Here We Are

d9c4d819fc5605c8ac36c9d901a697a6

I’ve posted this quote before – I know.  I just can’t get it out of my head.

I have done a little updating on this blog and deleted some old posts.  I want to be able to talk about my past without idealizing it and without making excuses for those that hurt me.  It’s healthy to think of the past as just that, the past, but its part of me and part of my submissive journey. I want this blog to be nothing but real and honest and raw.

I want to use past Stella to peel back the layers of present Stella so I can finally let go.

stella

Advertisements

Silence.

You know what’s so frustrating?  Talking to someone for MONTHS and then they constantly (and randomly!) disappear.  I used to make up excuses for him – busy, busy, busy.  But… I’m busy, too.

This is why I am so frustrated.  I don’t know how people do this.  My very first boyfriend raped me.  The most recent vanilla ex?  He threatened to kill me.)  The messages that fill my Fetlife and Collarspace inboxes are 99% abusive, sexist filth.  When I do find someone worth talking to, they disappear in days or they’re too far away to take seriously.

Everyone keeps saying, “be patient, the right one will come.”  Are you sure?  My patience is wearing thin.

 

Lost.

I woke up this morning feeling so lost, unable to shake the feelings of pure uncertainty.  Part of me wants to run and never stop.  The other part of my just can’t seem to look away – like a gory accident.

But – this isn’t a political blog so I shall go no further.

No major updates in my submissive adventures.  I am talking with a few Doms – but, for every good Dom I speak with, there are about a million that I had to block.

It is difficult.  I’m still a little fragile from previous bad experiences, most aren’t willing to go at my pace… aren’t willing to wait that long.