Negotiations, rules, & contracts. Oh my!

Hellloooo!

That scene makes me laugh out loud every single time. ❤  Also, it has literally zero things to do with this blog post.

The actual point of this blog post is to complete the next prompt that I received in my e-mail from Loving BDSM (you can see previous writing prompts here). This one is about contracts and negotiations.  I added rules to the title because I’m going to touch on that a little too!

“People read the word “negotiation” and imagine some sort of back and forth thing around a table in a formal way.  It can be that, sure, but mostly it’s just the conversation you have to figure out what kind of D/s relationship you want for yourself.  Submissives have the right to, and should, ask why a rule/task/ritual is being put in place and both sides should have the freedom to disagree, suggest other things, and make sure their needs are being met.

Negotiations aren’t a one time thing either.  You’ll come back to this over and over again in your relationship.  Will you have a contract?  Do you need a checklist?  What exactly does a negotiation sound like?”

Well, right off the bat, I will tell you that Sir and I do NOT have a contract and we probably never will.  To me, they are a bit unnecessary.  I honestly mean no offense to anyone who has a contract as part of their D/s, but it isn’t for me.  We haven’t gone through any type of checklist either.

Do we negotiate?  Of course.  I actually had to discuss this with Sir a little because from our relationship thus far it has seemed like negotiation was never really a thing.  Oh, but it was and definitely is a thing!  If I am uncomfortable with something, I tell him and, thus, we negotiate.  It’s basically a constant negotiation.

Back to the contracts, this doesn’t mean I don’t have rules, tasks, etc.  I do and I keep a list of them on my phone.  Instead of signing my name to something, I just agree that I am going to follow these rules and accept any consequences for breaking them.  So perhaps it is more contract-ish that I though.  However, contract or not, the option to walk away is always there.  Not that I’m about to exercise that option.  I am still a very smitten kitten.  ❤ ❤ ❤

Keep an eye out for Sir’s answer to this prompt, I’m sure it’ll be along soon 😉

Also, because I’m now in the habit of adding soundtracks to my posts (literally just songs that have nothing to do with anything and happened to be playing as I typed…).

What Does Submission Mean To You?

Does a submissive have certain behaviors? Do submissives do specific tasks?

No behaviors/tasks are set by the Dom. Some subs share certain traits; quietness, being reserved, overly apologizing, or avoiding eye contact. This is not an exhaustive list nor is it true of all subs. Stella for example kicks ass and takes names at work, literally doing the jobs of three people, yet she is also quiet and reserved. No two people are alike, so they will never have the same behaviors, and subs are people too. 😉 When it comes to tasks again no two Doms are alike and no two will want things done the same way.

Here is where I think the sub questions are off point, because subs are a diverse group. The 6’4″ guy I would not want to face in a fight can be, and some of them are, as sub as a petite 5 foot tall blonde. While not all subs share a shape/size/manner/gender, they do share one thing, a mind set. Subs want to please, they want to be of service and making their partner happy makes them happy. The degree to which they are willing to sacrifice their own happiness to me marks the difference between a sub and a slave.

When you think of a submissive and submission, what thoughts come to mind?

Service, strength, vulnerability, love, desire.

What does Dominance mean to you? – Sir’s perspective

So in case it was not clear we are newlywed gaming this. I don’t know her answers nor she mine.

What does dominance in a relationship mean to your? 

It means to be a leader and to be in control. It means you have responsibility for more than just yourself. It means that someone is counting on you. Ironically it also means to be in service, because as surely as those you lead are in service to you, you are in service to them as well.

What traits will a Dominant have?

Attention to detail, willingness to communicate, willingness to teach, patience, willingness to learn, understanding. At the end of the day BDSM is a relationship, different than others more structured, and the Dom needs to be able to be a good partner as well as leader.

How should a Dominant behave?

As if his sub is the most important person in his world. A Dom should be be calm, willing to listen, be stability in chaos. A Dom should keep his word for good or bad, which means being strict at times. A Dom should also laugh with his sub, share in jokes with her. A Dom should act as his sub’s partner and rock in all ways.

What does Dominance mean to me?

I have decided to complete the 30 Days of D/s prompts from Loving BDSM which are far more appealing to me than the 30 Days of Kink prompts I had been doing!  They seem more in-depth, like I could actually use them to write a quality post.  Also, bonus, it will not be just me answering as Sir has decided he will also answer the prompts.  He now has editing ability on this blog and will be able to post his own answers.  ❤  I think it will be fun to see perspectives from both sub and Dom.

Because I am writing to my own experiences, I will often be referring to Dominants as male and submissives as female.  That is my dynamic.  I am not intentionally leaving anyone out (I loveee everyone), but I cannot confidently write to anyone else’s experience.

