Feeling better

Yesterday was rough.  It’s better now but I still feel a little off.  To be honest, I’ve just overwhelmed with life.  Being in the hospital threw me off and stuck me with so many bills I can’t afford.  It’s okay I guess.  Somewhere along the line I have to understand my life is more valuable than money… that infection could have killed me.  I know that.  But why don’t I believe It?

I have Sir and I am thankful.  To be quite honest, I worried very much that my rash words would be enough to drive him away.  I just had so many feelings… so many anxieties and fears and they all came tumbling out in a series of poorly thought out text messages.

I spent the last 30 minutes writing “I am a good slave because Master tells me so” over and over again.  Even now I’m trying to repeat those words in my head, to make them stick.  I want to trust him and part of me absolutely does.  But part of me is still a terrified little girl.

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Jinx

There are days, like today, that I struggle for no reason.  I feel anxious and frustrated and just a little bit hopeless. Nothing happened. I woke up and went to work and came home.  A normal day but I feel so far from normal.

I’m not overly satisfied with my life at present and sometimes it seems like Sir is the only good thing I have.  To the point where I worry that talking about him too much on here, or even with my own friends, will jinx it.  I really could go on and on about him, he is constantly on my mind.

I trust him.  I trust him more than I’ve trusted anyone else but my anxiety does not.  It takes my rational thoughts and twists them into all the things that hurt. Every day is a constant struggle to not give in….

 

Feeling like failure

I woke up feeling off today but I just brushed it off and chalked it up to a poor night’s sleep.  It didn’t improve by the time I got to work and to make matters entirely worse, there wasn’t anything to do.  Mid month is always slow in the finance department (mine, at least) and so I just had to sit there with my thoughts and stare at my email.

Sir sent me a message and tasked me with having two orgasms before I got home for the evening.  Not a terribly difficult task, but trying to cum anywhere that isn’t my home has always been a challenge.  I tried to at least knock one out at work, but the bathrooms always have so many people in them.  I couldn’t relax.  Sir suggested a Starbucks because I guess they have single person bathrooms.  I wouldn’t know, I don’t go there but there is one between work and home so that would work.  One in the Starbucks bathroom and one in my own parking lot, like last time.

Alone in my thoughts, they kept drifting off into memories that made me want to cry.  I tried to distract myself… even my coworkers tried to help me.  I didn’t say anything, but they could tell I wasn’t acting like myself.  We are very close.  I was anxious about Sir’s task too, but I thought if I could just get into the bathroom, it would be fine.

I got as far as the parking lot and then I froze, like a curtain closed over my mind.  It’s been a long time since I’ve had such a severe panic attack.  I couldn’t even breathe… I sat there for awhile but my instinct is to run, to disappear.  I got myself into my garage at least without running away… and then I just sat there and let the emotions go.

Earlier, I read a blog post talking about the worth of a submissive and how it is based on how well they can meet their Dominant’s needs.  So, there I was falling apart in the Starbucks parking lot and feeling like I failed.  I still can’t shake that blog post.  I wish I’d never read it.  I tried, I really, really did.  Why do such simple things cause me the worst anxiety?  It would be nice if I could just wake up one morning and not feel anxious.

I have never felt more like I don’t deserve someone like Sir than I do this evening.

 

Figuring out my life

This post really has nothing to do with submissive or kink anything.  Just a life post.  This whole last week has been a struggle.  Up until yesterday afternoon, I was miserable and I couldn’t put my finger on it.  Recently, I’ve been of the belief that you choose your happiness.  Barring major, uncontrollable events and medical conditions, it really is our choice.

Almost all of yesterday evening, I sat at my desk and compiled a plan.  I listed the top three things that stress me out the most: 1. Finances 2. Health and 3. Anxiety issues.  Then I just went to town and figured shit out.

1. Financial stress

Honestly, my finances aren’t terrible.  I have a good credit score and can afford to pay my bills, I just have a lot of student loan debt (and a little credit card debt from making bad choices in my super early 20s) and I would like to accelerate getting that paid off, especially the credit card crap.

I made a Mint account – it helps compile all your asset/debts/etc in one place and makes it super easy to budget.  I haven’t set a final budget yet, but I did make a commitment to setting a certain amount aside each month for savings and as extra payments toward debts.  Once I hit that savings goal, that cash will go towards debt too.

I even set up an Excel spreadsheet to track my progress in a more detailed manner.  The tunnel is long and dark on this one, but there is a light at the end.

2. Health

This should probably have been number one, but… at this point, they equally stress me out.  In January, I did a no-sugar (not even fruit) and super low carb 21 day diet with my coworkers.  During that period, I had never felt healthier. My mental health was better, my skin glowed, and even my vision seemed sharper.  Not to mention, I lost 16 pounds in 21 days without starving myself and doing only very light exercise.

I am going to return to a less extreme version of that.  This time, I’ll be eating fruit in limited quantities (it is nature’s candy, after all) but mostly focusing on protein and vegetables.  Bread, pasta, etc are all out.  Because I am in no position to be wasting food, I’ll continue to eat what I already have, in moderation, and then replace it with healthier options instead.

Today, I visited the grocery store and bought a bunch of healthy snack options for work.  That is where I struggle the most.  I love eating veggies (I got carrots and celery this week) with guacamole or homemade salsa (sugar free!).  I also rely heavily on almonds and sunflower seeds.  Going back to salads for lunch and lean proteins for dinner.

And then my least favorite part – exercise!  Don’t get me wrong, I love to be active.  However, dedicated exercise is such a bore!  I’ll be happy if I can do something for 30-60 minutes 3 times per week.

3. Anxiety issues

This one is difficult since I can’t afford the counseling that would make it so much easier.  The only option I see here is to try to take deep breaths and relax.  Perhaps I will start writing specific things down when I notice that they trigger my anxiety and figure out ways to counteract them.

The other two were so easy to map out.  Fingers crossed that achieving goals in the first two categories will help to ease some of the anxiety.

Another thing that might help?  Learning to be honest about how I feel and learning when to say enough is enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You want honesty?

The past few weeks have been a struggle.  Between my anxiety and depression being at some of the highest levels ever and trying to meet the expectations I have set for myself, I am exhausted.  I have not been myself and it’s been more obvious than ever lately.  I cry a lot.  And I mean, A LOT.  As in, I had to stop typing this post multiple times so I could pull myself together.  It’s regret and loneliness and the most crippling sadness I have ever felt.

I have NOT had any suicidal thoughts but sometimes when I close my eyes, I wish that I could keep them closed forever.  I wish that I could rewind my life to the moment when the ground disappeared from under my feet.  I am desperately grasping out for the ledge, but the free fall continues.

At this point I am not sure where to turn.  I cannot afford (and my insurance does not cover) counseling, which is what I want. Please do not think I have not been making an effort because I have been.  I went out last night with friends and did two workouts today because I thought they might help relieve some anxiety.  The relief was temporary.

My need for attention has been a struggle, too – I don’t think I’ve set my phone down once except for when I was working out.

Today just has not been a good day.  My attempts at fixing my mistakes fell on deaf ears and I still don’t feel better.  AND, I listened to some random person tell me I am a terrible person because of my political views.  So, that was awesome.

This is what happens when I let people into my life.  They destroy me and I, stupidly, let them.