Happy Easter friends! (Or, Happy Sunday if you do not celebrate!)
Today I’ve been reflecting on the time that has passed since I met B and He changed my world in the best way possible.
For the first time (in a LONG time) I have stopped questioning my submission. I used to struggle against it, and you might see that if you read old posts. Many times I questioned whether this lifestyle was for me, even in the midst of relationships. That thought doesn’t cross my mind with B, I know this is right.
He has never tried to force my submission to Him, He let me give it to Him. He let me surrender at my own pace, so instead of pushing against Him… I gave Him everything I’ve wanted to give for so long. Every single day I choose to submit and that’s the best part. It was an easy decision.
Why? He makes me laugh A LOT, communicates freely… not once has He ever made me feel like He is hiding anything. In return, I make myself transparent to Him. He understands my anxiety and doesn’t make me feel terrible for having emotions. He challenges me intellectually and supports my goals. Every other Dom that has ever crossed my life pales in comparison.
I know that I have been gushing about Him in all my posts lately, but I can’t help it! This is the first time I have ever felt so optimistic and excited about anything, our journey together.
Long distance is difficult… and sometimes (I mean, always) requires a little creativity. So this morning I expressed a wish that B could join me in the shower… and He found a way to make it happen. Then I found myself in the shower with my vibrator and B on speaker phone just outside the curtain.
It was fun talking with Him while I washed my hair and then, after a quick interruption by a rogue smoke alarm, the fun started. So, I closed my eyes and listened to His words and imagined His hands all over me and that my vibrator was Him sliding in and out. I just can’t get enough, even over the phone he makes me cum so hard.
I have never met a Dom like B before – he is every single thing I have been looking for, for soooo long. He is also the first Dom I have EVER wanted to give myself to completely. In the past, I have held pieces of me back… but B gets everything. He deserves everything and every day he proves that more and more.
My sister visited this weekend. We have a pretty close relationship, but we are about as opposite as two sisters can be. So, as much as I enjoyed seeing her for the past few days… I am ready to be alone again. We’ll see each other again in a few months and then I will visit her sometime in the summer as I usually do. I told her a little bit about B (not the details). She always seems so wary when I start talking about men. (It was more gushing about Him than it was talking though… you know, starry eyed and all). But, I don’t think she needs to worry this time, He won’t break me… and she won’t have to pick up the pieces.
I missed my Wolf though, even if I did get to text Him throughout the day and talk to Him each night before before bed. Honestly, I’m not sure I could fall asleep without hearing His voice first… lately He has been working on some relaxation techniques with me (think hypnosis!) and it is starting to work SO well. Not to mention all the other doors to exploration this could open. Of course it helps that I have given Him my submission and my mind is always open to His suggestions. I trust Him completely.
I have been feeling so peaceful lately – perhaps because I have finally found exactly what I want/need.
I think I mentioned in one of my last posts that I was going to write about my first experience with a vibrator… and I decided I want to keep that moment between myself and B. That doesn’t mean future experiences aren’t up for discussion in other posts. 😉
I have so many feelings I can hardly keep them inside. I always feel like bursting into a bunch of starry-eyed little pieces. It is constantly a shock to me that there are not little pink hearts radiating like steam from my ears. I am such a smitten little creature, and I can’t get enough.
Unfortunately, I have been sick this week. An infection in my ear (NOT an ear infection) has knocked the energy out of me. Luckily, the antibiotics have helped and I am almost back at 100%. I’m just thankful I did not have to go to the hospital or get IV drugs again. B has been so patient with me, taking care of me as best as he can even though he is not physically with me.
These are the times when I know he truly deserves my submission (and trust) and the moments when I want to give him all the little pieces that no one else has ever earned. I know he cares about me… and I know he won’t give up on me when times are less than perfect.
It has been tough though, especially as I continue to get better. I am beginning to get restless – I want to play with my Wolf… my sex toy collection has blossomed (considering it was at a grand total of ZERO) since we met and for the last week it has been untouched. I’m not complaining, I was truly in no shape to be playing this last week, but now that I’m getting better my inner slut is coming out again.
As an aside, you may start seeing me refer to B as my Wolf in future posts, my Wolf and His bunny.
Oh goodness… I have so much to write and in this case, I could go on forever but I shall try to condense it a little and also not get too braggy. But, hey, I can’t help it. I’m excited!
A few months ago, I re-activated my Collarspace profile and after the same few months of one disappointment after another I felt like giving up. I was not about to settle for anything less than perfection this time (and let’s face it, finding a gem on CS is rare). It occurred to me that perhaps my perfect Dom did not exist. But, then I got a message from B and now here I am… excited, optimistic, starry-eyed, head over heels, weak-knees and all. So far he has been nothing less than perfect and I cannot get enough.
I have never met a Dom that I have had so much in common with, kinky and vanilla. I could talk to him forever (we routinely have hours long phone conversations, like five hours long!) and I never want to fall asleep at night. He pushes me out of my comfort zone (stick around for a story about my first experiences with a vibrator another day) but never pushes past what I can handle.
Of course, there is still a bit of nervousness and apprehension. There is some distance involved, but I have no doubt that it will work itself out as we progress. Not to mention, these feelings came up awfully quickly. But, I am a huge believer in, when you know… you know. My intuition has never steered me wrong (except when I fail to listen to it) and I am trusting my gut in this situation. I have given B my submission because I believe he truly deserves it, there is no question.
There is now a part of me that wants to delete all my old posts on this blog regarding past hurt and bad experiences – just because all I care about right now is my future with B. I do not want negativity in this blog. I want real and honest (because I know no relationship is rainbows and unicorns 100% of the time), but it needs to be in the here and now. The weight of the past has finally been lifted from my shoulders and I never want to open that door again.
I thought I’d share a little more of the piece I’ve been working on. See the first teaser here.
He made quick work of unlocking the door and pulled me inside after him. The door was barely closed before he had me up against it, pulling my dress down to expose my bare breasts, teasing my hardened nipples between his fingers.
“No bra either?” he growled. I could feel his arousal against my thigh and I began to grind against him. Any inhibitions I may have had at the bar were gone now.
He pulled away from me, “Patience, my needy little slut.”
A desperate moan escaped my lips and I reached out to pull him back but he stepped out of reach.
“Go upstairs. I will follow in a few minutes and when I do I better find you face down ass up on my bed. Lose the dress too.”
I obeyed and moved toward the stairs, no hesitation.
“Oh and Callista?” he called after me, a dangerous tone in his voice. “You do not want to find out what happens to girls who don’t do as they’re told.”
So here’s the deal on my last two weeks – my apartment got bedbugs (from a neighbor who failed to report), the state of such and such (a state I don’t actually live in anymore) informed me I owed them tax money from 2014, I got a new car, my boss got a promotion so I am trying to get his position, and I started taking a new anxiety medication. Needless to say, even though those aren’t ALL bad things and life could be a lot worse, I have been stressed. Beyond stressed.
The bed bugs are now hopefully eradicated and the tax money has been paid… but this medication has me almost constantly nauseous. It has finally eased up a bit, just to be replaced by a headache. My doctor tells me this is normal for the first few weeks, but sometimes I feel as if I would rather be anxious.
Anyway, the real point of this post is that as much as I hate to admit it, this stress has seriously impacted my submission to Sir. He is always so patient with me, but I cannot help thinking that he deserves better than that. This morning he showed me a Tumblr post that someone had written about how we don’t get to pick and choose when we’re submissive or Dominant. It requires commitment every single day.
So, that’s my current goal, or at least one of them, and one of my highest priorities. Re-focus on my submission and let it make me feel like it used to – secure and happy and free.