And the bunny falls for the Wolf

I think I mentioned in one of my last posts that I was going to write about my first experience with a vibrator… and I decided I want to keep that moment between myself and B.¬† That doesn’t mean future experiences aren’t up for discussion in other posts. ūüėČ

I have so many feelings I can hardly keep them inside.¬† I always feel like bursting into a bunch of starry-eyed little pieces.¬† It is constantly a shock to me that there are not little pink hearts radiating like steam from my ears.¬† I am such a smitten little creature, and I can’t get enough.

Unfortunately, I have been sick this week.¬† An infection in my ear (NOT an ear infection) has knocked the energy out of me.¬† Luckily, the antibiotics have helped and I am almost back at 100%.¬† I’m just thankful I did not have to go to the hospital or get IV drugs again.¬† B has been so patient with me, taking care of me as best as he can even though he is not physically with me.

These are the times when I know he truly deserves my submission (and trust) and the moments when I want to give him all the little pieces that no one else has ever earned.¬† I know he cares about me… and I know he won’t give up on me when times are less than perfect.

It has been tough though, especially as I continue to get better.¬† I am beginning to get restless – I want to play with my Wolf… my sex toy collection has blossomed (considering it was at a grand total of ZERO) since we met and for the last week it has been untouched.¬† I’m not complaining, I was truly in no shape to be playing this last week, but now that I’m getting better my inner slut is coming out again.

As an aside, you may start seeing me refer to B as my Wolf in future posts, my Wolf and His bunny.

wolf and bunny

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Seeing stars

Oh goodness… I have so much to write and in this case, I could go on forever but I shall try to condense it a little and also not get too braggy.¬† But, hey, I can’t help it.¬† I’m excited!

A few months ago, I re-activated my Collarspace profile and after the same few months of one disappointment after another I felt like giving up.¬† I was not about to settle for anything less than perfection this time (and let’s face it, finding a gem on CS is rare).¬† It occurred to me that perhaps my perfect Dom did not exist.¬† But, then I got a message from B and now here I am… excited, optimistic, starry-eyed, head over heels, weak-knees and all.¬† So far he has been nothing less than perfect and I cannot get enough.

I have never met a Dom that I have had so much in common with, kinky and vanilla.  I could talk to him forever (we routinely have hours long phone conversations, like five hours long!) and I never want to fall asleep at night.  He pushes me out of my comfort zone (stick around for a story about my first experiences with a vibrator another day) but never pushes past what I can handle.

Of course, there is still a bit of nervousness and apprehension.¬† There is some distance involved, but I have no doubt that it will work itself out as we progress.¬† Not to mention, these feelings came up awfully quickly.¬† But, I am a huge believer in, when you know… you know.¬†¬†My intuition has never steered me wrong (except when I fail to listen to it) and I am trusting my gut in this situation.¬† I have given B my submission because I believe he truly deserves it, there is no question.

There is now a part of me that wants to delete all my old posts on this blog regarding past hurt and bad experiences Рjust because all I care about right now is my future with B.  I do not want negativity in this blog.  I want real and honest (because I know no relationship is rainbows and unicorns 100% of the time), but it needs to be in the here and now.  The weight of the past has finally been lifted from my shoulders and I never want to open that door again.

What does submission mean to you?

The next writing prompt in the 30 Days of D/s is about submission and what it means. Considering that I am indeed a submissive, I hope this will be easy… but, I’m willing to bet it won’t be. ūüėČ

As I mentioned previously, Sir will also be answering this prompt, and all the others, so keep an eye out for that!  You can see previous answers from both myself and Sir, here.

Does a submissive have certain behaviors?  Do submissives do specific tasks? When you think of a submissive and submission, what thoughts come to mind?

So, does a submissive have certain behaviors?  Yes and for the most part, they probably are similar across the board.  Obviously, there will be variances as we were not all created by the same cookie cutter.  I will list a few behaviors of mine that I consider to be submissive behaviors, some obvious and some maybe not so much.  This is absolutely not an exhaustive list and you may not agree.

  1. I am obedient to Sir’s wishes. ¬†This does not mean I am a doormat.
  2. I try my best to be open minded/flexible when it comes to things that might make me a little uncomfortable, but are not necessarily hard limits.
  3. Sir is on my mind 99.9% of the time but I do not let it interfere in my career, friendships, etc..   That said, he is my priority.  Balance is the key.
  4. I am open with him about my likes/dislikes, fears, goals, feelings and anything else you can imagine.
  5. I work to understand that needs/wants are two extremely different things.  I put our needs at equal importance, but I will always put his wants before mine.

