I mentioned a few posts ago that things have changed regarding the status of my relationship and that I was absolutely not going to talk about it. Just kidding, I’m going to talk about my relationship because this is a D/s blog and I want to use it for it’s intended purpose.
First let me tell you something – submission is hard for me. Not because I don’t want it or because my heart isn’t in it, but because I am always afraid of being hurt. For a long time after the disaster that was my first real love, I truly believed that I was not cut out for this life regardless of how badly I desired it.
Let us rewind to a month ago, almost to the day. I began to second guess myself and what I wanted in this lifestyle. I was also feeling needy. I just wanted attention and, being long distance for now, it isn’t always available when I need it. As much as I love the idea, it isn’t realistic (or healthy) to be in constant contact 100% of the time.
I’m not going to take all the blame here, there were some communication issues on both sides but I was not fair. I wanted him to make me stay. Long story short, a lot of accusations got thrown out about how his feelings are dependent on many different factors. They aren’t, but I made myself believe that they were. I ran away. Again.
Then I self-destructed, which some people may have read about on this blog before I hid those posts.
I expected him to have finally given up on me, but he didn’t. He was still there, willing to try again. Being without him hurt me so much that I promised I would try harder, show him exactly how much I wanted, and needed, to belong to him. And, I do… I do so much. I have renewed my resolve to follow his rules and to learn to give into my submission and this time it feels better. It doesn’t feel so forced, it feels natural… it feels like exactly what I needed.
There are still hurdles to climb. I need him to open up to me more and he is trying, I can tell. I need to learn to be more patient, to remember to take deep breaths, and to stop second guessing him. He has shown me over and over again that he worthy of my trust and submission and it’s my turn to prove to him that I am worthy of all the patience and love he has given me.
The below song is fitting, in a lot of ways. Also, RIP to one of the most influential artists in my life and one of the driving forces behind my treble clef tattoo.