Broken collars & sadness

I posted this on StormyFoxx.com as well, but thought I would double post some of my posts for awhile as things get started:

My collar broke this morning.  The chain crumbled in my hands as I tried to put it on for the day.  It put a damper on my Monday morning, as if Mondays weren’t bad enough.  I wanted to burst into tears and crawl back into bed.  All day I kept trying to touch it, as I often do when I’m anxious or frustrated at work, but it wasn’t there.  I felt… lost and strangely vulnerable.

I’ve been feeling off all day.  Not just because of the collar (also, life in general) but that has been a contributing factor.  It makes it more difficult when I cannot confide in my friends.  I can tell them I’m sad that I broke my necklace, but they don’t know (and likely never will) what it symbolizes.  To them, it is just a piece of jewelry.

Wolf and I are long-distance, that damn necklace is the one tangible thing I have with me all day everyday that links me to Him.  I realize that it’s a material object and doesn’t affect my relationship or dynamic with Him, but there is a ton of meaning packed into the delicate little necklace.  I could buy a new one, an exact replica, but it isn’t THAT one.

It’s laying on the bathroom counter now.  I can’t decide what to do with it. I tend to work myself into a frenzy over these things, because everything means something, right?  My mind spins out of control.

Am I being dramatic?  I don’t know. Probably.  I just want it back.

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Shower time!

Long distance is difficult… and sometimes (I mean, always) requires a little creativity.  So this morning I expressed a wish that B could join me in the shower… and He found a way to make it happen. Then I found myself in the shower with my vibrator and B on speaker phone just outside the curtain.

It was fun talking with Him while I washed my hair and then, after a quick interruption by a rogue smoke alarm, the fun started.  So, I closed my eyes and listened to His words and imagined His hands all over me and that my vibrator was Him sliding in and out.  I just can’t get enough, even over the phone he makes me cum so hard.

I have never met a Dom like B before – he is every single thing I have been looking for, for soooo long.  He is also the first Dom I have EVER wanted to give myself to completely.  In the past, I have held pieces of me back… but B gets everything.  He deserves everything and every day he proves that more and more.

And the bunny falls for the Wolf

I think I mentioned in one of my last posts that I was going to write about my first experience with a vibrator… and I decided I want to keep that moment between myself and B.  That doesn’t mean future experiences aren’t up for discussion in other posts. 😉

I have so many feelings I can hardly keep them inside.  I always feel like bursting into a bunch of starry-eyed little pieces.  It is constantly a shock to me that there are not little pink hearts radiating like steam from my ears.  I am such a smitten little creature, and I can’t get enough.

Unfortunately, I have been sick this week.  An infection in my ear (NOT an ear infection) has knocked the energy out of me.  Luckily, the antibiotics have helped and I am almost back at 100%.  I’m just thankful I did not have to go to the hospital or get IV drugs again.  B has been so patient with me, taking care of me as best as he can even though he is not physically with me.

These are the times when I know he truly deserves my submission (and trust) and the moments when I want to give him all the little pieces that no one else has ever earned.  I know he cares about me… and I know he won’t give up on me when times are less than perfect.

It has been tough though, especially as I continue to get better.  I am beginning to get restless – I want to play with my Wolf… my sex toy collection has blossomed (considering it was at a grand total of ZERO) since we met and for the last week it has been untouched.  I’m not complaining, I was truly in no shape to be playing this last week, but now that I’m getting better my inner slut is coming out again.

As an aside, you may start seeing me refer to B as my Wolf in future posts, my Wolf and His bunny.

wolf and bunny

Desperation

I thought I’d share a little more of the piece I’ve been working on.  See the first teaser here.

He made quick work of unlocking the door and pulled me inside after him. The door was barely closed before he had me up against it, pulling my dress down to expose my bare breasts, teasing my hardened nipples between his fingers.

“No bra either?” he growled. I could feel his arousal against my thigh and I began to grind against him.  Any inhibitions I may have had at the bar were gone now. 

He pulled away from me, “Patience, my needy little slut.”

A desperate moan escaped my lips and I reached out to pull him back but he stepped out of reach.

“Go upstairs. I will follow in a few minutes and when I do I better find you face down ass up on my bed. Lose the dress too.”

I obeyed and moved toward the stairs, no hesitation.

“Oh and Callista?” he called after me, a dangerous tone in his voice. “You do not want to find out what happens to girls who don’t do as they’re told.”

This is what happened

I mentioned a few posts ago that things have changed regarding the status of my relationship and that I was absolutely not going to talk about it.  Just kidding, I’m going to talk about my relationship because this is a D/s blog and I want to use it for it’s intended purpose.

