that I gave someone such an in-depth look into my life, opened up my biggest vulnerabilities for absolutely nothing. It was difficult to be that honest with these people. It was just one that made me feel so sad…
Submission, though it comes naturally when allowed, does not come easy. When those submissive feelings arise, I just want to fight it. It seems like every single time I stop fighting – everything crashes down. For the past few weeks, though? I feel that I am ready to embrace it. I want it, crave it, need it like I used to. I feel very optimistic right now, I think 2017 might be my year. 😉
This post half pertains to my D/s journey and half pertains to other aspects of my life.
I’ve spent the last few days at my parents house for the holidays. I want to go home now, but an ice storm has prevented that from happening. I love my family but sometimes I just need space. I imagine they feel the same. We never have a lot to talk about. I see the relationships my friends have with their parents and I get jealous. Hugs aren’t a thing in my family, neither are the words I love you. In fact, the ONLY time I’ve ever heard my dad say it was after I failed a suicide attempt about three years ago.
Enough about that, just needed to vent. Sorry.
In 2017, actually, effective immediately, I’m making a vow to stop doing things that make me genuinely miserable and to start evaluating the people I spend my time with. I don’t want anyone in my life who doesn’t want to be there and I shouldn’t have to accommodate them. A few people are about to get serious doses of Stella honesty in the next few days.
I think those two specifically have a lot to do with my D/s journey. I’m just done settling for less than what I truly want, done giving chances to Doms who don’t make a return effort. There seems to be this misconception that submissives are doormats. You and I both know that isn’t true and I’m not about to feed into that ridiculous stereotype. Submissives are some of the strongest people I have ever met, and I will show that strength.
My final major goal is to take charge of my health. My coworkers and I are doing a three week no sugar thing. It’s pretty drastic, and I normally don’t go for these type of ‘diets’, but this is an actual life change and does not end after the three weeks.
When I’m eating healthy foods and working out a little bit, I feel so much happier and so much less stressed. I treat myself like absolute crap 99% of the time and it’s time to just be nice to my body.
And, finally, I will continue to learn to accept my submissiveness. Those Doms that hurt me are not part of my life anymore and they cannot affect my future.
I had a serious revelation this afternoon.
It was a slow day at work and so I was exchanging a few messages with a Dom I had met on Collarspace a few days ago. We were talking about punishment (and I don’t mean the fun kind). I know not every D/s dynamic has a punishment element, but it has always been an interesting topic to discuss.
My first thought was, “I need to make sure this guy isn’t a total psycho” so I asked him a very carefully selected question: What goes through your mind when you are punishing your submissive?
To be totally honest, I was expecting an answer that would prove to me he was indeed insane. He sent a paragraph long reply but the first sentence, and basic idea of the entire paragraph, was: “I think about her trust in me.”
It’s like a light bulb suddenly lit in my head. Instead of starting from scratch, giving him a clean slate, I gave him the broken one that the others had left me with. I was trying to find a reason to stop talking to him even though he had given no indication that he was a threat.
I haven’t found a Dom, not because there aren’t any good ones out there but because I have put them all into the same category: bad. I haven’t given any of them a chance to prove themselves.
Lesson of the day: There are crazy Doms out there, but there ARE good ones too. It’s time to have a little more faith and a little more trust.
So lately, all I have been getting on Collarspace are messages like the below. Cannibals, death threats, and lots of verbal abuse is pretty much the norm in my inbox.
However, shockingly I have been having a fantastic conversation with a Dom who messaged me a few days ago. Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT getting ahead of myself here. I fully realize that we have only been talking for a few days and, as usual, distance is an issue. Long story short, I am enjoying the conversation but not about to rush into anything.
I have been talking to a couple of Doms for awhile. Is it wrong of me to keep my options open like that? I haven’t made any commitments and I have not been dishonest about it. I feel a little guilty about it, but cannot pin point why.