I am sorry that this is just a jumble of words… Collarspace might have finally paid off for me. Months and months (years, really) of talking to Doms nowhere near what I was looking for or needed… maybe I struck gold. It’s only been a few days and there is some distance involved, I cannot read the future, but I have high hopes and am very optimistic.
I met someone. A Dom. Which is highly interesting considering I had basically given up. I think we have a lot in common though – both kinky and vanilla. I enjoy talking to him, he actually listens to me. He didn’t just start trying to be a Dom in the first message… we just talked.
And then he asked me to address him as Sir…
A little background before I go into my next tangent – I am picky about who I use titles, like Sir, with. Like, REALLY picky. I basically shoot down any Dom who asks, but it feels right to call him Sir. It doesn’t feel forced, just feels right.
Last night though, the Dom did come out… though, I feel like there’s definitely more than what I experienced last night. It felt like he was giving commands, but he really wasn’t… when I looked back on the conversation he was asking… not telling. His words were more than enough to make me cum… felt sooooooo amazing. It has been a long time since I’ve done anything like that. The submissive in me is finally awakening.
I don’t know if it was the post-orgasm rush of hormones or what, but I just felt panicky… my heart was racing, I was shaking, and I felt like crying. And I was honest with him about it. Does anyone else get teary after orgasm, or is that just me!? He said a lot of things that really resonated with me, helped quiet my anxiety and fear. For the first time, out of all the Doms I have talked to in MONTHS, I actually felt like he cared about me as a person and not just a piece of meat to fuck. He didn’t seem frustrated at my panic and it made me feel better.
And, today, more orders outside my comfort zone. Originally he had asked to find a place to cum at work but I work for a HUGE company and there is not one place (I don’t have an office, I have an open cube) that I could do that without getting caught… so it turned into cum somewhere between work and home.
I ended up in my apartment’s parking lot, by this point pretty damn turned on. I don’t have toys (I really don’t) so.. pretty ferociously using my fingers. In broad daylight, by the way. It felt good though…
But, yes, I’m scared. I’m terrified. To put myself out there, allow myself to submit to him means that I am opening myself up to get hurt. As I have mentioned so many times on this blog, I absolutely cannot be submissive without getting attached. In this case, I got attached very quickly which is even more scary. My gut instinct is telling me to go for it. It’s okay to be cautious, it’s okay to feel a little afraid, but if I let me fear take over.. I am going to regret it.
I don’t know what’s going to happen… but I’m going to let this play out.