Negotiations, rules, & contracts. Oh my!

Hellloooo!

That scene makes me laugh out loud every single time. ❤  Also, it has literally zero things to do with this blog post.

The actual point of this blog post is to complete the next prompt that I received in my e-mail from Loving BDSM (you can see previous writing prompts here). This one is about contracts and negotiations.  I added rules to the title because I’m going to touch on that a little too!

“People read the word “negotiation” and imagine some sort of back and forth thing around a table in a formal way.  It can be that, sure, but mostly it’s just the conversation you have to figure out what kind of D/s relationship you want for yourself.  Submissives have the right to, and should, ask why a rule/task/ritual is being put in place and both sides should have the freedom to disagree, suggest other things, and make sure their needs are being met.

Negotiations aren’t a one time thing either.  You’ll come back to this over and over again in your relationship.  Will you have a contract?  Do you need a checklist?  What exactly does a negotiation sound like?”

Well, right off the bat, I will tell you that Sir and I do NOT have a contract and we probably never will.  To me, they are a bit unnecessary.  I honestly mean no offense to anyone who has a contract as part of their D/s, but it isn’t for me.  We haven’t gone through any type of checklist either.

Do we negotiate?  Of course.  I actually had to discuss this with Sir a little because from our relationship thus far it has seemed like negotiation was never really a thing.  Oh, but it was and definitely is a thing!  If I am uncomfortable with something, I tell him and, thus, we negotiate.  It’s basically a constant negotiation.

Back to the contracts, this doesn’t mean I don’t have rules, tasks, etc.  I do and I keep a list of them on my phone.  Instead of signing my name to something, I just agree that I am going to follow these rules and accept any consequences for breaking them.  So perhaps it is more contract-ish that I though.  However, contract or not, the option to walk away is always there.  Not that I’m about to exercise that option.  I am still a very smitten kitten.  ❤ ❤ ❤

Keep an eye out for Sir’s answer to this prompt, I’m sure it’ll be along soon 😉

Also, because I’m now in the habit of adding soundtracks to my posts (literally just songs that have nothing to do with anything and happened to be playing as I typed…).

My thoughts on titles/labels

Today’s writing prompt (from Loving BDSM) is about titles and labels.  You can find previous answers to these writing prompts here.

“Beyond the basic title of Dominant or submissive, are there other titles you prefer or are interested in exploring?  Are there any that turn you off or don’t seem like a good fit for you?

Some titles for Dominants may be Master, Sir, Daddy, Mistress, Lady, etc. Titles for submissives can be pet, babygirl, little one, boy, girl, etc.

To be completely honest, I have never EVER cared for nicknames or any type of title/label other than my own name.  Stella is an alias that I use for this specific blog, otherwise I prefer when people use my actual name.  That said, it’s a little different when it comes to my little D/s world.

Sir calls me a few different things: my love or my slave, for example.  Outside of this blog, I actually refer to him as Master.  Sometimes it gets a little more toward the degradation side of things with titles such as ‘slut’ or ‘fuckhole.’  I enjoy that in moderation.  I have a nasty little habit of internalizing things like that – heavy degradation or humiliation is damaging to me.

There are names that turn me off.  I hate the word ‘cunt’ when specifically directed at a person no matter the context.  HATE it. Being referred to as an animal, specifically a farm animal would also be an absolute no-no.  That would actually probably make me cry. LOL.  Kitten is probably the only acceptable animal, because kittens are fuzzy and warm and cute unlike other animals that are fat and stinky and make gross grunting noises.

And, on that note, I am ending this post. 😉  If you have thoughts, let me know in the comments!  Keep an eye out for Sir’s response to this same prompt!

What does submission mean to you?

The next writing prompt in the 30 Days of D/s is about submission and what it means. Considering that I am indeed a submissive, I hope this will be easy… but, I’m willing to bet it won’t be. 😉

As I mentioned previously, Sir will also be answering this prompt, and all the others, so keep an eye out for that!  You can see previous answers from both myself and Sir, here.

