Stella’s Adventures in…Online Dating?

Being fresh out of a shitty relationship, I’d like to make it clear that I’m not truly in the market for a new relationship.  I created profiles on some major dating websites, under my real identity, as a bit of a social experiment: What happens when one is honest about their submissive side?

Long story short, it was sooooo bad I deleted all of the profiles within a few days.  It’s like some men, typically vanilla, see the words kinky or submissive and assume easy or slutty.

“I see you’re submissive. I bet you’d really like to suck my cock.”

A real quote, unfortunately.  I blocked him because I just couldn’t reply to such stupidity.  No, random dude, I wouldn’t like to have your cock anywhere near me or my mouth…ever.  You mean nothing to me.

Stella: Snapped.

I’ve never felt like this before in my life.  I’m alone, but I just want to lash out at someone… anyone.  So much anger, I can feel it in my blood.

Fuck you for not listening to me.

I want… need… someone to hate.

“It’s like during our entire fucking relationship, you were in love with someone else.”

I drunkenly reached out to him.  HIM.  At my sister’s wedding.  And used the best man to help me forget.  Drunk Stella, desperate Stella… broken Stella.

“Let’s dance a little…”

It’s pathetic really.  In case you’re wondering, he didn’t reply because he can’t.  I blocked him as soon as I realized what I’d done.

I’m just so angry.  All the time.  Angry that I moved farther into the frozen tundra, for nothing!  Angry that I have any negative feelings at all… because, why!?  Stella with her perfectly boring job and her perfectly mediocre apartment has no reason to complain.

I get myself into these ridiculous situations and then get pissed when I don’t know how to navigate them.  Boo fucking hoo.  I’m so angry, but I don’t even feel sorry for myself half the time.

Emotional Abuse IS Abuse

I always wish I knew that sooner:  Emotional abuse is abuse.

A selection of quotes from my now ex-boyfriend:

“Would you rather I hit you?”

You have like six fucking personalities.”

“I don’t care about your past, it’s not my problem.”

“Now I understand why men hit women.”

“You deserved to be raped, cheated on, fucked over…”

“This is all your fault.”

“You’re just trying to make my life miserable.”

He never once took responsibility for anything.  He got dehydrated at work?  My fault, I didn’t put his water bottle in the dishwasher.  He lost his job?  My fault, I was making life at home too stressful.  His truck broke down?  My fault, my fault, my fault…. somehow, always.

I never considered it to be abuse, until he threatened to drive his truck off a bridge… with both of us in it.

Double Standard

Living with your ex boyfriend is awkward and shitty.

Listening to your ex boyfriend tell you that you “better not bring any fucking guys back to the apartment” is just fantastic.

So interestingly enough he just brought a girl home…no warning. Nothing.  I guess that rule only applies to me.  So I told him that since I paid the entire deposit and the deposits for both cats, the apartment is mine and he is free to leave.

The Best Man.

I know I’m starved for human touch and it’s worse when I’ve got a little captain in me…I do now.  Captain and Cuervo.

I know it wasn’t okay for me to dance with him like that…not in front of his girl, not in front of anyone.  It’s not like I initiated it but..God…I just want someone to touch me.

Or, maybe I just want someone to look at me like he did.

Sometimes Stella can’t help herself. Sometimes Stella just does as she pleases…sometimes she forgets how much she can hurt other people.