Negotiations, rules, & contracts. Oh my!

Hellloooo!

That scene makes me laugh out loud every single time. ❤  Also, it has literally zero things to do with this blog post.

The actual point of this blog post is to complete the next prompt that I received in my e-mail from Loving BDSM (you can see previous writing prompts here). This one is about contracts and negotiations.  I added rules to the title because I’m going to touch on that a little too!

“People read the word “negotiation” and imagine some sort of back and forth thing around a table in a formal way.  It can be that, sure, but mostly it’s just the conversation you have to figure out what kind of D/s relationship you want for yourself.  Submissives have the right to, and should, ask why a rule/task/ritual is being put in place and both sides should have the freedom to disagree, suggest other things, and make sure their needs are being met.

Negotiations aren’t a one time thing either.  You’ll come back to this over and over again in your relationship.  Will you have a contract?  Do you need a checklist?  What exactly does a negotiation sound like?”

Well, right off the bat, I will tell you that Sir and I do NOT have a contract and we probably never will.  To me, they are a bit unnecessary.  I honestly mean no offense to anyone who has a contract as part of their D/s, but it isn’t for me.  We haven’t gone through any type of checklist either.

Do we negotiate?  Of course.  I actually had to discuss this with Sir a little because from our relationship thus far it has seemed like negotiation was never really a thing.  Oh, but it was and definitely is a thing!  If I am uncomfortable with something, I tell him and, thus, we negotiate.  It’s basically a constant negotiation.

Back to the contracts, this doesn’t mean I don’t have rules, tasks, etc.  I do and I keep a list of them on my phone.  Instead of signing my name to something, I just agree that I am going to follow these rules and accept any consequences for breaking them.  So perhaps it is more contract-ish that I though.  However, contract or not, the option to walk away is always there.  Not that I’m about to exercise that option.  I am still a very smitten kitten.  ❤ ❤ ❤

Keep an eye out for Sir’s answer to this prompt, I’m sure it’ll be along soon 😉

Also, because I’m now in the habit of adding soundtracks to my posts (literally just songs that have nothing to do with anything and happened to be playing as I typed…).

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My thoughts on titles/labels

Today’s writing prompt (from Loving BDSM) is about titles and labels.  You can find previous answers to these writing prompts here.

“Beyond the basic title of Dominant or submissive, are there other titles you prefer or are interested in exploring?  Are there any that turn you off or don’t seem like a good fit for you?

Some titles for Dominants may be Master, Sir, Daddy, Mistress, Lady, etc. Titles for submissives can be pet, babygirl, little one, boy, girl, etc.

To be completely honest, I have never EVER cared for nicknames or any type of title/label other than my own name.  Stella is an alias that I use for this specific blog, otherwise I prefer when people use my actual name.  That said, it’s a little different when it comes to my little D/s world.

Sir calls me a few different things: my love or my slave, for example.  Outside of this blog, I actually refer to him as Master.  Sometimes it gets a little more toward the degradation side of things with titles such as ‘slut’ or ‘fuckhole.’  I enjoy that in moderation.  I have a nasty little habit of internalizing things like that – heavy degradation or humiliation is damaging to me.

There are names that turn me off.  I hate the word ‘cunt’ when specifically directed at a person no matter the context.  HATE it. Being referred to as an animal, specifically a farm animal would also be an absolute no-no.  That would actually probably make me cry. LOL.  Kitten is probably the only acceptable animal, because kittens are fuzzy and warm and cute unlike other animals that are fat and stinky and make gross grunting noises.

And, on that note, I am ending this post. 😉  If you have thoughts, let me know in the comments!  Keep an eye out for Sir’s response to this same prompt!

Yes, they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness

I realize I quite literally just posted on this blog, but I had more words stuck in my head.

This weekend I had the chance to see Billy Joel in concert in Minneapolis.  It was pretty amazing.  I can tell you that 35,000 people singing a long to Piano Man was probably one of the most amazing experiences of my entire life.  I feel comfortable telling you this and not blowing my anonymity for a few reasons:

  1. I do not live anywhere even close to Minneapolis and I do not live in Minnesota at all.
  2. There were 35,000 other people at the show.
  3. If you really wanted to figure out my personal information, you could.  This is the internet after all.

Anyway, the show was amazing.  He brought out Axl Rose for a few songs at which point I started sobbing and emitting high pitched noises. Yup, I fangirled all over the place. My dad listened to a lot of Guns N Roses, AC/DC, etc while I was growing up.  Music, notably rock music, has always been such a huge part of my life.