Does a submissive have certain behaviors?  Do submissives do specific tasks? When you think of a submissive and submission, what thoughts come to mind?

So, does a submissive have certain behaviors?  Yes and for the most part, they probably are similar across the board.  Obviously, there will be variances as we were not all created by the same cookie cutter.  I will list a few behaviors of mine that I consider to be submissive behaviors, some obvious and some maybe not so much.  This is absolutely not an exhaustive list and you may not agree.

  1. I am obedient to Sir’s wishes.  This does not mean I am a doormat.
  2. I try my best to be open minded/flexible when it comes to things that might make me a little uncomfortable, but are not necessarily hard limits.
  3. Sir is on my mind 99.9% of the time but I do not let it interfere in my career, friendships, etc..   That said, he is my priority.  Balance is the key.
  4. I am open with him about my likes/dislikes, fears, goals, feelings and anything else you can imagine.
  5. I work to understand that needs/wants are two extremely different things.  I put our needs at equal importance, but I will always put his wants before mine.

The re-occurring theme here is that submissive does not equal weak.  Submission, in my opinion, shows extreme strength.  It isn’t easy to submit to another and give them that kind of power over you.  It certainly is not for everyone.  I crave and need it more than almost anything, but it is still a struggle to give up control sometimes.

While many submissive behaviors might be similar from one submissive to another, their tasks may not be.  I cannot say that submissives have specific tasks.  I only say this because I assume their tasks are set by their Dom and I cannot imagine each and every Dom wants the same thing.

I don’t have a ton but here are is an example or two of tasks from my D/s relationship:  I edge every single day and sometimes more often per Sir’s request.  On the occasion that I am allowed to orgasm, I always record it (we are long distance at the moment, if you did not know.).

When I think of submissives and submission, I think of the following things: freedom (yes, really.  Perhaps I can expand on this later.), trust, deep connections, kink & sex, love, obedience, communication, learning, discipline, rules, strength….  The list goes on and on.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this same prompt – feel free to leave it in the comments!

What does Dominance mean to me?

I have decided to complete the 30 Days of D/s prompts from Loving BDSM which are far more appealing to me than the 30 Days of Kink prompts I had been doing!  They seem more in-depth, like I could actually use them to write a quality post.  Also, bonus, it will not be just me answering as Sir has decided he will also answer the prompts.  He now has editing ability on this blog and will be able to post his own answers.  ❤  I think it will be fun to see perspectives from both sub and Dom.

Because I am writing to my own experiences, I will often be referring to Dominants as male and submissives as female.  That is my dynamic.  I am not intentionally leaving anyone out (I loveee everyone), but I cannot confidently write to anyone else’s experience.

Today’s prompt:

“Whether you identify as a Dominant or a submissive, you may have some picture in your mind of what kind of person is a Dominant.

What does dominance in a relationship mean to you? What traits will a Dominant have? How should a Dominant behave?”

Dominance in a relationship, for me at least, has multiple meanings and ways of manifesting.  There seems to be a stereotype (mainly propagated, I assume, by those who have no idea what is actually going on) that all Dom-types are cold, unfeeling, and harsh. They take what they want without negotiation, ignore limits, and are generally terrible people.  Of course, you and I both know this is far from accurate.

This is what it means to me:  It means that I trust Sir so much that I am willing to allow him to own every little piece of me.  It means that I know he has my best interests at heart and he may not always give me what I want, but I know he will give me what I need.  I know he will not harm me.  And, sometimes, it means grabbing me by the hair and fucking the life out of me.  It means a lot of things.

I look for the following traits in a Dominant, some serious and some not so serious.  I probably forgot a few.

  1. Not flaky.  Sets rules and follows through, even if discipline is necessary.
  2. Good at spanking. 😉  The fun kind, not the punishment kind I hate.
  3. Patient.
  4. Willing to see the humor in life.  Why so serious? 
  5. Likes cats.
  6. GOOD COMMUNICATOR.  This is like the most important thing ever.
  7. Likes nerdy things.
  8. Smells good.  (No one wants stinky cuddles)
  9. Understands that he is human and might make mistakes sometimes.
  10. Loves me.

