What does Dominance mean to you? – Sir’s perspective

So in case it was not clear we are newlywed gaming this. I don’t know her answers nor she mine.

What does dominance in a relationship mean to your? 

It means to be a leader and to be in control. It means you have responsibility for more than just yourself. It means that someone is counting on you. Ironically it also means to be in service, because as surely as those you lead are in service to you, you are in service to them as well.

What traits will a Dominant have?

Attention to detail, willingness to communicate, willingness to teach, patience, willingness to learn, understanding. At the end of the day BDSM is a relationship, different than others more structured, and the Dom needs to be able to be a good partner as well as leader.

How should a Dominant behave?

As if his sub is the most important person in his world. A Dom should be be calm, willing to listen, be stability in chaos. A Dom should keep his word for good or bad, which means being strict at times. A Dom should also laugh with his sub, share in jokes with her. A Dom should act as his sub’s partner and rock in all ways.

Stella the slave girl.. and other ramblings

I apologize in advance because I think this post is going to be a bit all over the place.  There has been so much happening in my life and in my mind, as usual.

First thing’s first, that subject line.  I think I’ve probably mentioned, maybe more than once, that I am a submissive. Period.  Well, a few weeks ago Sir tasked me with writing a report on the differences between submissives and slaves.  Turns out, the differences are almost entirely subjective… and I ended up questioning my submissive status.  A lot.  At this point, I consider myself to be Sir’s slave (even though not everyone might agree that is the correct title) because he very much owns every piece of me.  It’s evolving though and I think it always will.

The word ‘slave’ is still difficult for me, there are so many negative connotations in my mind.  I guess that I’m too used to the power tripping douchebags on Collarspace, so, when I think of ‘slave’, I think of a bruised doormat.  I know that isn’t true and there are plenty of those in the Master/slave lifestyle that aren’t abusive or abused in the least.  I know that, but it’s going to take some time for this negative imagine to completely leave my head. Instead, it’s the idea of giving myself up to him completely that I adore.  To have that deep connection and trust Sir so much that I would hand over my entire being to him… that’s what I want, what I need.

Sir makes me feel all warm and melty inside.  I have never been an overly mushy person, but I am now.  Last night he told me that he had been reading articles about submissives with depression (I suffer from occasional streaks) so that he could have a better idea of how to support me when it happens.  I never doubt that he cares about me.  Sometimes my anxiety makes it difficult because there is always a little voice in the back of my mind saying otherwise.

I’m not going to pretend there aren’t moments where I don’t actually question him. Usually I just keep it to myself because sometimes the feeling just goes away.  For example, one of our current rules involves an exercise schedule and even though it is propelling me towards my own goals, I sometimes wonder if he has ulterior motives.  Maybe he really doesn’t think I look good, maybe he would be ashamed to be seen with me.  I don’t believe that’s the case because I’ve sent him some photos I’ve thought were truly appalling.. and he hasn’t run away. LOL.  But, there is always that little voice in the back of my head trying to convince me I’m not good enough. I’ve never told him that, but he reads this blog and I’m supposed to write as if he isn’t… so he’ll know now!

A few night’s ago I had a dream that I was upset with Sir (because he brought another submissive home, which is one of my most important hard limits.  I don’t share.  Ever.) and I was being such a bit of a bitch.  He told me to go wait for him in another room.  I said no and sunk down on the floor, like a child.  He grabbed my arm and tried to pull me up, and just as I was beginning to feel guilty… he twisted into a demon.  Black eyes, twisted face.  I woke up.

Google says that demons in dreams can represent a dangerous person in your life.  It does make sense, Sir is dangerous to me.  Not because I think he’s ever going to hurt me, but because he has the power to hurt me.  He has the power to shatter me but I want that.  I want him to have that power because I trust him not to use it.

 

 

Sunday

It’s been an interesting day.  This morning Sir tasked me with having an orgasm every hour for the entire day.  I’ve had six so far and it has been AMAZING.  Also, it’s easier said than done!  An hour is not that much time so I have to be careful not to miss one by getting overly distracted by my own activities.  Each one gets just a little more difficult, my body has a looooong reset period.  All in all, not a bad way to spend a Sunday.

I’m feeling very good today – very inspired and very motivated.  I’ve been working out regularly again.  It helps that Sir has made it a rule.  Everyday I do either Turbo Jam or yoga, sometimes both.  I can get through it easier when I tell myself I’m doing it for him.  Even though, it’s mostly pertains to my own goals and is for my own benefit.  It’s a good routine, at some point I’d like to take pole dance classes but until I improve my strength and flexibility (and my financial situation!) it isn’t an option.

In general, I have been being less of a lazy-head and making more time for my own goals.  I started a gaming channel on YouTube and, eventually, I am going to start livestreaming on Twitch.  I’m pretty obsessed with The Sims.  Unfortunately, since this blog is anonymous, I cannot share very much about that part of my life.

I’m finally starting to make myself a priority and that’s a good thing.  I always forced myself to take the back-burner to others.

Well, time for yet another orgasm. 😉

 

 

 

Errands.

I left work at noon today because I needed to run some errands.  In other words, I needed to stand in line at the DMV.  It’s about a 10 minute drive so Sir gave me a call.  I thought I might burst into flames as he described all the deliciously dirty things he wanted to do.

It always shocks me how easily the words ‘Yes Sir’ come out of my mouth with him.  It was always such a struggle in the past but I just want to please him. He has definitely brought out that submissive girl I was trying so hard to push away.  I couldn’t be happier.

Not going to lie, I’m kind of a smitten kitten.  If you looked closely, you could probably see real stars in my eyes.