Today’s prompt:

“Whether you identify as a Dominant or a submissive, you may have some picture in your mind of what kind of person is a Dominant.

What does dominance in a relationship mean to you? What traits will a Dominant have? How should a Dominant behave?”

Dominance in a relationship, for me at least, has multiple meanings and ways of manifesting.  There seems to be a stereotype (mainly propagated, I assume, by those who have no idea what is actually going on) that all Dom-types are cold, unfeeling, and harsh. They take what they want without negotiation, ignore limits, and are generally terrible people.  Of course, you and I both know this is far from accurate.

This is what it means to me:  It means that I trust Sir so much that I am willing to allow him to own every little piece of me.  It means that I know he has my best interests at heart and he may not always give me what I want, but I know he will give me what I need.  I know he will not harm me.  And, sometimes, it means grabbing me by the hair and fucking the life out of me.  It means a lot of things.

I look for the following traits in a Dominant, some serious and some not so serious.  I probably forgot a few.

  1. Not flaky.  Sets rules and follows through, even if discipline is necessary.
  2. Good at spanking. 😉  The fun kind, not the punishment kind I hate.
  3. Patient.
  4. Willing to see the humor in life.  Why so serious? 
  5. Likes cats.
  6. GOOD COMMUNICATOR.  This is like the most important thing ever.
  7. Likes nerdy things.
  8. Smells good.  (No one wants stinky cuddles)
  9. Understands that he is human and might make mistakes sometimes.
  10. Loves me.

My list comes from a place of needing an actual relationship with my D/s.  I am not a casual girl by any means.  Without that strong connection, I cannot submit.

How should a Dominant behave?  Perhaps this might be easier if I tell you how a Dominant should absolutely not behave by using my own past experiences.

  1. A Dominant should NOT ignore your limits just because he “lost his mind for a minute.”  If he cannot control himself, how will he control someone else?
  2. A Dominant should NOT approach a random submissive he has never spoken to in his life and demand that she immediately submit to him.  That’s creepy.
  3. He should NOT be unwilling to talk about feelings, yours or his.  I mean, unless this is part of your agreement, but I cannot imagine why it would be.
  4. He should absolutely, never ever treat a submissive like she is inferior to him.  This excludes humiliation/degradation/etc that is part of a scene.  Just because someone is submissive does NOT mean doormat.  I am not trying to be cocky here, but I cannot tell you how many Domly Doms tried to show up my intelligence and failed miserably.

Of course this is not everything but I think the moral of the story here is that Dominants do not get a pass on being a decent human simply because they are Dominant.  No one does.  Hence, they should behave like decent people.  Luckily, there are plenty of good ones out there if you are patient enough.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, let me know in the comments and stayed tuned because Sir will post his answer to this same question soon!

30 Days of Kink Day 2: My Kinks

Day 2 of 30 Days of Kink (find Day 1 here) is: List your kinks.  Sir told me I have to go more in-depth than just listing them so, here we go.

1. Spanking

I couldn’t even begin to tell you when I became interested in spanking or even what triggered the interest.  I do, however, remember that sometimes Ken spanked Barbie.  I have no idea where I would have learned anything like that as I was never spanked as a child.  Then, sometime around age 12, I stumbled across a website about domestic discipline.  I became a little obsessed with the idea…

I kept it a secret until I met my first Dom, Jason.  I’ve talked about him here before.  He wasn’t very good at spanking for play, but he did give me a pretty good one as a punishment once.  My first experience with the belt and it was well deserved, I promise. It was the first and last time a punishment of his was consensual, before the drinking problem and before the world slipped out from under my feet….

After that, I met a Dom who was basically solely into spanking.  He gave me some pretty good bruises but that is literally all I wanted from him.  I just needed to forget Jason and his little leather paddle with the star shaped cutouts did the trick, even if it was just temporarily.  I led him on and I will always feel a little bit guilty.

I have no idea what excites me so much.  Perhaps its the whole pleasure/pain dynamic or maybe its the feeling of surrendering to another person, trusting them to not damage me beyond repair.  I don’t have a high pain tolerance at all, but I enjoy challenging myself to see how much I can take.

2. Bondage

I’m not shocked that I grew up to be interested in bondage.  I always had this strange desire to be tied up.  Sometimes when I was pretty young, myself and some of the other kids in the neighborhood would tie each other up.  Besides that, I haven’t had much experience here either except with Jason which I’m sure is a huge shock.

I had a pirate wench costume that had these long pieces that were supposed to tie around the sleeves to add detail but Jason used them to keep hands tied behind my back. Otherwise, I’ve been tied, spread-eagle, to the bed a few times by a guy I was seeing.. until I found out he was married.

