Negotiations, rules, & contracts. Oh my!

Hellloooo!

That scene makes me laugh out loud every single time. ❤  Also, it has literally zero things to do with this blog post.

The actual point of this blog post is to complete the next prompt that I received in my e-mail from Loving BDSM (you can see previous writing prompts here). This one is about contracts and negotiations.  I added rules to the title because I’m going to touch on that a little too!

“People read the word “negotiation” and imagine some sort of back and forth thing around a table in a formal way.  It can be that, sure, but mostly it’s just the conversation you have to figure out what kind of D/s relationship you want for yourself.  Submissives have the right to, and should, ask why a rule/task/ritual is being put in place and both sides should have the freedom to disagree, suggest other things, and make sure their needs are being met.

Negotiations aren’t a one time thing either.  You’ll come back to this over and over again in your relationship.  Will you have a contract?  Do you need a checklist?  What exactly does a negotiation sound like?”

Well, right off the bat, I will tell you that Sir and I do NOT have a contract and we probably never will.  To me, they are a bit unnecessary.  I honestly mean no offense to anyone who has a contract as part of their D/s, but it isn’t for me.  We haven’t gone through any type of checklist either.

Do we negotiate?  Of course.  I actually had to discuss this with Sir a little because from our relationship thus far it has seemed like negotiation was never really a thing.  Oh, but it was and definitely is a thing!  If I am uncomfortable with something, I tell him and, thus, we negotiate.  It’s basically a constant negotiation.

Back to the contracts, this doesn’t mean I don’t have rules, tasks, etc.  I do and I keep a list of them on my phone.  Instead of signing my name to something, I just agree that I am going to follow these rules and accept any consequences for breaking them.  So perhaps it is more contract-ish that I though.  However, contract or not, the option to walk away is always there.  Not that I’m about to exercise that option.  I am still a very smitten kitten.  ❤ ❤ ❤

Keep an eye out for Sir’s answer to this prompt, I’m sure it’ll be along soon 😉

Also, because I’m now in the habit of adding soundtracks to my posts (literally just songs that have nothing to do with anything and happened to be playing as I typed…).

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And then the light switched on…

I had a serious revelation this afternoon.

It was a slow day at work and so I was exchanging a few messages with a Dom I had met on Collarspace a few days ago.  We were talking about punishment (and I don’t mean the fun kind).  I know not every D/s dynamic has a punishment element, but mine always have.  It makes me feel better to know there is someone that is going to hold me accountable.

My first thought was, “I need to make sure this guy isn’t a total psycho” so I asked him a very carefully selected question:  What goes through your mind when you are punishing your submissive?

To be totally honest, I was expecting an answer that would prove to me he was indeed insane.  He sent a paragraph long reply but the first sentence, and basic idea of the entire paragraph, was: “I think about her trust in me.”

It’s like a light bulb suddenly lit in my head.  I have had two bad D/s experiences and zero good ones so I was projecting that onto him.  Instead of starting from scratch, giving him a clean slate, I gave him the broken one that the others had left me with.  I was trying to find a reason to stop talking to him even though he had given no indication that he was a threat.

I haven’t found a Dom, not because there aren’t any good ones out there but because I have put them all into the same category: bad.  I haven’t given any of them a chance to prove themselves.

Lesson of the day:  There are crazy Doms out there, but there ARE good ones too.  It’s time to have a little more faith and a little more trust.

stella