Quarter Life Crisis

I haven’t blogged in awhile.  For a few reasons.  First, I haven’t had a ton to write about.  Second, I have been focusing on my writing.  I have been talking about publishing erotica for a LONG time and I finally did it (check it out here.)

I think I’m having a ‘quarter-life’ crisis.  Yeah, it’s a thing!  Google it!  I feel so uncertain about almost everything in my life.  My job? Hate it.  Where I live?  Over it.  Right now, I have B and I have my writing… and that is all that makes me happy.  Everything else seems like an annoying distraction.

B is always so supportive.  It was Him who pushed me to finish my first story and publish it.  Up until now, I have only written bits and pieces.  He read it and helped me edit it, letting me know where pieces didn’t flow or where elaboration would help.  I love that He doesn’t judge me.

I have no idea what I would do without him.  Even though we are far apart right now, He still makes sure I’m taking care of myself – taking my anxiety meds and such.  He lets me vent and knows how to get me to relax… on the flip-side, he knows how to make me wet too.  My Wolf certainly is magical.  😉

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More gushing.. can’t help it!

Happy Easter friends!  (Or, Happy Sunday if you do not celebrate!)

Today I’ve been reflecting on the time that has passed since I met B and He changed my world in the best way possible.

For the first time (in a LONG time) I have stopped questioning my submission.  I used to struggle against it, and you might see that if you read old posts.  Many times I questioned whether this lifestyle was for me, even in the midst of relationships.  That thought doesn’t cross my mind with B, I know this is right.

He has never tried to force my submission to Him, He let me give it to Him.  He let me surrender at my own pace, so instead of pushing against Him… I gave Him everything I’ve wanted to give for so long.  Every single day I choose to submit and that’s the best part.  It was an easy decision.

Why?  He makes me laugh A LOT, communicates freely… not once has He ever made me feel like He is hiding anything.  In return, I make myself transparent to Him.   He understands my anxiety and doesn’t make me feel terrible for having emotions.  He challenges me intellectually and supports my goals.  Every other Dom that has ever crossed my life pales in comparison.

I know that I have been gushing about Him in all my posts lately, but I can’t help it!  This is the first time I have ever felt so optimistic and excited about anything, our journey together.

And the bunny falls for the Wolf

I think I mentioned in one of my last posts that I was going to write about my first experience with a vibrator… and I decided I want to keep that moment between myself and B.  That doesn’t mean future experiences aren’t up for discussion in other posts. 😉

I have so many feelings I can hardly keep them inside.  I always feel like bursting into a bunch of starry-eyed little pieces.  It is constantly a shock to me that there are not little pink hearts radiating like steam from my ears.  I am such a smitten little creature, and I can’t get enough.

Unfortunately, I have been sick this week.  An infection in my ear (NOT an ear infection) has knocked the energy out of me.  Luckily, the antibiotics have helped and I am almost back at 100%.  I’m just thankful I did not have to go to the hospital or get IV drugs again.  B has been so patient with me, taking care of me as best as he can even though he is not physically with me.

These are the times when I know he truly deserves my submission (and trust) and the moments when I want to give him all the little pieces that no one else has ever earned.  I know he cares about me… and I know he won’t give up on me when times are less than perfect.

It has been tough though, especially as I continue to get better.  I am beginning to get restless – I want to play with my Wolf… my sex toy collection has blossomed (considering it was at a grand total of ZERO) since we met and for the last week it has been untouched.  I’m not complaining, I was truly in no shape to be playing this last week, but now that I’m getting better my inner slut is coming out again.

As an aside, you may start seeing me refer to B as my Wolf in future posts, my Wolf and His bunny.

wolf and bunny

Seeing stars

Oh goodness… I have so much to write and in this case, I could go on forever but I shall try to condense it a little and also not get too braggy.  But, hey, I can’t help it.  I’m excited!

A few months ago, I re-activated my Collarspace profile and after the same few months of one disappointment after another I felt like giving up.  I was not about to settle for anything less than perfection this time (and let’s face it, finding a gem on CS is rare).  It occurred to me that perhaps my perfect Dom did not exist.  But, then I got a message from B and now here I am… excited, optimistic, starry-eyed, head over heels, weak-knees and all.  So far he has been nothing less than perfect and I cannot get enough.

I have never met a Dom that I have had so much in common with, kinky and vanilla.  I could talk to him forever (we routinely have hours long phone conversations, like five hours long!) and I never want to fall asleep at night.  He pushes me out of my comfort zone (stick around for a story about my first experiences with a vibrator another day) but never pushes past what I can handle.

Of course, there is still a bit of nervousness and apprehension.  There is some distance involved, but I have no doubt that it will work itself out as we progress.  Not to mention, these feelings came up awfully quickly.  But, I am a huge believer in, when you know… you know.  My intuition has never steered me wrong (except when I fail to listen to it) and I am trusting my gut in this situation.  I have given B my submission because I believe he truly deserves it, there is no question.

There is now a part of me that wants to delete all my old posts on this blog regarding past hurt and bad experiences – just because all I care about right now is my future with B.  I do not want negativity in this blog.  I want real and honest (because I know no relationship is rainbows and unicorns 100% of the time), but it needs to be in the here and now.  The weight of the past has finally been lifted from my shoulders and I never want to open that door again.