My list comes from a place of needing an actual relationship with my D/s.  I am not a casual girl by any means.  Without that strong connection, I cannot submit.

How should a Dominant behave?  Perhaps this might be easier if I tell you how a Dominant should absolutely not behave by using my own past experiences.

  1. A Dominant should NOT ignore your limits just because he “lost his mind for a minute.”  If he cannot control himself, how will he control someone else?
  2. A Dominant should NOT approach a random submissive he has never spoken to in his life and demand that she immediately submit to him.  That’s creepy.
  3. He should NOT be unwilling to talk about feelings, yours or his.  I mean, unless this is part of your agreement, but I cannot imagine why it would be.
  4. He should absolutely, never ever treat a submissive like she is inferior to him.  This excludes humiliation/degradation/etc that is part of a scene.  Just because someone is submissive does NOT mean doormat.  I am not trying to be cocky here, but I cannot tell you how many Domly Doms tried to show up my intelligence and failed miserably.

Of course this is not everything but I think the moral of the story here is that Dominants do not get a pass on being a decent human simply because they are Dominant.  No one does.  Hence, they should behave like decent people.  Luckily, there are plenty of good ones out there if you are patient enough.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, let me know in the comments and stayed tuned because Sir will post his answer to this same question soon!

30 Days of Kink Days 21-30

And, finally we are at the last ten 30 Days of Kink writing prompts.  I’m not sure why but they did not keep my attention like I thought they would.  Enjoy the last 10!

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

I don’t have one.  I have only read 50 Shades which is a far cry from being a good example of a BDSM relationship.

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Communication and trust, just like a vanilla relationship.  The difference is I feel that the levels of communication and trust need to be much higher, this is coming from experience in both types of relationships.

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

I think I am always, always evolving within this lifestyle.  Since starting to explore this lifestyle, I believe I have become more accepting of other people’s interests, etc regardless of how I feel about them.

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

Oh man, where to start!?

First and foremost, someone who accepts me as ME and doesn’t feel the need to change every little thing.  Someone who understands that I also have opinions and a brain and that I am far from a doormat.  Someone who follows through on the things they say.  For example, Sir is the first Dom I have had that actually set rules and followed through with consequences when said rules were broken.

Patience and a sarcastic sense of humor is also helpful.

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

I do not share them lightly.  This blog is anonymous for a reason.  Sir is the only person in my life at this moment who has any idea.  I am not ashamed of my kinks or of being submissive, but if this got out to the wrong person it could have some major consequences.

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

I think if it’s your cup of tea, then go for it.  Personally, 100% online play is not for me and I was always a little wary of people on Collarspace or FetLife that only wanted online play.

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

I still very much keep my vanilla and kinky interests separate.  Of course, you could consider writing a non-kink activity that is now a somewhat kinky activity.

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM? What significance does your attire have to you?

I do not have a specific way to dress.  Leather, and anything typically attributed to BDSM, kind of annoys me.  I don’t mean any offense if you’re into that, it just isn’t for me. I don’t enjoy being shoved into a box of stereotypes.

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title?  What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

Submissive?  I’m not really sure what to put here.

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

This set of writing prompts was meant to help me open up about my life as a submissive, given that I rarely write about such things on this blog.  I do plan to be more open in the future.  I have been receiving the 30 Days of D/s writing prompts in my e-mail for the last few weeks from Loving BDSM and I’ll be working on those next.

 

Yes, they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness

I realize I quite literally just posted on this blog, but I had more words stuck in my head.

