What does Dominance mean to me?

I have decided to complete the 30 Days of D/s prompts from Loving BDSM which are far more appealing to me than the 30 Days of Kink prompts I had been doing!  They seem more in-depth, like I could actually use them to write a quality post.  Also, bonus, it will not be just me answering as Sir has decided he will also answer the prompts.  He now has editing ability on this blog and will be able to post his own answers.  ❤  I think it will be fun to see perspectives from both sub and Dom.

Because I am writing to my own experiences, I will often be referring to Dominants as male and submissives as female.  That is my dynamic.  I am not intentionally leaving anyone out (I loveee everyone), but I cannot confidently write to anyone else’s experience.

Today’s prompt:

“Whether you identify as a Dominant or a submissive, you may have some picture in your mind of what kind of person is a Dominant.

What does dominance in a relationship mean to you? What traits will a Dominant have? How should a Dominant behave?”

Dominance in a relationship, for me at least, has multiple meanings and ways of manifesting.  There seems to be a stereotype (mainly propagated, I assume, by those who have no idea what is actually going on) that all Dom-types are cold, unfeeling, and harsh. They take what they want without negotiation, ignore limits, and are generally terrible people.  Of course, you and I both know this is far from accurate.

This is what it means to me:  It means that I trust Sir so much that I am willing to allow him to own every little piece of me.  It means that I know he has my best interests at heart and he may not always give me what I want, but I know he will give me what I need.  I know he will not harm me.  And, sometimes, it means grabbing me by the hair and fucking the life out of me.  It means a lot of things.

I look for the following traits in a Dominant, some serious and some not so serious.  I probably forgot a few.

  1. Not flaky.  Sets rules and follows through, even if discipline is necessary.
  2. Good at spanking. 😉  The fun kind, not the punishment kind I hate.
  3. Patient.
  4. Willing to see the humor in life.  Why so serious? 
  5. Likes cats.
  6. GOOD COMMUNICATOR.  This is like the most important thing ever.
  7. Likes nerdy things.
  8. Smells good.  (No one wants stinky cuddles)
  9. Understands that he is human and might make mistakes sometimes.
  10. Loves me.

My list comes from a place of needing an actual relationship with my D/s.  I am not a casual girl by any means.  Without that strong connection, I cannot submit.

How should a Dominant behave?  Perhaps this might be easier if I tell you how a Dominant should absolutely not behave by using my own past experiences.

  1. A Dominant should NOT ignore your limits just because he “lost his mind for a minute.”  If he cannot control himself, how will he control someone else?
  2. A Dominant should NOT approach a random submissive he has never spoken to in his life and demand that she immediately submit to him.  That’s creepy.
  3. He should NOT be unwilling to talk about feelings, yours or his.  I mean, unless this is part of your agreement, but I cannot imagine why it would be.
  4. He should absolutely, never ever treat a submissive like she is inferior to him.  This excludes humiliation/degradation/etc that is part of a scene.  Just because someone is submissive does NOT mean doormat.  I am not trying to be cocky here, but I cannot tell you how many Domly Doms tried to show up my intelligence and failed miserably.

Of course this is not everything but I think the moral of the story here is that Dominants do not get a pass on being a decent human simply because they are Dominant.  No one does.  Hence, they should behave like decent people.  Luckily, there are plenty of good ones out there if you are patient enough.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, let me know in the comments and stayed tuned because Sir will post his answer to this same question soon!

30 Days of Kink Days 21-30

And, finally we are at the last ten 30 Days of Kink writing prompts.  I’m not sure why but they did not keep my attention like I thought they would.  Enjoy the last 10!

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

I don’t have one.  I have only read 50 Shades which is a far cry from being a good example of a BDSM relationship.

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Communication and trust, just like a vanilla relationship.  The difference is I feel that the levels of communication and trust need to be much higher, this is coming from experience in both types of relationships.

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

I think I am always, always evolving within this lifestyle.  Since starting to explore this lifestyle, I believe I have become more accepting of other people’s interests, etc regardless of how I feel about them.

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

Oh man, where to start!?

First and foremost, someone who accepts me as ME and doesn’t feel the need to change every little thing.  Someone who understands that I also have opinions and a brain and that I am far from a doormat.  Someone who follows through on the things they say.  For example, Sir is the first Dom I have had that actually set rules and followed through with consequences when said rules were broken.

Patience and a sarcastic sense of humor is also helpful.

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

I do not share them lightly.  This blog is anonymous for a reason.  Sir is the only person in my life at this moment who has any idea.  I am not ashamed of my kinks or of being submissive, but if this got out to the wrong person it could have some major consequences.

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

I think if it’s your cup of tea, then go for it.  Personally, 100% online play is not for me and I was always a little wary of people on Collarspace or FetLife that only wanted online play.

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

I still very much keep my vanilla and kinky interests separate.  Of course, you could consider writing a non-kink activity that is now a somewhat kinky activity.

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM? What significance does your attire have to you?

I do not have a specific way to dress.  Leather, and anything typically attributed to BDSM, kind of annoys me.  I don’t mean any offense if you’re into that, it just isn’t for me. I don’t enjoy being shoved into a box of stereotypes.

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title?  What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

Submissive?  I’m not really sure what to put here.

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

This set of writing prompts was meant to help me open up about my life as a submissive, given that I rarely write about such things on this blog.  I do plan to be more open in the future.  I have been receiving the 30 Days of D/s writing prompts in my e-mail for the last few weeks from Loving BDSM and I’ll be working on those next.