Stella thoughts

I feel like complaining today.  It’s just been one of THOSE days.  I shattered a glass this morning and then proceeded to almost burn my building down this afternoon.  My head aches beyond belief and, of course, I forgot to pick up more ibuprofen when I was out earlier.

I have no updates on my ‘sexting’ adventures.  I’m still stuck on the photo issues, unfortunately.  I have hated every single one I have taken thus far.  It’s being worked on… and I am definitely not giving up.

And, the great search for a Dom?  I feel like that will eternally be an issue.  I keep getting messages like the below.  I am pretty certain that this guy wouldn’t go up to anyone in real life and ask the same question.

capture2

Normally, I don’t reply to these messages.  In this case I did just to inform him that I had been raped in real life and did not care to re-live it.  Maybe he would learn.

The reply?

Capture3.PNG

I just can’t.

I should note, I have talked to good people on Collarspace and Doms that could have potential.  However, they are usually too far away or not interested in anything beyond chatting.  I’m always hesitant to write about the good, in fear that I will somehow jinx it.  Because, trust me, there IS good.

Here is what I want:  To find someone who makes me want to submit.  I don’t want to force it because I want it to be real.  Someone who can challenge me in any manner.  But most importantly, I need a Dom who isn’t going to try to turn me into someone else but will take the good and make it better.

I don’t want someone who is going to take advantage of my weaknesses or the things that have happened in my past.  I really, REALLY don’t want someone who is going to treat me as lesser.  I hate that.  Submission does not make me less, it does not make me a doormat.

One day at a time…

stella

 

Advertisements

All the insecurities

A few days ago, I created a profile on a site that allows people (most likely men) to ‘sext’ me for a small fee.  See those posts, here and here.  I haven’t done anything with it yet but I am semi-anxious to start.

What’s the hold up!?

I CANNOT for the life of me shake these random insecurities that seemed to pop up over night.

A little bit about me – I fall into this awkward category between thin and BBW.  Too big for the people who are into skinny girls and not big enough for the people who are into BBWs.  I don’t know, I don’t understand it but it is my experience thus far.

I want to put a photo on my profile.  Nothing overly revealing, but enough to show an accurate depiction of my body.  I do have issues with photos, a story for another blog post, but I thought maybe because this was anonymous it would be easier.  NOPE.  It isn’t.  I hate everything.

I have some sort of idea in my head that my body is just weird.  Part of me hopes that this adventure into a little piece of the sex industry will help me feel more comfortable with myself.

So, tonight’s goal is to take ONE photo of myself in some sort of lingerie.  Just one.  I can do this… right?

stella

I did it…

…well, kind of.

In my last post, I talked about the site I had found that allows people to be available for ‘sexting’ and get paid.  There are other opportunities if you want to sell photos (or panties) as well, but I figured sexting was super easy.

I was having a dilemma, not sure if I wanted to BUT I created my profile this morning.  All I need to do now is verify my number and throw up a couple semi-sexy pics (face hidden, of course).

So, that’s my quick update.  This will certainly be interesting and I’m hoping it helps break away some of my shyness so I can learn to be more open.

stella

Stella the phone whore

I am having a dilemma.  A ridiculous dilemma, as mine tend to be.

So, I already have a decent job but I really need to make some extra cash to help towards student loans and various other credit card related mistakes I made as a stupid 20 year old.

I found a legitimate website which allows you to basically get paid for ‘sexting’ (among other things.  All legal.) and I think I might do it.  It seems they have pretty stringent privacy measures in place and I would, of course, use the site under my alias.

I have made a list of pros and cons!  Actually, I created an Excel spreadsheet but I try not to broadcast my nerd status too loudly.  (J/K.  Super nerdy and I don’t care.)