Re-focusing

So here’s the deal on my last two weeks – my apartment got bedbugs (from a neighbor who failed to report), the state of such and such (a state I don’t actually live in anymore) informed me I owed them tax money from 2014, I got a new car, my boss got a promotion so I am trying to get his position, and I started taking a new anxiety medication.  Needless to say, even though those aren’t ALL bad things and life could be a lot worse, I have been stressed.  Beyond stressed.

The bed bugs are now hopefully eradicated and the tax money has been paid… but this medication has me almost constantly nauseous.  It has finally eased up a bit, just to be replaced by a headache.  My doctor tells me this is normal for the first few weeks, but sometimes I feel as if I would rather be anxious.

Anyway, the real point of this post is that as much as I hate to admit it, this stress has seriously impacted my submission to Sir.  He is always so patient with me, but I cannot help thinking that he deserves better than that.  This morning he showed me a Tumblr post that someone had written about how we don’t get to pick and choose when we’re submissive or Dominant.  It requires commitment every single day.

So, that’s my current goal, or at least one of them, and one of my highest priorities.  Re-focus on my submission and let it make me feel like it used to – secure and happy and free.

This is what happened

I mentioned a few posts ago that things have changed regarding the status of my relationship and that I was absolutely not going to talk about it.  Just kidding, I’m going to talk about my relationship because this is a D/s blog and I want to use it for it’s intended purpose.

First let me tell you something – submission is hard for me.  Not because I don’t want it or because my heart isn’t in it, but because I am always afraid of being hurt.  For a long time after the disaster that was my first real love, I truly believed that I was not cut out for this life regardless of how badly I desired it.

Let us rewind to a month ago, almost to the day.  I began to second guess myself and what I wanted in this lifestyle.  I was also feeling needy.  I just wanted attention and, being long distance for now, it isn’t always available when I need it.  As much as I love the idea, it isn’t realistic (or healthy) to be in constant contact 100% of the time.

I’m not going to take all the blame here, there were some communication issues on both sides but I was not fair.  I wanted him to make me stay.  Long story short, a lot of accusations got thrown out about how his feelings are dependent on many different factors.  They aren’t, but I made myself believe that they were.  I ran away.  Again.

Then I self-destructed, which some people may have read about on this blog before I hid those posts.

I expected him to have finally given up on me, but he didn’t.  He was still there, willing to try again.  Being without him hurt me so much that I promised I would try harder, show him exactly how much I wanted, and needed, to belong to him.  And, I do… I do so much.  I have renewed my resolve to follow his rules and to learn to give into my submission and this time it feels better.  It doesn’t feel so forced, it feels natural… it feels like exactly what I needed.

There are still hurdles to climb.  I need him to open up to me more and he is trying, I can tell.  I need to learn to be more patient, to remember to take deep breaths, and to stop second guessing him.  He has shown me over and over again that he worthy of my trust and submission and it’s my turn to prove to him that I am worthy of all the patience and love he has given me.

The below song is fitting, in a lot of ways.  Also, RIP to one of the most influential artists in my life and one of the driving forces behind my treble clef tattoo.

Negotiations, rules, & contracts. Oh my!

Hellloooo!

That scene makes me laugh out loud every single time. ❤  Also, it has literally zero things to do with this blog post.

The actual point of this blog post is to complete the next prompt that I received in my e-mail from Loving BDSM (you can see previous writing prompts here). This one is about contracts and negotiations.  I added rules to the title because I’m going to touch on that a little too!

“People read the word “negotiation” and imagine some sort of back and forth thing around a table in a formal way.  It can be that, sure, but mostly it’s just the conversation you have to figure out what kind of D/s relationship you want for yourself.  Submissives have the right to, and should, ask why a rule/task/ritual is being put in place and both sides should have the freedom to disagree, suggest other things, and make sure their needs are being met.

Negotiations aren’t a one time thing either.  You’ll come back to this over and over again in your relationship.  Will you have a contract?  Do you need a checklist?  What exactly does a negotiation sound like?”

Well, right off the bat, I will tell you that Sir and I do NOT have a contract and we probably never will.  To me, they are a bit unnecessary.  I honestly mean no offense to anyone who has a contract as part of their D/s, but it isn’t for me.  We haven’t gone through any type of checklist either.

Do we negotiate?  Of course.  I actually had to discuss this with Sir a little because from our relationship thus far it has seemed like negotiation was never really a thing.  Oh, but it was and definitely is a thing!  If I am uncomfortable with something, I tell him and, thus, we negotiate.  It’s basically a constant negotiation.

Back to the contracts, this doesn’t mean I don’t have rules, tasks, etc.  I do and I keep a list of them on my phone.  Instead of signing my name to something, I just agree that I am going to follow these rules and accept any consequences for breaking them.  So perhaps it is more contract-ish that I though.  However, contract or not, the option to walk away is always there.  Not that I’m about to exercise that option.  I am still a very smitten kitten.  ❤ ❤ ❤

Keep an eye out for Sir’s answer to this prompt, I’m sure it’ll be along soon 😉

Also, because I’m now in the habit of adding soundtracks to my posts (literally just songs that have nothing to do with anything and happened to be playing as I typed…).