Stella and the Brand New Life

I was not born to be an accountant, but somehow I ended up as one.  I was not born to be unhappy and unsatisfied with my life, but here I am… unhappy and unsatisfied.  Guess what?  I’m done.  I have a lot of things to be happy about (Sir, friends, family, life) and a lot of dreams that I know I can make a reality with a little perseverance.

I am NOT about to go out and quit my job, but I am going to start focusing a lot more on my goals and my dreams.  The thing I always fail to remember is that they are absolutely attainable if I only put forth effort.  And, before that thought even gets stuck in your head, nope, it does not make me less submissive to go after my own goals.  Self-fulfillment is the only way to tap into my true self and the only way to truly allow my submissive self to come forward.

So, no, crunching numbers is not my future.  Maybe I’m not 100% sure what it will be yet, but I know I’m on the horizon of figuring it out.  I know I want to do something that will benefit others just as much as myself.  I want to really tap into my creative side and unleash a part of me that no one has ever seen.  It isn’t going to be easy and it isn’t going to happen overnight, but I know I’m on the right track and keeping this mindset is the only way to make it happen.

Negotiations, rules, & contracts. Oh my!

Hellloooo!

That scene makes me laugh out loud every single time. ❤  Also, it has literally zero things to do with this blog post.

The actual point of this blog post is to complete the next prompt that I received in my e-mail from Loving BDSM (you can see previous writing prompts here). This one is about contracts and negotiations.  I added rules to the title because I’m going to touch on that a little too!

“People read the word “negotiation” and imagine some sort of back and forth thing around a table in a formal way.  It can be that, sure, but mostly it’s just the conversation you have to figure out what kind of D/s relationship you want for yourself.  Submissives have the right to, and should, ask why a rule/task/ritual is being put in place and both sides should have the freedom to disagree, suggest other things, and make sure their needs are being met.

Negotiations aren’t a one time thing either.  You’ll come back to this over and over again in your relationship.  Will you have a contract?  Do you need a checklist?  What exactly does a negotiation sound like?”

Well, right off the bat, I will tell you that Sir and I do NOT have a contract and we probably never will.  To me, they are a bit unnecessary.  I honestly mean no offense to anyone who has a contract as part of their D/s, but it isn’t for me.  We haven’t gone through any type of checklist either.

Do we negotiate?  Of course.  I actually had to discuss this with Sir a little because from our relationship thus far it has seemed like negotiation was never really a thing.  Oh, but it was and definitely is a thing!  If I am uncomfortable with something, I tell him and, thus, we negotiate.  It’s basically a constant negotiation.

Back to the contracts, this doesn’t mean I don’t have rules, tasks, etc.  I do and I keep a list of them on my phone.  Instead of signing my name to something, I just agree that I am going to follow these rules and accept any consequences for breaking them.  So perhaps it is more contract-ish that I though.  However, contract or not, the option to walk away is always there.  Not that I’m about to exercise that option.  I am still a very smitten kitten.  ❤ ❤ ❤

Keep an eye out for Sir’s answer to this prompt, I’m sure it’ll be along soon 😉

Also, because I’m now in the habit of adding soundtracks to my posts (literally just songs that have nothing to do with anything and happened to be playing as I typed…).

Heavy metal & kinky workouts

This is going to be more of a personal post, I think.  I even added a soundtrack for you at the bottom!  Heavy metal Stella is out in full force.  I am certain my neighbors love me as I scream let the bodies hit the floor at the top of my lungs.  They either love me or they are in the process of calling the police.  One of those things.

Sometimes it feels good though, you know?  Letting go…

I didn’t really have a good weekend.  A lot of anxiety and I really wasn’t a very good girl, so I am sure whatever is coming for the rules I broke will be… fun.  Lot’s of sarcasm in that.  Sometimes I get a little desperate for attention and forget to use my brain.  Not an excuse.

