Negotiations, rules, & contracts. Oh my!

Hellloooo!

That scene makes me laugh out loud every single time. ❤  Also, it has literally zero things to do with this blog post.

The actual point of this blog post is to complete the next prompt that I received in my e-mail from Loving BDSM (you can see previous writing prompts here). This one is about contracts and negotiations.  I added rules to the title because I’m going to touch on that a little too!

“People read the word “negotiation” and imagine some sort of back and forth thing around a table in a formal way.  It can be that, sure, but mostly it’s just the conversation you have to figure out what kind of D/s relationship you want for yourself.  Submissives have the right to, and should, ask why a rule/task/ritual is being put in place and both sides should have the freedom to disagree, suggest other things, and make sure their needs are being met.

Negotiations aren’t a one time thing either.  You’ll come back to this over and over again in your relationship.  Will you have a contract?  Do you need a checklist?  What exactly does a negotiation sound like?”

Well, right off the bat, I will tell you that Sir and I do NOT have a contract and we probably never will.  To me, they are a bit unnecessary.  I honestly mean no offense to anyone who has a contract as part of their D/s, but it isn’t for me.  We haven’t gone through any type of checklist either.

Do we negotiate?  Of course.  I actually had to discuss this with Sir a little because from our relationship thus far it has seemed like negotiation was never really a thing.  Oh, but it was and definitely is a thing!  If I am uncomfortable with something, I tell him and, thus, we negotiate.  It’s basically a constant negotiation.

Back to the contracts, this doesn’t mean I don’t have rules, tasks, etc.  I do and I keep a list of them on my phone.  Instead of signing my name to something, I just agree that I am going to follow these rules and accept any consequences for breaking them.  So perhaps it is more contract-ish that I though.  However, contract or not, the option to walk away is always there.  Not that I’m about to exercise that option.  I am still a very smitten kitten.  ❤ ❤ ❤

Keep an eye out for Sir’s answer to this prompt, I’m sure it’ll be along soon 😉

Also, because I’m now in the habit of adding soundtracks to my posts (literally just songs that have nothing to do with anything and happened to be playing as I typed…).

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And then the light switched on…

I had a serious revelation this afternoon.

It was a slow day at work and so I was exchanging a few messages with a Dom I had met on Collarspace a few days ago.  We were talking about punishment (and I don’t mean the fun kind).  I know not every D/s dynamic has a punishment element, but it has always been an interesting topic to discuss.

My first thought was, “I need to make sure this guy isn’t a total psycho” so I asked him a very carefully selected question:  What goes through your mind when you are punishing your submissive?

To be totally honest, I was expecting an answer that would prove to me he was indeed insane.  He sent a paragraph long reply but the first sentence, and basic idea of the entire paragraph, was: “I think about her trust in me.”

It’s like a light bulb suddenly lit in my head. Instead of starting from scratch, giving him a clean slate, I gave him the broken one that the others had left me with.  I was trying to find a reason to stop talking to him even though he had given no indication that he was a threat.

I haven’t found a Dom, not because there aren’t any good ones out there but because I have put them all into the same category: bad.  I haven’t given any of them a chance to prove themselves.

Lesson of the day:  There are crazy Doms out there, but there ARE good ones too.  It’s time to have a little more faith and a little more trust.

stella