Ohh my goodness, it’s been a LONG time since I blogged. For many reasons, but mostly because I have been super busy. Why have I been so busy, you ask? I’m moving! Cross-country.. in two weeks! Yay!
Wolf and I are still a thing and I want to be closer to Him. We aren’t moving in together because we haven’t actually met in person yet. Some might think that’s a little irresponsible, but I figure we’ve been talking long enough. Sometimes you just KNOW. Also, if He was going to murder me He’s been awfully patient. 😉 A patient murderer is somehow better than an impatient murderer. LOL
So, anyway, I have a brand new apartment lease signed for September 1. It’s way nicer than my current apartment – has a washer/dryer and fireplace in unit, plus the complex has a pool and fitness center. I have NONE of those things where I am now.
My job, well, all I can say is that I am beyond looking forward to a new beginning. I hate my job here.
My two cats are coming with, that’ll be an adventure for sure. The vet prescribed Xanax for the terrible traveler. I hope it works, 1400 miles of screaming cat sounds terrible. I’m hoping to let them ‘roam’ the backseat while we drive. I got them both harnesses and leashes and I figure I can anchor them to the seat belts so they can move around but also keep them from sneaking into the front.
Wolf is driving with me. He’s flying here and we’re going together. It makes me feel better.
I’m terrified (but, like, in a good way) for all this change. My biggest anxieties are all based on my own insecurities… what if He doesn’t like me? What if He doesn’t find me attractive? What if I’m too fat…? Jesus, it never freaking ends in my head. Wolf knows what I look like, I just can’t stop myself from being insane.
Happy Easter friends! (Or, Happy Sunday if you do not celebrate!)
Today I’ve been reflecting on the time that has passed since I met B and He changed my world in the best way possible.
For the first time (in a LONG time) I have stopped questioning my submission. I used to struggle against it, and you might see that if you read old posts. Many times I questioned whether this lifestyle was for me, even in the midst of relationships. That thought doesn’t cross my mind with B, I know this is right.
He has never tried to force my submission to Him, He let me give it to Him. He let me surrender at my own pace, so instead of pushing against Him… I gave Him everything I’ve wanted to give for so long. Every single day I choose to submit and that’s the best part. It was an easy decision.
Why? He makes me laugh A LOT, communicates freely… not once has He ever made me feel like He is hiding anything. In return, I make myself transparent to Him. He understands my anxiety and doesn’t make me feel terrible for having emotions. He challenges me intellectually and supports my goals. Every other Dom that has ever crossed my life pales in comparison.
I know that I have been gushing about Him in all my posts lately, but I can’t help it! This is the first time I have ever felt so optimistic and excited about anything, our journey together.
Long distance is difficult… and sometimes (I mean, always) requires a little creativity. So this morning I expressed a wish that B could join me in the shower… and He found a way to make it happen. Then I found myself in the shower with my vibrator and B on speaker phone just outside the curtain.
It was fun talking with Him while I washed my hair and then, after a quick interruption by a rogue smoke alarm, the fun started. So, I closed my eyes and listened to His words and imagined His hands all over me and that my vibrator was Him sliding in and out. I just can’t get enough, even over the phone he makes me cum so hard.
I have never met a Dom like B before – he is every single thing I have been looking for, for soooo long. He is also the first Dom I have EVER wanted to give myself to completely. In the past, I have held pieces of me back… but B gets everything. He deserves everything and every day he proves that more and more.
Oh goodness… I have so much to write and in this case, I could go on forever but I shall try to condense it a little and also not get too braggy. But, hey, I can’t help it. I’m excited!
A few months ago, I re-activated my Collarspace profile and after the same few months of one disappointment after another I felt like giving up. I was not about to settle for anything less than perfection this time (and let’s face it, finding a gem on CS is rare). It occurred to me that perhaps my perfect Dom did not exist. But, then I got a message from B and now here I am… excited, optimistic, starry-eyed, head over heels, weak-knees and all. So far he has been nothing less than perfect and I cannot get enough.
I have never met a Dom that I have had so much in common with, kinky and vanilla. I could talk to him forever (we routinely have hours long phone conversations, like five hours long!) and I never want to fall asleep at night. He pushes me out of my comfort zone (stick around for a story about my first experiences with a vibrator another day) but never pushes past what I can handle.
Of course, there is still a bit of nervousness and apprehension. There is some distance involved, but I have no doubt that it will work itself out as we progress. Not to mention, these feelings came up awfully quickly. But, I am a huge believer in, when you know… you know. My intuition has never steered me wrong (except when I fail to listen to it) and I am trusting my gut in this situation. I have given B my submission because I believe he truly deserves it, there is no question.
There is now a part of me that wants to delete all my old posts on this blog regarding past hurt and bad experiences – just because all I care about right now is my future with B. I do not want negativity in this blog. I want real and honest (because I know no relationship is rainbows and unicorns 100% of the time), but it needs to be in the here and now. The weight of the past has finally been lifted from my shoulders and I never want to open that door again.
Either I have far less feelings than I thought or my mind specifically goes blank when it comes time to blog. I stare at this blank page for 30 minutes before an idea even begins to float in my mind.
I’m just not an open person. Of course, I’d like to think I am. I am trying to be though, especially with Sir. Especially after Sunday’s mini-meltdown. It seems like all the parts of me that I consider scary do not scare him. I still don’t feel like I really deserve him, but I am so thankful I have him.
The distance still gets to me, but I’m doing my best to stay patient. I have expressed my fears regarding this matter to him a few times and I’m sure I will again at some point. That was one of the driving forces behind my meltdown. The anxiety just got to me. I have never been a patient person.
Every Sunday I type out a post about how much I hate Sundays. Today is no different. I don’t hate them because I barely get to talk to Sir (although I do miss him) but because these are my last hours before yet another week of a job that is boring me to tears.
This particular Sunday is made worse because it’s also my last day of being 27. I know that 28 isn’t old, I don’t think it is… I just thought my life would be a lot different by now.
On a different note – Sir sent me a few links yesterday to posts he thought might interest me or be helpful. Every single one spoke to me in various ways and made me realize a few things. The first being that I need to be better at trusting him. He has given no indication that he is going to hurt me and, unlike all the others, he has raised no red flags in my mind. The second, I need to learn to completely give up control to him.
It’s a defense mechanism, trying to keep hold of even the tiniest shred of control. I love Sir and I want him to have it all. It’s a choice I need to make. My submission at its deepest level is not a choice. I need it, but I still need to make the choice to trust and obey. The choice to hand over the leash.
Rome wasn’t built in a day and none of this is going to happen overnight, but I’ve renewed my resolve. There is a lot of physical distance between Sir and I and it would be easy to just pretend to give up that control, pretend to follow the rules and complete my tasks. I do not and will not do that because I respect (and love!) Sir far too much. Besides, a lot of those rules are propelling me toward my own goals and I would only be selling myself short. He is in control and I trust him. Pleasing him makes me happy and that’s really all I want.