First let me tell you something – submission is hard for me.  Not because I don’t want it or because my heart isn’t in it, but because I am always afraid of being hurt.  For a long time after the disaster that was my first real love, I truly believed that I was not cut out for this life regardless of how badly I desired it.

Let us rewind to a month ago, almost to the day.  I began to second guess myself and what I wanted in this lifestyle.  I was also feeling needy.  I just wanted attention and, being long distance for now, it isn’t always available when I need it.  As much as I love the idea, it isn’t realistic (or healthy) to be in constant contact 100% of the time.

I’m not going to take all the blame here, there were some communication issues on both sides but I was not fair.  I wanted him to make me stay.  Long story short, a lot of accusations got thrown out about how his feelings are dependent on many different factors.  They aren’t, but I made myself believe that they were.  I ran away.  Again.

Then I self-destructed, which some people may have read about on this blog before I hid those posts.

I expected him to have finally given up on me, but he didn’t.  He was still there, willing to try again.  Being without him hurt me so much that I promised I would try harder, show him exactly how much I wanted, and needed, to belong to him.  And, I do… I do so much.  I have renewed my resolve to follow his rules and to learn to give into my submission and this time it feels better.  It doesn’t feel so forced, it feels natural… it feels like exactly what I needed.

There are still hurdles to climb.  I need him to open up to me more and he is trying, I can tell.  I need to learn to be more patient, to remember to take deep breaths, and to stop second guessing him.  He has shown me over and over again that he worthy of my trust and submission and it’s my turn to prove to him that I am worthy of all the patience and love he has given me.

The below song is fitting, in a lot of ways.  Also, RIP to one of the most influential artists in my life and one of the driving forces behind my treble clef tattoo.

Negotiations, rules, & contracts. Oh my!

Hellloooo!

That scene makes me laugh out loud every single time. ❤  Also, it has literally zero things to do with this blog post.

The actual point of this blog post is to complete the next prompt that I received in my e-mail from Loving BDSM (you can see previous writing prompts here). This one is about contracts and negotiations.  I added rules to the title because I’m going to touch on that a little too!

“People read the word “negotiation” and imagine some sort of back and forth thing around a table in a formal way.  It can be that, sure, but mostly it’s just the conversation you have to figure out what kind of D/s relationship you want for yourself.  Submissives have the right to, and should, ask why a rule/task/ritual is being put in place and both sides should have the freedom to disagree, suggest other things, and make sure their needs are being met.

Negotiations aren’t a one time thing either.  You’ll come back to this over and over again in your relationship.  Will you have a contract?  Do you need a checklist?  What exactly does a negotiation sound like?”

Well, right off the bat, I will tell you that Sir and I do NOT have a contract and we probably never will.  To me, they are a bit unnecessary.  I honestly mean no offense to anyone who has a contract as part of their D/s, but it isn’t for me.  We haven’t gone through any type of checklist either.

Do we negotiate?  Of course.  I actually had to discuss this with Sir a little because from our relationship thus far it has seemed like negotiation was never really a thing.  Oh, but it was and definitely is a thing!  If I am uncomfortable with something, I tell him and, thus, we negotiate.  It’s basically a constant negotiation.

Back to the contracts, this doesn’t mean I don’t have rules, tasks, etc.  I do and I keep a list of them on my phone.  Instead of signing my name to something, I just agree that I am going to follow these rules and accept any consequences for breaking them.  So perhaps it is more contract-ish that I though.  However, contract or not, the option to walk away is always there.  Not that I’m about to exercise that option.  I am still a very smitten kitten.  ❤ ❤ ❤

Keep an eye out for Sir’s answer to this prompt, I’m sure it’ll be along soon 😉

Also, because I’m now in the habit of adding soundtracks to my posts (literally just songs that have nothing to do with anything and happened to be playing as I typed…).

What Does Submission Mean To You?

Does a submissive have certain behaviors? Do submissives do specific tasks?

No behaviors/tasks are set by the Dom. Some subs share certain traits; quietness, being reserved, overly apologizing, or avoiding eye contact. This is not an exhaustive list nor is it true of all subs. Stella for example kicks ass and takes names at work, literally doing the jobs of three people, yet she is also quiet and reserved. No two people are alike, so they will never have the same behaviors, and subs are people too. 😉 When it comes to tasks again no two Doms are alike and no two will want things done the same way.

Here is where I think the sub questions are off point, because subs are a diverse group. The 6’4″ guy I would not want to face in a fight can be, and some of them are, as sub as a petite 5 foot tall blonde. While not all subs share a shape/size/manner/gender, they do share one thing, a mind set. Subs want to please, they want to be of service and making their partner happy makes them happy. The degree to which they are willing to sacrifice their own happiness to me marks the difference between a sub and a slave.

When you think of a submissive and submission, what thoughts come to mind?

Service, strength, vulnerability, love, desire.