Of all 30 people waiting in line at the DMV, I’m pretty certain I was the only one with a smile on my face…and dirty thoughts in my mind.  😉

A bunch of thoughts

The last week or so feels like it has just flown past – a whirlwind, basically.  A good one though.  A very good one.  I used to struggle so much with my submission.  For a long, LONG time I blamed it for all the pain I was feeling.  I tried to banish it from my life and I felt empty.  I still wonder why I am the way I am and that might never change.  However, I am finally accepting it as part of me.

There is a small piece of me that still doesn’t trust it, I feel like this might be a dream and I’m going to wake up at any moment.  Wake up and feel that familiar disappointment.  I’m trying hard to relax and trust.  I do NOT want to project the past on to someone who absolutely does not deserve it.  This feels a lot different.

I think of Doms, a term I use loosely in this case, I have had in the past and now I can see exactly what the problem was.  They were never truly dominant with me (with exception to Jason), I was always the one calling the shots.  Every single time.  They didn’t set expectations, rules… they didn’t communicate.  Of course it didn’t work, there was too much power struggle.  I hate the power struggle. Not to say I don’t enjoy a struggle once in awhile though! 😉  Don’t misunderstand, I’m not complaining… the past is the past for a reason.

I really can’t wait to see how everything plays out.  This really does feel a lot different from everything in the past, but there are so many ‘what-ifs’ and I am pretty much the queen of over-thinking.

A healing submissive

So you may or may not have noticed that my blog’s tagline has changed.  Sir pointed out this afternoon that I am not a broken submissive, but a healing one.  He’s right of course, so I’m fixing it.

I feel a bit like a giddy teenager – I haven’t thought of much else besides him for the past few days.  I was so SO close to giving up on ever finding a Dom and, to be completely honest, I had basically stopped looking.  This all still scares me a little bit though – I do not normally get attached THIS quickly.

The biggest issue thus far is that I want to do too much too soon.  It makes me really sad when my anxiety/fear from past experiences gets in the way of submitting to and serving Sir in the way that I would like.  It makes me feel like I am not a good submissive – even though I know that isn’t really true.  It’s that little voice in the back of my head that keeps saying ‘you’re not good enough, you’re always going to fail.’  It’s just a sad side effect of the past and it’ll go away with time.  It’ll go away as I learned to more fully trust him.

The distance makes me nervous too.  You know? Like, what if this continues to progress?  At this point, I’m only going to get more attached.  We discussed it a teeny bit today and it did make me feel better.  I don’t think this is something I need to worry about right this second though – we can cross that bridge later.

There have been so many good ‘signs’ so far.  Out of all the Doms I have ever shared this blog with (it’s really only been a few), he is the ONLY one who actually read it and who seems to be genuinely interested in it.  He is also the only Dom who hasn’t gotten impatient with me when my anxiety or panic starts to set in.  He doesn’t let me off the hook – but, he helps me.. talks to me.. makes me feel like an actual human being instead of just somewhere to stick his cock.

It’s refreshing and even though I feel anxious opening myself to be this vulnerable (because I honestly fear being broken again), I think this is good.  I think Sir is good – he sees and appreciates that I’m truly making an effort and that I really, really do want to please him.

 

A sliver of hope

I am sorry that this is just a jumble of words… Collarspace might have finally paid off for me.  Months and months (years, really) of talking to Doms nowhere near what I was looking for or needed… maybe I struck gold.  It’s only been a few days and there is some distance involved, I cannot read the future, but I have high hopes and am very optimistic.

I met someone.  A Dom.  Which is highly interesting considering I had basically given up.  I think we have a lot in common though – both kinky and vanilla.  I enjoy talking to him, he actually listens to me.  He didn’t just start trying to be a Dom in the first message… we just talked.

And then he asked me to address him as Sir…

A little background before I go into my next tangent – I am picky about who I use titles, like Sir, with.  Like, REALLY picky.  I basically shoot down any Dom who asks, but it feels right to call him Sir.  It doesn’t feel forced, just feels right.

Last night though, the Dom did come out… though, I feel like there’s definitely more than what I experienced last night.  It felt like he was giving commands, but he really wasn’t… when I looked back on the conversation he was asking… not telling.  His words were more than enough to make me cum… felt sooooooo amazing.  It has been a long time since I’ve done anything like that.  The submissive in me is finally awakening.

I don’t know if it was the post-orgasm rush of hormones or what, but I just felt panicky… my heart was racing, I was shaking, and I felt like crying.  And I was honest with him about it.  Does anyone else get teary after orgasm, or is that just me!?  He said a lot of things that really resonated with me, helped quiet my anxiety and fear.  For the first time, out of all the Doms I have talked to in MONTHS,  I actually felt like he cared about me as a person and not just a piece of meat to fuck.  He didn’t seem frustrated at my panic and it made me feel better.

And, today, more orders outside my comfort zone.  Originally he had asked to find a place to cum at work but I work for a HUGE company and there is not one place (I don’t have an office, I have an open cube) that I could do that without getting caught… so it turned into cum somewhere between work and home.

I ended up in my apartment’s parking lot, by this point pretty damn turned on.  I don’t have toys (I really don’t) so.. pretty ferociously using my fingers.  In broad daylight, by the way.  It felt good though…

But, yes, I’m scared.  I’m terrified.  To put myself out there, allow myself to submit to him means that I am opening myself up to get hurt.  As I have mentioned so many times on this blog, I absolutely cannot be submissive without getting attached.  In this case, I got attached very quickly which is even more scary.  My gut instinct is telling me to go for it.  It’s okay to be cautious, it’s okay to feel a little afraid, but if I let me fear take over.. I am going to regret it.

I don’t know what’s going to happen… but I’m going to let this play out.