The re-occurring theme here is that submissive does not equal weak. ¬†Submission, in my opinion, shows extreme strength. ¬†It isn’t easy to submit to another and give them that kind of power over you. ¬†It certainly is not for everyone. ¬†I crave and need it more than almost anything, but it is still a struggle to give up control sometimes.

While many submissive behaviors might be similar from one submissive to another, their tasks may not be.  I cannot say that submissives have specific tasks.  I only say this because I assume their tasks are set by their Dom and I cannot imagine each and every Dom wants the same thing.

I don’t have a ton but here are is an example or two of tasks from my D/s relationship: ¬†I edge every single day and sometimes more often per Sir’s request. ¬†On the occasion that I am allowed to orgasm, I always record it (we are long distance at the moment, if you did not know.).

When I think of submissives and submission, I think of the following things: freedom (yes, really. ¬†Perhaps I can expand on this later.), trust, deep connections, kink & sex, love, obedience, communication, learning, discipline, rules, strength…. ¬†The list goes on and on.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this same prompt – feel free to leave it in the comments!

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30 Days of Kink Days 4-10

I didn’t forget about the 30 Days of Kink! ¬†I just got a little bored of it so now I’m bunching questions together so they don’t drag on and and on…

Day 4: Any early experiences, that in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

YES.  Ken routinely spanked Barbie.

Also, some of the neighbor kids and I would pretend to ‘kidnap’ each other and tie each other up. ¬†This wasn’t even remotely sexual, as we were¬†children. ¬†However, I believe it kind of sparked my interest.

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? ¬†If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen?

My first experience was with Jason. ¬†I talked about him a few times on here. ¬†I actually don’t really care to go into too much detail about it – it was very slow (as it was my first time with anything other than vanilla).

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

I’m boring. ¬†I do not have any fantasies that I would consider weird or interesting. ¬†I guess the most interesting fantasy I have is my fantasy of being abducted (NOT by a stranger, this literally only applies to Sir), forced into bondage, etc, etc…

Consensual non-consent is fun.

Day 7: What is your favorite toy?

Again, I’m boring. ¬†I only own a small plug and it’s safe to say it isn’t my favorite. Although I did mention in a previous post that it kind of brings me back into submissive mode when inserted. ¬†It’s a love/hate relationship.

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Perhaps the below isn’t the most erotic photo I could have found – but it is for me right now because it is literally ALL I want. ¬†I have no idea who it belongs to, but I found it via google on this website.

care-to-submissive-woman.jpg

Day 9: Post a kinky related song or music video you enjoy.

I couldn’t find one. ¬†I know that the music video for 30 Seconds to Mars’ song Hurricane has some BDSM tones to it. ¬†I love the song, but it isn’t kinky and I can’t say the music video does much for me.

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

Being ignored
Being shared
Sharing my Dom РI do not play well with other submissives.  I only do monogamy.
Poop_Emoji.png and most other bodily fluids
Animals, minors, anything illegal
Piercings, blood, and fire
Having my feet touched in any manner.
Extreme pain, extreme humiliation, extreme degradation
Anything that will jeopardize my career, relationship with family, or my reputation.

 

30 Days of Kink: Day 1 – My Kinky Self

Lately I have been searching for writing prompts for this blog.  This blog is supposed to be about my experiences as a submissive woman, but I so rarely talk about anything directly related to D/s, BDSM, or kink.  That is about to change РI want (need..) to learn to be more open.

I found 30 days worth of kink related questions via a google search (I’ll link it here so it can be traced back to its origin). ¬†To be truthful, this will probably take me longer than 30 days. ¬†I do¬†not¬†intend on writing every single day unless the inspiration happens to strike.

If you are aware of any other writing prompts related to D/s, BDSM, etc, please let me know!

So, let us begin:

Day 1 Р Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting, in-depth definition of what that means to you.  Define your kinky self for us.

Well, I think the first part of this question is fairly obvious. ¬†Submissive Stella is indeed a submissive. ¬†ūüėČ ¬†But, do not misunderstand, I am not a doormat. ¬†I am¬†only¬†submissive for one person. ¬†I am not afraid to stand my ground when necessary, especially at work or within my social circles.

Defining my kinky self is difficult РI could tell you how much I like to be spanked or tied up or fucked but that really only scratches the surface, right?  In my world, kink is about a lot more than just sex.  Kink and submission is part of who I am so perhaps if I just define myself, that will be the answer.

Stella. ¬†28. Taurus. ¬†Lives somewhere on a windy plain that sometimes turns into a frozen tundra. ¬†Likes cats, margaritas, The Office, heavy metal (also, Taylor Swift. Don’t judge.), and sarcastic humor.

