I did it…

…well, kind of.

In my last post, I talked about the site I had found that allows people to be available for ‘sexting’ and get paid.  There are other opportunities if you want to sell photos (or panties) as well, but I figured sexting was super easy.

I was having a dilemma, not sure if I wanted to BUT I created my profile this morning.  All I need to do now is verify my number and throw up a couple semi-sexy pics (face hidden, of course).

So, that’s my quick update.  This will certainly be interesting and I’m hoping it helps break away some of my shyness so I can learn to be more open.

stella

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Stella the phone whore

I am having a dilemma.  A ridiculous dilemma, as mine tend to be.

So, I already have a decent job but I really need to make some extra cash to help towards student loans and various other credit card related mistakes I made as a stupid 20 year old.

I found a legitimate website which allows you to basically get paid for ‘sexting’ (among other things.  All legal.) and I think I might do it.  It seems they have pretty stringent privacy measures in place and I would, of course, use the site under my alias.

I have made a list of pros and cons!  Actually, I created an Excel spreadsheet but I try not to broadcast my nerd status too loudly.  (J/K.  Super nerdy and I don’t care.)

Pros:

  • Potential extra cash (sex sells)
  • Learning to be more sexually open
  • Hone dirty talk skills (I currently have NONE)
  • Interesting stories for this blog
  • Phone numbers are kept private

Cons:

  • Could be recognized (though, as I said, I would be ‘sexting’ under my Stella alias)
  • Might go total ‘deer in the headlights’
  • Creepers
  • Lots of dick pics (I like cocks, but dear god, not random ones)

It’s basically a tie at this point though I do think the pros might slightly outweigh the cons.  I gave myself a deadline of tomorrow evening to decide.  Any thoughts are always appreciated.

stella

“She’s my wife…”

I wasn’t in love with him.  I wasn’t attracted to him.  I had a shattered heart and I was desperate for attention.  He was into kink, but not D/s.  That’s okay.  I just wanted to fuck.

She kept calling and calling.  I didn’t understand why he didn’t just put that phone on silent.

He didn’t tell me he was married.  He “forgot to mention it” as if it was some tiny, insignificant detail.  He knew how I felt about it and “forgot” to tell me until it was too late.

No matter how long I stayed under the hot water of the shower, I couldn’t scrub the guilt away.

He still tries to contact me sometimes.  He calls me beautiful and tells me he misses me.  Of course he does, she probably figured it out.

stella

The Crazies

As I have mentioned in a few posts, I have an account on Collarspace.  I use my real identity and a few real, but hard to identify, photos.  I wanted to dedicate this post to a few of the “crazies” I have come across in the last few months.  Not only to lighten up the mood on this blog a little but to shed some light on the serious bullshit that happens within the kink world sometimes.

I have removed out personal information such as names, usernames, and photos.  As much as I would love to expose these people, I do have a conscience.

1. Death threats.  I did not take this seriously but I found it pretty amusing.  Not a very secret organization if you tell everyone about them…

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2. Insults.  Do women really go for this in a first message!?

3. Unrealistic ideas.  I think “no release” is just asking for kidnapping charges.  Good luck, buddy.screenshot_20161026-074556

4. Just plain assholes. The second one is the worst.  I know, how dare I be submissive AND have my own interests!?  And the first guy, well, his question will always be a mystery. 

5. K9s.  It’s hard for me not to get judgy about this particular fetish.  I get so many of these messages.  This guy’s username referenced a character from Silence of the Lambs.  Enough said.

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Unfortunately, I know that there are many other women and men out there who receive the same drivel in their inboxes.  It makes it SO difficult to know who is real and who is worth getting to know.

I have met a few good people on Collarspace though and I cannot say it has been a total bust.  It has, however, provided me with some good entertainment over the past while and I’m semi-curious to see what lands in my box next!

stella

 

I wish you would.

Feed on me
You know I’m never far

I’ve been struggling against my submissive side again.  There is a piece of me, after all the abuse, that still sees it as a weakness.  That isn’t true.  I know that.

I still think about Jason.  He still appears in my dreams.  Let’s be clear, I am not still in love with him.  He was the first one I ever felt submissive towards.  I think there is always a little piece of me that will remember.

I was that desperate little girl who would answer his angry, drunken phone calls at 3 AM just because I needed to know he was alive.  It didn’t matter that he had ended everything only a few weeks before.  My therapist told me to ignore him so I ignored her instead and let him rip me apart.

I don’t think that you see
Exactly what you’re doing to me

I have met other Dominant men.  However after Jason, I forced myself into the vanilla world and ended up with a man who threatened to kill me at least once a week.  Then I found Derek.  I wasn’t attracted to him but he was a Dom and we seemed to agree on a lot.  Derek wanted a slave and I am not a slave.

Derek tried so hard to turn me into something I did not want to be.  I wanted to submit and be a “good girl” because it had been so long.  He bought me a butt plug and a collar and forced them on to me.  As you can imagine, it too crashed.

Give me a reason to burn this house down
I wish you would

There is so much more to these two, especially Jason, and in time I will expand.  The song I have inserted throughout this post popped into my Spotify playlist and it made me want to write.

But what do these mini-stories have to do with weakness?  As they continue to beat down on my sense of self-worth, I began to see myself as weak.  I associated my submission with weakness when in reality I believe it shows great strength to surrender to someone like that.

Today is one of those days where I still see the weakness in the mirror.  I know that the sun is on the horizon, but it certainly doesn’t feel like it.

stella

Lyrics from the song Give Me A Reason by Three Days Grace.

Here We Are

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I’ve posted this quote before – I know.  I just can’t get it out of my head.

I have done a little updating on this blog and deleted some old posts.  I want to be able to talk about my past without idealizing it and without making excuses for those that hurt me.  It’s healthy to think of the past as just that, the past, but its part of me and part of my submissive journey. I want this blog to be nothing but real and honest and raw.

I want to use past Stella to peel back the layers of present Stella so I can finally let go.

stella

Stella has standards.

I have had an account on Collarspace for a few months now and, let me tell you, it has certainly been an adventure.  I have met some very interesting individuals on that site.  Just today I’ve had a death threat AND a marriage proposal.  It’s crazy.

However, this isn’t about the Collarspace crazies – we shall let that be for now.  This is about having standards and sticking to them.  I have a few very clear preferences and limits on my profile.

Examples:

I am only interested in men taller than me and men older than me (but not old enough to be my father).  Though, age is slightly negotiable.

My number one hard limit is being shared.  I do NOT share my Dom and I will not be shared with other Doms. 

I don’t have anything against large age differences or those who enjoy sharing/being shared.  They just aren’t for me and because, for some, those limits are deal-breakers, I want to be honest immediately.

I had an awful lot of butt-hurt in my inbox today.  Grown men, some more than twice my age, whining.  Some going so far as to tell me I am hateful and stupid and “not a real submissive.”  Some were nice enough to mask it as ‘advice’:  “You’ll never find a good Dom in that age range – you should really loosen up your standards.”

But, why!?  Why should I have to!?  I’m 27.  If I can’t find a good Dom ages 30ish-40ish, then it isn’t me that has the problem.  Not to mention, if I don’t enjoy being shared… why should I force myself to enjoy it just for them?