I wish you would.

Feed on me
You know I’m never far

I’ve been struggling against my submissive side again.  There is a piece of me, after all the abuse, that still sees it as a weakness.  That isn’t true.  I know that.

I still think about Jason – the one who destroyed me.  He still appears in my dreams.  Let’s be clear, I am not still in love with him.  He was a narcissistic alcoholic, but he was the first one I ever felt submissive towards.  I think there is always a little piece of me that will remember.

I was that desperate little girl who would answer his angry, drunken phone calls at 3 AM just because I needed to know he was alive.  It didn’t matter that he had ended everything only a few weeks before.  My therapist told me to ignore him so I ignored her instead and let him rip me apart.

I don’t think that you see
Exactly what you’re doing to me

I have met other Doms.  However after Jason, I forced myself into the vanilla world and ended up with a man who threatened to kill me at least once a week.  Then I found Derek.  I wasn’t attracted to him but he was a Dom and we seemed to agree on a lot.  Derek wanted a slave and I am not a slave.

Derek never physically hurt me like Jason did but he tried so hard to turn me into something I did not want to be.  I wanted to submit and be a “good girl” because it had been so long.  He bought me a butt plug and a collar and forced them on to me.  As you can imagine, it too crashed.

Give me a reason to burn this house down
I wish you would

There is so much more to these two Doms, especially Jason, and in time I will expand.  The song I have inserted throughout this post popped into my Spotify playlist and it made me want to write.

But what do these mini-stories have to do with weakness?  These are the only two real-life BDSM experiences I have had (besides a two time play session I had once.  That’s another story.).  As they continue to beat down on my sense of self-worth, I began to see myself as weak.  I associated my submission with weakness when in reality I believe it shows great strength to surrender to someone like that.

Today is one of those days where I still see the weakness in the mirror.  I know that the sun is on the horizon, but it certainly doesn’t feel like it.

stella

Lyrics from the song Give Me A Reason by Three Days Grace.

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Here We Are

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I’ve posted this quote before – I know.  I just can’t get it out of my head.

I have done a little updating on this blog and deleted some old posts.  I want to be able to talk about my past without idealizing it and without making excuses for those that hurt me.  It’s healthy to think of the past as just that, the past, but its part of me and part of my submissive journey. I want this blog to be nothing but real and honest and raw.

I want to use past Stella to peel back the layers of present Stella so I can finally let go.

stella

Silence.

You know what’s so frustrating?  Talking to someone for MONTHS and then they constantly (and randomly!) disappear.  I used to make up excuses for him – busy, busy, busy.  But… I’m busy, too.

This is why I am so frustrated.  I don’t know how people do this.  I have PTSD from my first Dom and serious trust issues from my second. (Granted it isn’t just Doms that have screwed me up.  My very first boyfriend raped me.  The most recent vanilla ex?  He threatened to kill me.)  The messages that fill my Fetlife and Collarspace inboxes are 99% abusive, sexist filth.  When I do find someone worth talking to, they disappear in days or they’re too far away to take seriously.

Everyone keeps saying, “be patient, the right one will come.”  Are you sure?  My patience is wearing thin.

 

Lost.

I woke up this morning feeling so lost, unable to shake the feelings of pure uncertainty.  Part of me wants to run and never stop.  The other part of my just can’t seem to look away – like a gory accident.

But – this isn’t a political blog so I shall go no further.

No major updates in my submissive adventures.  I am talking with a few Doms – but, for every good Dom I speak with, there are about a million that I had to block.

It is difficult.  I’m still a little fragile from previous bad experiences, most aren’t willing to go at my pace… aren’t willing to wait that long.