Yes, the concert was amazing (not quite as awesome as when I saw Fleetwood Mac, but close!) but I felt so alone.  Even with all those people, it just felt so empty.  I was surrounded by couples enjoying time together and I was jealous.

I have Sir and I love him more than I can even put into words, but we are long-distance. It bothers me, I admit that it does and I have admitted it before.  I am not used to long-distance and I will tell you that it is absolutely not ideal.  There is always this fear in the back of mind that it will never be anything but long-distance and that isn’t what I want in the long run.  It’s probably my anxiety making me overthink, but what if it isn’t…?

 

30 Days of Kink Days 4-10

I didn’t forget about the 30 Days of Kink!  I just got a little bored of it so now I’m bunching questions together so they don’t drag on and and on…

Day 4: Any early experiences, that in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

YES.  Ken routinely spanked Barbie.

Also, some of the neighbor kids and I would pretend to ‘kidnap’ each other and tie each other up.  This wasn’t even remotely sexual, as we were children.  However, I believe it kind of sparked my interest.

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience?  If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen?

My first experience was with my first Dom, Jason.  I talked about him a few times on here.  I actually don’t really care to go into too much detail about it – it was very slow (as it was my first time with anything other than vanilla).  It involved a spanking and a pirate wench costume.

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

I’m boring.  I do not have any fantasies that I would consider weird or interesting.  I guess the most interesting fantasy I have is my fantasy of being abducted (NOT by a stranger, this literally only applies to Sir), forced into bondage, etc, etc…

Consensual non-consent is fun.

Day 7: What is your favorite toy?

Again, I’m boring.  I only own a small plug and it’s safe to say it isn’t my favorite. Although I did mention in a previous post that it kind of brings me back into submissive mode when inserted.  It’s a love/hate relationship.

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Perhaps the below isn’t the most erotic photo I could have found – but it is for me right now because it is literally ALL I want.  I have no idea who it belongs to, but I found it via google on this website.

care-to-submissive-woman.jpg

Day 9: Post a kinky related song or music video you enjoy.

I couldn’t find one.  I know that the music video for 30 Seconds to Mars’ song Hurricane has some BDSM tones to it.  I love the song, but it isn’t kinky and I can’t say the music video does much for me.

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

Being ignored
Being shared
Sharing my Dom – I do not play well with other submissives.  I only do monogamy.
Poop_Emoji.png and most other bodily fluids
Animals, minors, anything illegal
Piercings, blood, and fire
Having my feet touched in any manner.
Extreme pain, extreme humiliation, extreme degradation
Anything that will jeopardize my career, relationship with family, or my reputation.

 

30 Days of Kink Day 2: My Kinks

Day 2 of 30 Days of Kink (find Day 1 here) is: List your kinks.  Sir told me I have to go more in-depth than just listing them so, here we go.

1. Spanking

I couldn’t even begin to tell you when I became interested in spanking or even what triggered the interest.  I do, however, remember that sometimes Ken spanked Barbie.  I have no idea where I would have learned anything like that as I was never spanked as a child.  Then, sometime around age 12, I stumbled across a website about domestic discipline.  I became a little obsessed with the idea…

I kept it a secret until I met my first Dom, Jason.  I’ve talked about him here before.  He wasn’t very good at spanking for play, but he did give me a pretty good one as a punishment once.  My first experience with the belt and it was well deserved, I promise. It was the first and last time a punishment of his was consensual, before the drinking problem and before the world slipped out from under my feet….

After that, I met a Dom who was basically solely into spanking.  He gave me some pretty good bruises but that is literally all I wanted from him.  I just needed to forget Jason and his little leather paddle with the star shaped cutouts did the trick, even if it was just temporarily.  I led him on and I will always feel a little bit guilty.

I have no idea what excites me so much.  Perhaps its the whole pleasure/pain dynamic or maybe its the feeling of surrendering to another person, trusting them to not damage me beyond repair.  I don’t have a high pain tolerance at all, but I enjoy challenging myself to see how much I can take.

2. Bondage

I’m not shocked that I grew up to be interested in bondage.  I always had this strange desire to be tied up.  Sometimes when I was pretty young, myself and some of the other kids in the neighborhood would tie each other up.  Besides that, I haven’t had much experience here either except with Jason which I’m sure is a huge shock.