Pros:

  • Potential extra cash (sex sells)
  • Learning to be more sexually open
  • Hone dirty talk skills (I currently have NONE)
  • Interesting stories for this blog
  • Phone numbers are kept private

Cons:

  • Could be recognized (though, as I said, I would be ‘sexting’ under my Stella alias)
  • Might go total ‘deer in the headlights’
  • Creepers
  • Lots of dick pics (I like cocks, but dear god, not random ones)

It’s basically a tie at this point though I do think the pros might slightly outweigh the cons.  I gave myself a deadline of tomorrow evening to decide.  Any thoughts are always appreciated.

stella

“She’s my wife…”

I wasn’t in love with him.  I wasn’t attracted to him.  I had a shattered heart and I was desperate for attention.  He was into kink, but not D/s.  That’s okay.  I just wanted to fuck.

She kept calling and calling.  I didn’t understand why he didn’t just put that phone on silent.

He didn’t tell me he was married.  He “forgot to mention it” as if it was some tiny, insignificant detail.  He knew how I felt about it and “forgot” to tell me until it was too late.

No matter how long I stayed under the hot water of the shower, I couldn’t scrub the guilt away.

He still tries to contact me sometimes.  He calls me beautiful and tells me he misses me.  Of course he does, she probably figured it out.

stella

The Crazies

As I have mentioned in a few posts, I have an account on Collarspace.  I use my real identity and a few real, but hard to identify, photos.  I wanted to dedicate this post to a few of the “crazies” I have come across in the last few months.  Not only to lighten up the mood on this blog a little but to shed some light on the serious bullshit that happens within the kink world sometimes.

I have removed out personal information such as names, usernames, and photos.  As much as I would love to expose these people, I do have a conscience.

1. Death threats.  I did not take this seriously but I found it pretty amusing.  Not a very secret organization if you tell everyone about them…

Screenshot_20161021-144248.png

2. Insults.  Do women really go for this in a first message!?

3. Unrealistic ideas.  I think “no release” is just asking for kidnapping charges.  Good luck, buddy.screenshot_20161026-074556

4. Just plain assholes. The second one is the worst.  I know, how dare I be submissive AND have my own interests!?  And the first guy, well, his question will always be a mystery. 

5. K9s.  It’s hard for me not to get judgy about this particular fetish.  I get so many of these messages.  This guy’s username referenced a character from Silence of the Lambs.  Enough said.

screenshot_20160703-204702

Unfortunately, I know that there are many other women and men out there who receive the same drivel in their inboxes.  It makes it SO difficult to know who is real and who is worth getting to know.

I have met a few good people on Collarspace though and I cannot say it has been a total bust.  It has, however, provided me with some good entertainment over the past while and I’m semi-curious to see what lands in my box next!

stella

 

I wish you would.

Feed on me
You know I’m never far

I’ve been struggling against my submissive side again.  There is a piece of me, after all the abuse, that still sees it as a weakness.  That isn’t true.  I know that.

I still think about Jason.  He still appears in my dreams.  Let’s be clear, I am not still in love with him.  He was the first one I ever felt submissive towards.  I think there is always a little piece of me that will remember.

I was that desperate little girl who would answer his angry, drunken phone calls at 3 AM just because I needed to know he was alive.  It didn’t matter that he had ended everything only a few weeks before.  My therapist told me to ignore him so I ignored her instead and let him rip me apart.

I don’t think that you see
Exactly what you’re doing to me

I have met other Dominant men.  However after Jason, I forced myself into the vanilla world and ended up with a man who threatened to kill me at least once a week.  Then I found Derek.  I wasn’t attracted to him but he was a Dom and we seemed to agree on a lot.  Derek wanted a slave and I am not a slave.

Derek tried so hard to turn me into something I did not want to be.  I wanted to submit and be a “good girl” because it had been so long.  He bought me a butt plug and a collar and forced them on to me.  As you can imagine, it too crashed.

Give me a reason to burn this house down
I wish you would

There is so much more to these two, especially Jason, and in time I will expand.  The song I have inserted throughout this post popped into my Spotify playlist and it made me want to write.

But what do these mini-stories have to do with weakness?  As they continue to beat down on my sense of self-worth, I began to see myself as weak.  I associated my submission with weakness when in reality I believe it shows great strength to surrender to someone like that.

Today is one of those days where I still see the weakness in the mirror.  I know that the sun is on the horizon, but it certainly doesn’t feel like it.

stella

Lyrics from the song Give Me A Reason by Three Days Grace.