And the bunny falls for the Wolf

I think I mentioned in one of my last posts that I was going to write about my first experience with a vibrator… and I decided I want to keep that moment between myself and B.  That doesn’t mean future experiences aren’t up for discussion in other posts. 😉

I have so many feelings I can hardly keep them inside.  I always feel like bursting into a bunch of starry-eyed little pieces.  It is constantly a shock to me that there are not little pink hearts radiating like steam from my ears.  I am such a smitten little creature, and I can’t get enough.

Unfortunately, I have been sick this week.  An infection in my ear (NOT an ear infection) has knocked the energy out of me.  Luckily, the antibiotics have helped and I am almost back at 100%.  I’m just thankful I did not have to go to the hospital or get IV drugs again.  B has been so patient with me, taking care of me as best as he can even though he is not physically with me.

These are the times when I know he truly deserves my submission (and trust) and the moments when I want to give him all the little pieces that no one else has ever earned.  I know he cares about me… and I know he won’t give up on me when times are less than perfect.

It has been tough though, especially as I continue to get better.  I am beginning to get restless – I want to play with my Wolf… my sex toy collection has blossomed (considering it was at a grand total of ZERO) since we met and for the last week it has been untouched.  I’m not complaining, I was truly in no shape to be playing this last week, but now that I’m getting better my inner slut is coming out again.

As an aside, you may start seeing me refer to B as my Wolf in future posts, my Wolf and His bunny.

wolf and bunny

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Seeing stars

Oh goodness… I have so much to write and in this case, I could go on forever but I shall try to condense it a little and also not get too braggy.  But, hey, I can’t help it.  I’m excited!

A few months ago, I re-activated my Collarspace profile and after the same few months of one disappointment after another I felt like giving up.  I was not about to settle for anything less than perfection this time (and let’s face it, finding a gem on CS is rare).  It occurred to me that perhaps my perfect Dom did not exist.  But, then I got a message from B and now here I am… excited, optimistic, starry-eyed, head over heels, weak-knees and all.  So far he has been nothing less than perfect and I cannot get enough.

I have never met a Dom that I have had so much in common with, kinky and vanilla.  I could talk to him forever (we routinely have hours long phone conversations, like five hours long!) and I never want to fall asleep at night.  He pushes me out of my comfort zone (stick around for a story about my first experiences with a vibrator another day) but never pushes past what I can handle.

Of course, there is still a bit of nervousness and apprehension.  There is some distance involved, but I have no doubt that it will work itself out as we progress.  Not to mention, these feelings came up awfully quickly.  But, I am a huge believer in, when you know… you know.  My intuition has never steered me wrong (except when I fail to listen to it) and I am trusting my gut in this situation.  I have given B my submission because I believe he truly deserves it, there is no question.

There is now a part of me that wants to delete all my old posts on this blog regarding past hurt and bad experiences – just because all I care about right now is my future with B.  I do not want negativity in this blog.  I want real and honest (because I know no relationship is rainbows and unicorns 100% of the time), but it needs to be in the here and now.  The weight of the past has finally been lifted from my shoulders and I never want to open that door again.

What does Dominance mean to you? – Sir’s perspective

So in case it was not clear we are newlywed gaming this. I don’t know her answers nor she mine.

What does dominance in a relationship mean to your? 

It means to be a leader and to be in control. It means you have responsibility for more than just yourself. It means that someone is counting on you. Ironically it also means to be in service, because as surely as those you lead are in service to you, you are in service to them as well.

What traits will a Dominant have?

Attention to detail, willingness to communicate, willingness to teach, patience, willingness to learn, understanding. At the end of the day BDSM is a relationship, different than others more structured, and the Dom needs to be able to be a good partner as well as leader.

How should a Dominant behave?

As if his sub is the most important person in his world. A Dom should be be calm, willing to listen, be stability in chaos. A Dom should keep his word for good or bad, which means being strict at times. A Dom should also laugh with his sub, share in jokes with her. A Dom should act as his sub’s partner and rock in all ways.

Stella the slave girl.. and other ramblings

I apologize in advance because I think this post is going to be a bit all over the place.  There has been so much happening in my life and in my mind, as usual.

First thing’s first, that subject line.  I think I’ve probably mentioned, maybe more than once, that I am a submissive. Period.  Well, a few weeks ago Sir tasked me with writing a report on the differences between submissives and slaves.  Turns out, the differences are almost entirely subjective… and I ended up questioning my submissive status.  A lot.  At this point, I consider myself to be Sir’s slave (even though not everyone might agree that is the correct title) because he very much owns every piece of me.  It’s evolving though and I think it always will.

The word ‘slave’ is still difficult for me, there are so many negative connotations in my mind.  I guess that I’m too used to the power tripping douchebags on Collarspace, so, when I think of ‘slave’, I think of a bruised doormat.  I know that isn’t true and there are plenty of those in the Master/slave lifestyle that aren’t abusive or abused in the least.  I know that, but it’s going to take some time for this negative imagine to completely leave my head. Instead, it’s the idea of giving myself up to him completely that I adore.  To have that deep connection and trust Sir so much that I would hand over my entire being to him… that’s what I want, what I need.