This weekend I had the chance to see Billy Joel in concert in Minneapolis.  It was pretty amazing.  I can tell you that 35,000 people singing a long to Piano Man was probably one of the most amazing experiences of my entire life.  I feel comfortable telling you this and not blowing my anonymity for a few reasons:

  1. I do not live anywhere even close to Minneapolis and I do not live in Minnesota at all.
  2. There were 35,000 other people at the show.
  3. If you really wanted to figure out my personal information, you could.  This is the internet after all.

Anyway, the show was amazing.  He brought out Axl Rose for a few songs at which point I started sobbing and emitting high pitched noises. Yup, I fangirled all over the place. My dad listened to a lot of Guns N Roses, AC/DC, etc while I was growing up.  Music, notably rock music, has always been such a huge part of my life.

Yes, the concert was amazing (not quite as awesome as when I saw Fleetwood Mac, but close!) but I felt so alone.  Even with all those people, it just felt so empty.  I was surrounded by couples enjoying time together and I was jealous.

I have Sir and I love him more than I can even put into words, but we are long-distance. It bothers me, I admit that it does and I have admitted it before.  I am not used to long-distance and I will tell you that it is absolutely not ideal.  There is always this fear in the back of mind that it will never be anything but long-distance and that isn’t what I want in the long run.  It’s probably my anxiety making me overthink, but what if it isn’t…?

 

30 Days of Kink Days 11-20

Thought I would sit down and type out a few more answers to the 30 Days of Kink questions, as I mentioned in my last post I was getting a little sick of them so I bunched a few together to get through them faster.

I am not feeling mentally well this afternoon, unfortunately so I’m hoping these answers are sufficient.

You can find these prompts here.

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

I believe as long as you’re being safe and everything is consensual, then its all good.  Being into BDSM and kink do not make someone unethical, being a shitty person does and they come in all varieties.

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had.  If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

I do not recall any specific humorous experiences I have had, but my favorites moments are the ones where humor can easily be injected.  I cannot stand scenes that are overly serious.  Sex is supposed to be fun, high protocol situations make me anxious and cause me to withdraw.

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you?  Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

I am drawn to the power exchange simply because I love feeling powerless.  I don’t think further explanation is needed.

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?  If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink, how do you think it might differ?

In my world, fantasies tend to be pretty unrealistic and everything always goes smoothly.  That is definitely not the case in real life.

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try?

Sensory deprivation. Maybe.

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

The most difficult aspect for me is trying to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with me.

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

That submissive women are setting feminism back a million years.  I am submissive and a feminist.  It is my choice to make. It seems like the stereotypical submissive is typecast as unintelligent and weak.

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what?

When people try to include oblivious strangers into their kink – example, I worked at Lane Bryant for two years while in college and we had SO many men calling in to ask inappropriate questions about panties and bras while they were clearly masturbating on the other end.  I had a few ask point-black what kind of panties I wore and whether I ever masturbated.  Obviously, we always hung up on those callers but we did not consent to being asked sexual questions and it made us feel disgusting and violated.

Sometimes I read blog posts about people doing things in front of strangers or asking them questions on purpose to get their sexual rocks off.  Maybe I’m in the minority, but I find that strange and because I have had that done to me before and can easily recognize it, it would make me extremely uncomfortable.

Doms that think all submissives must submit to them solely based on their status as a Dominant.  NOPE.  Also, Doms that have absolutely insane fantasies about locking women up in their basements and never letting them leave or see their family/friends/etc.  This door swings both ways though, believe it isn’t just Doms.

Anyone that shames another person for their preferred kinks or for not enjoying a certain kink.  I have taken SO much shit, as in told I am not a real submissive, for not being poly.  That gets old fast.  As I said under the first question, as long as you’re being safe and everything is consensual, it’s all good.  However, not everyone is obligated to enjoy your kink.  

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? Is so, what are they?

Let me list a few:

I started this blog.

I met lots of interesting people.

I met Sir.

I have been learning to accept myself.

Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about or don’t understand.

There is a lot I don’t understand, but I won’t go into here because too many people get offended when you tell them you don’t understand something they enjoy, even when you’re truly just trying to get a better understanding.