I had a pirate wench costume that had these long pieces that were supposed to tie around the sleeves to add detail but Jason used them to keep hands tied behind my back. Otherwise, I’ve been tied, spread-eagle, to the bed a few times by a guy I was seeing.. until I found out he was married.

It’s the feeling of being out of control that I love so much.  I love feeling helpless, I love not being able to move, and I love being at someone else’s mercy.  Add a blindfold, and maybe a gag, and I’ll be a damn puddle at your feet.  Tied down and spanked.  Tied down and fucked.  So, so good. 😉 Also, orgasms feel so much stronger to me when I am completely immobile.

3. Orgasm Denial 

I have never been very good at this one, but I love it for whatever reason.  My intense need to please comes in here, I think.  I actually get pretty upset if I cum when I haven’t been given permission and it happens a lot because I really can’t control it, especially when someone else is touching me.  It just happens.

I played for a few months with a Dom who tried to help me by using my hatred of the wooden spoon against me.  It actually did help a little because I would do pretty much anything to avoid that fucking spoon.

4. Anal play/plugs/etc

I like anal play because it makes me feel submissive.  I have only one experience with actual anal sex, but I have plenty of experience with the plug.  I only have a small one, but it has been well used.

The same Dom from above, the one who liked to use the wooden spoon, was also the Dom who bought me my first plug.  I’ll never ever forget the first time he made me bend over the couch so he could slide it in me, like an instant feeling of submissiveness.  It still has that same effect, a little bit like a kinky pacifier.  Sometimes it’s all that’s needed to cure this girl of a bratty attitude.

 

5. Consensual Non-consent

I have fantasies about being abducted, I admit it.  By someone I trust, of course.  I am not interested in doing anything at all with a stranger.  It’s that feeling of being out of control and at someone else’s mercy again.  The idea drives me crazy.  You know, being snuck up on, taken, brought to some random location (or not so random, whatever).. tied up… clothes ripped off.. fucked.  I can pretend to struggle but actually be enjoying every last second.

No experience with this at all though, for now it lives purely in my fantasies.

 

This was difficult for me to write.  I don’t know why.  I am not used to being open about my kinks.. and I feel like this is still a far cry from ‘open’.

Ring of fire

This week has been far better than my previous weeks.  Most notably, I do not burst into random tears at random times throughout the day and night.  I am almost back to my usual smitten kitten, daydreamy, heart-eyed self.Emoji

Running away was not my best idea.  Not even in the realm of a good idea, BUT I learned some things:

  1. I am a submissive and it does not matter whether you or anyone else agrees with me. I know I am, and that’s that.  On that same note, I must stop comparing myself to other submissives.
  2. I did not confuse lust and love.  I missed Sir more during that week than I have ever missed anyone or anything in my entire life, so much so that it was physically painful. (You know, like… it burns, burns, burns… the ring of fire)  That is not lust.
  3. I need to trust.  Sir has beyond proven that he deserves that trust.   All of the times he could have given up on me and he did not.

I think I have been trying harder lately – to be a better submissive and a better person in general.  I did not just wake up one day and decide to be submissive, I have known since I was a teenager.  Running away and giving up seemed like the easiest option at the time and it absolutely was not.  Not at all.

I’m back!

Quite a bit has happened since I last wrote, a public post at least.  It was a bit of a meltdown, the constant questioning and anxiety that is constantly going on in my head just got to me.  Instead of lashing out, I just ran away… from this blog, this life, and from Sir.

I thought that leaving my submission in the rear-view mirror would feel like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  It didn’t.  For a week, all I did was cry – cried myself to sleep, cried in the shower, cried in the bathroom at work.

I ran away and he was still there when I came back.  I don’t think I deserve him, but I’m not sure what I would have done if he wasn’t there.

It happened and it’s over.  Life isn’t perfect, but things will be okay.  The lesson here is that apparently running away doesn’t solve anything.  Anddd that’s all I want to say about that.  Lesson learned.

 

In other news, I have been extremely aware lately that I do not have any sexual fantasies.  Who doesn’t have those!?  Of course, there are things that turn me on but not one detailed fantasy that runs through my mind.

So I have been trying REALLY hard to think of something that qualifies as a fantasy.  I don’t have what I consider a ‘dirty’ mind (unless I’ve been drinking) so it’s difficult for me to reach into those deep, dark parts of my brain.

But there is one thing that comes to mind – abduction.  I have fantasized about that.  I don’t mean being abducted by a total stranger.  Just role play.  Anything that makes me feel powerless….