Sir makes me feel all warm and melty inside.  I have never been an overly mushy person, but I am now.  Last night he told me that he had been reading articles about submissives with depression (I suffer from occasional streaks) so that he could have a better idea of how to support me when it happens.  I never doubt that he cares about me.  Sometimes my anxiety makes it difficult because there is always a little voice in the back of my mind saying otherwise.

I’m not going to pretend there aren’t moments where I don’t actually question him. Usually I just keep it to myself because sometimes the feeling just goes away.  For example, one of our current rules involves an exercise schedule and even though it is propelling me towards my own goals, I sometimes wonder if he has ulterior motives.  Maybe he really doesn’t think I look good, maybe he would be ashamed to be seen with me.  I don’t believe that’s the case because I’ve sent him some photos I’ve thought were truly appalling.. and he hasn’t run away. LOL.  But, there is always that little voice in the back of my head trying to convince me I’m not good enough. I’ve never told him that, but he reads this blog and I’m supposed to write as if he isn’t… so he’ll know now!

A few night’s ago I had a dream that I was upset with Sir (because he brought another submissive home, which is one of my most important hard limits.  I don’t share.  Ever.) and I was being such a bit of a bitch.  He told me to go wait for him in another room.  I said no and sunk down on the floor, like a child.  He grabbed my arm and tried to pull me up, and just as I was beginning to feel guilty… he twisted into a demon.  Black eyes, twisted face.  I woke up.

Google says that demons in dreams can represent a dangerous person in your life.  It does make sense, Sir is dangerous to me.  Not because I think he’s ever going to hurt me, but because he has the power to hurt me.  He has the power to shatter me but I want that.  I want him to have that power because I trust him not to use it.

 

 

Sunday

It’s been an interesting day.  This morning Sir tasked me with having an orgasm every hour for the entire day.  I’ve had six so far and it has been AMAZING.  Also, it’s easier said than done!  An hour is not that much time so I have to be careful not to miss one by getting overly distracted by my own activities.  Each one gets just a little more difficult, my body has a looooong reset period.  All in all, not a bad way to spend a Sunday.

I’m feeling very good today – very inspired and very motivated.  I’ve been working out regularly again.  It helps that Sir has made it a rule.  Everyday I do either Turbo Jam or yoga, sometimes both.  I can get through it easier when I tell myself I’m doing it for him.  Even though, it’s mostly pertains to my own goals and is for my own benefit.  It’s a good routine, at some point I’d like to take pole dance classes but until I improve my strength and flexibility (and my financial situation!) it isn’t an option.

In general, I have been being less of a lazy-head and making more time for my own goals.  I started a gaming channel on YouTube and, eventually, I am going to start livestreaming on Twitch.  I’m pretty obsessed with The Sims.  Unfortunately, since this blog is anonymous, I cannot share very much about that part of my life.

I’m finally starting to make myself a priority and that’s a good thing.  I always forced myself to take the back-burner to others.

Well, time for yet another orgasm. 😉

 

 

 

Errands.

I left work at noon today because I needed to run some errands.  In other words, I needed to stand in line at the DMV.  It’s about a 10 minute drive so Sir gave me a call.  I thought I might burst into flames as he described all the deliciously dirty things he wanted to do.

It always shocks me how easily the words ‘Yes Sir’ come out of my mouth with him.  It was always such a struggle in the past but I just want to please him. He has definitely brought out that submissive girl I was trying so hard to push away.  I couldn’t be happier.

Not going to lie, I’m kind of a smitten kitten.  If you looked closely, you could probably see real stars in my eyes.

Of all 30 people waiting in line at the DMV, I’m pretty certain I was the only one with a smile on my face…and dirty thoughts in my mind.  😉

A bunch of thoughts

The last week or so feels like it has just flown past – a whirlwind, basically.  A good one though.  A very good one.  I used to struggle so much with my submission.  For a long, LONG time I blamed it for all the pain I was feeling.  I tried to banish it from my life and I felt empty.  I still wonder why I am the way I am and that might never change.  However, I am finally accepting it as part of me.

There is a small piece of me that still doesn’t trust it, I feel like this might be a dream and I’m going to wake up at any moment.  Wake up and feel that familiar disappointment.  I’m trying hard to relax and trust.  I do NOT want to project the past on to someone who absolutely does not deserve it.  This feels a lot different.

I think of Doms, a term I use loosely in this case, I have had in the past and now I can see exactly what the problem was.  They were never truly dominant with me (with exception to Jason), I was always the one calling the shots.  Every single time.  They didn’t set expectations,… they didn’t communicate.  Of course it didn’t work, there was too much power struggle.  I hate the power struggle. Not to say I don’t enjoy a struggle once in awhile though! 😉  Don’t misunderstand, I’m not complaining… the past is the past for a reason.

I really can’t wait to see how everything plays out.  This really does feel a lot different from everything in the past, but there are so many ‘what-ifs’ and I am pretty much the queen of over-thinking.