Submissive.  Enjoys spankings (except the punishment kind) and cuddles.  100% monogamous.  Kind of confused about life.  Intuitive but also analytical.  Cautious. Girly girl.

You know.. for some reason this is triggering emotions that I don’t feel like feeling right now. ¬†I’m going to wrap it up and I’ll come back with Day 2 soon!

Stella the slave girl.. and other ramblings

I apologize in advance because I think this post is going to be a bit all over the place.  There has been so much happening in my life and in my mind, as usual.

First thing’s first, that subject line.¬† I think I’ve probably mentioned, maybe more than once, that I am a submissive. Period.¬† Well, a few weeks ago Sir tasked me with writing a report on the differences between submissives and slaves.¬† Turns out, the differences are almost entirely subjective… and I ended up questioning my submissive status.¬† A lot.¬† At this point, I consider myself to be Sir’s slave (even though not everyone might agree that is the correct title) because he very much owns every piece of me.¬† It’s evolving though and I think it always will.

The word ‘slave’ is still difficult for me, there are so many negative connotations in my mind.¬† I guess that I’m too used to the power tripping douchebags on Collarspace, so, when I think of ‘slave’, I think of a bruised doormat.¬† I know that isn’t true and there are plenty of those in the Master/slave lifestyle that aren’t abusive or abused in the least.¬† I know that, but it’s going to take some time for this negative imagine to completely leave my head. Instead, it’s the idea of giving myself up to him completely that I adore.¬† To have that deep connection and trust Sir so much that I would hand over my entire being to him… that’s what I want, what I need.

Sir makes me feel all warm and melty inside.  I have never been an overly mushy person, but I am now.  Last night he told me that he had been reading articles about submissives with depression (I suffer from occasional streaks) so that he could have a better idea of how to support me when it happens.  I never doubt that he cares about me.  Sometimes my anxiety makes it difficult because there is always a little voice in the back of my mind saying otherwise.

I’m not going to pretend there aren’t moments where I don’t actually question him. Usually I just keep it to myself because sometimes the feeling just goes away.¬† For example, one of our current rules involves an exercise schedule and even though it is propelling me towards my own goals, I sometimes wonder if he has ulterior motives.¬† Maybe he really doesn’t think I look good, maybe he would be ashamed to be seen with me.¬† I don’t believe that’s the case because I’ve sent him some photos I’ve thought were truly appalling.. and he hasn’t run away. LOL.¬† But, there is always that little voice in the back of my head trying to convince me I’m not good enough. I’ve never told him that, but he reads this blog and I’m supposed to write as if he isn’t… so he’ll know now!

A few night’s ago I had a dream that I was upset with Sir (because he brought another submissive home, which is one of my most important hard limits.¬† I don’t share.¬† Ever.) and I was being such a bit of a bitch.¬† He told me to go wait for him in another room.¬† I said no and sunk down on the floor, like a child.¬† He grabbed my arm and tried to pull me up, and just as I was beginning to feel guilty… he twisted into a demon.¬† Black eyes, twisted face.¬† I woke up.

Google says that demons in dreams can represent a dangerous person in your life.¬† It does make sense, Sir is dangerous to me.¬† Not because I think he’s ever going to hurt me, but because he has the power to hurt me.¬† He has the power to shatter me but I want that.¬† I want him to have that power because I trust him not to use it.

 

 

Sunday

It’s been an interesting day.¬† This morning Sir tasked me with having an orgasm every hour for the entire day.¬† I’ve had six so far and it has been AMAZING.¬† Also, it’s easier said than done!¬† An hour is not that much time so I have to be careful not to miss one by getting overly distracted by my own activities.¬† Each one gets just a little more difficult, my body has a looooong reset period.¬† All in all, not a bad way to spend a Sunday.

I’m feeling very good today – very inspired and very motivated.¬† I’ve been working out regularly again.¬† It helps that Sir has made it a rule.¬† Everyday I do either Turbo Jam or yoga, sometimes both.¬† I can get through it easier when I tell myself I’m doing it for him.¬† Even though, it’s mostly pertains to my own goals and is for my own benefit.¬† It’s a good routine, at some point I’d like to take pole dance classes but until I improve my strength and flexibility (and my financial situation!) it isn’t an option.

In general, I have been being less of a lazy-head and making more time for my own goals.¬† I started a gaming channel on YouTube and, eventually, I am going to start livestreaming on Twitch.¬† I’m pretty obsessed with The Sims.¬† Unfortunately, since this blog is anonymous, I cannot share very much about that part of my life.

I’m finally starting to make myself a priority and that’s a good thing.¬† I always forced myself to take the back-burner to others.

Well, time for yet another orgasm. ūüėČ