It’s the feeling of being out of control that I love so much.  I love feeling helpless, I love not being able to move, and I love being at someone else’s mercy.  Add a blindfold, and maybe a gag, and I’ll be a damn puddle at your feet.  Tied down and spanked.  Tied down and fucked.  So, so good. 😉 Also, orgasms feel so much stronger to me when I am completely immobile.

3. Orgasm Denial 

I have never been very good at this one, but I love it for whatever reason.  My intense need to please comes in here, I think.  I actually get pretty upset if I cum when I haven’t been given permission and it happens a lot because I really can’t control it, especially when someone else is touching me.  It just happens.

I played for a few months with a Dom who tried to help me by using my hatred of the wooden spoon against me.  It actually did help a little because I would do pretty much anything to avoid that fucking spoon.

4. Anal play/plugs/etc

I like anal play because it makes me feel submissive.  I have only one experience with actual anal sex, but I have plenty of experience with the plug.  I only have a small one, but it has been well used.

The same Dom from above, the one who liked to use the wooden spoon, was also the Dom who bought me my first plug.  I’ll never ever forget the first time he made me bend over the couch so he could slide it in me, like an instant feeling of submissiveness.  It still has that same effect, a little bit like a kinky pacifier.  Sometimes it’s all that’s needed to cure this girl of a bratty attitude.

 

5. Consensual Non-consent

I have fantasies about being abducted, I admit it.  By someone I trust, of course.  I am not interested in doing anything at all with a stranger.  It’s that feeling of being out of control and at someone else’s mercy again.  The idea drives me crazy.  You know, being snuck up on, taken, brought to some random location (or not so random, whatever).. tied up… clothes ripped off.. fucked.  I can pretend to struggle but actually be enjoying every last second.

No experience with this at all though, for now it lives purely in my fantasies.

 

This was difficult for me to write.  I don’t know why.  I am not used to being open about my kinks.. and I feel like this is still a far cry from ‘open’.

30 Days of Kink: Day 1 – My Kinky Self

Lately I have been searching for writing prompts for this blog.  This blog is supposed to be about my experiences as a submissive woman, but I so rarely talk about anything directly related to D/s, BDSM, or kink.  That is about to change – I want (need..) to learn to be more open.

I found 30 days worth of kink related questions via a google search (I’ll link it here so it can be traced back to its origin).  To be truthful, this will probably take me longer than 30 days.  I do not intend on writing every single day unless the inspiration happens to strike.

If you are aware of any other writing prompts related to D/s, BDSM, etc, please let me know!

So, let us begin:

Day 1 –  Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting, in-depth definition of what that means to you.  Define your kinky self for us.

Well, I think the first part of this question is fairly obvious.  Submissive Stella is indeed a submissive.  😉  But, do not misunderstand, I am not a doormat.  I am only submissive for one person.  I am not afraid to stand my ground when necessary, especially at work or within my social circles.

Defining my kinky self is difficult – I could tell you how much I like to be spanked or tied up or fucked but that really only scratches the surface, right?  In my world, kink is about a lot more than just sex.  Kink and submission is part of who I am so perhaps if I just define myself, that will be the answer.

Stella.  28. Taurus.  Lives somewhere on a windy plain that sometimes turns into a frozen tundra.  Likes cats, margaritas, The Office, heavy metal (also, Taylor Swift. Don’t judge.), and sarcastic humor.

Submissive.  Enjoys spankings (except the punishment kind) and cuddles.  100% monogamous.  Kind of confused about life.  Intuitive but also analytical.  Cautious. Girly girl.

You know.. for some reason this is triggering emotions that I don’t feel like feeling right now.  I’m going to wrap it up and I’ll come back with Day 2 soon!

Ring of fire

This week has been far better than my previous weeks.  Most notably, I do not burst into random tears at random times throughout the day and night.  I am almost back to my usual smitten kitten, daydreamy, heart-eyed self.Emoji

Running away was not my best idea.  Not even in the realm of a good idea, BUT I learned some things:

  1. I am a submissive and it does not matter whether you or anyone else agrees with me. I know I am, and that’s that.  On that same note, I must stop comparing myself to other submissives.
  2. I did not confuse lust and love.  I missed Sir more during that week than I have ever missed anyone or anything in my entire life, so much so that it was physically painful. (You know, like… it burns, burns, burns… the ring of fire)  That is not lust.
  3. I need to trust.  Sir has beyond proven that he deserves that trust.   All of the times he could have given up on me and he did not.

I think I have been trying harder lately – to be a better submissive and a better person in general.  I did not just wake up one day and decide to be submissive, I have known since I was a teenager.  Running away and giving up seemed like the easiest option at the time and it absolutely was not.  Not at all.