I haven’t talked about this a lot, but for the past four weeks (almost five now!!) I have been on a pretty big fitness kick.  I got Beachbody on Demand and have been absolutely loving it.  Don’t worry, I am NOT a Beachbody coach and have no intentions of becoming one so I will not be annoying you all with constant promotion.  BUT, I’m getting muscles! It’s exciting.

99% percent of the reasons for my fitness kick have to do with my health, but the other 1% are much more fun.  😉  Perhaps I have some fantasies about being tied up in all sorts of positions that would be impossible without being physically fit.  I also very much enjoy testing my body, whether it be through physical stamina or pain limits.

So, yeah, when I workout I think about being tied up.  It helps, try it!  Kink makes everything better, even exercise.  Someone needs to start a kinky workout program, if there isn’t one already.  I’m not really sure what that would entail?  It still needs to happen. 😉

My thoughts on titles/labels

Today’s writing prompt (from Loving BDSM) is about titles and labels.  You can find previous answers to these writing prompts here.

“Beyond the basic title of Dominant or submissive, are there other titles you prefer or are interested in exploring?  Are there any that turn you off or don’t seem like a good fit for you?

Some titles for Dominants may be Master, Sir, Daddy, Mistress, Lady, etc. Titles for submissives can be pet, babygirl, little one, boy, girl, etc.

To be completely honest, I have never EVER cared for nicknames or any type of title/label other than my own name.  Stella is an alias that I use for this specific blog, otherwise I prefer when people use my actual name.  That said, it’s a little different when it comes to my little D/s world.

Sir calls me a few different things: my love or my slave, for example.  Outside of this blog, I actually refer to him as Master.  Sometimes it gets a little more toward the degradation side of things with titles such as ‘slut’ or ‘fuckhole.’  I enjoy that in moderation.  I have a nasty little habit of internalizing things like that – heavy degradation or humiliation is damaging to me.

There are names that turn me off.  I hate the word ‘cunt’ when specifically directed at a person no matter the context.  HATE it. Being referred to as an animal, specifically a farm animal would also be an absolute no-no.  That would actually probably make me cry. LOL.  Kitten is probably the only acceptable animal, because kittens are fuzzy and warm and cute unlike other animals that are fat and stinky and make gross grunting noises.

And, on that note, I am ending this post. 😉  If you have thoughts, let me know in the comments!  Keep an eye out for Sir’s response to this same prompt!

What Does Submission Mean To You?

Does a submissive have certain behaviors? Do submissives do specific tasks?

No behaviors/tasks are set by the Dom. Some subs share certain traits; quietness, being reserved, overly apologizing, or avoiding eye contact. This is not an exhaustive list nor is it true of all subs. Stella for example kicks ass and takes names at work, literally doing the jobs of three people, yet she is also quiet and reserved. No two people are alike, so they will never have the same behaviors, and subs are people too. 😉 When it comes to tasks again no two Doms are alike and no two will want things done the same way.

Here is where I think the sub questions are off point, because subs are a diverse group. The 6’4″ guy I would not want to face in a fight can be, and some of them are, as sub as a petite 5 foot tall blonde. While not all subs share a shape/size/manner/gender, they do share one thing, a mind set. Subs want to please, they want to be of service and making their partner happy makes them happy. The degree to which they are willing to sacrifice their own happiness to me marks the difference between a sub and a slave.

When you think of a submissive and submission, what thoughts come to mind?

Service, strength, vulnerability, love, desire.

What does submission mean to you?

The next writing prompt in the 30 Days of D/s is about submission and what it means. Considering that I am indeed a submissive, I hope this will be easy… but, I’m willing to bet it won’t be. 😉

As I mentioned previously, Sir will also be answering this prompt, and all the others, so keep an eye out for that!  You can see previous answers from both myself and Sir, here.

Does a submissive have certain behaviors?  Do submissives do specific tasks? When you think of a submissive and submission, what thoughts come to mind?

So, does a submissive have certain behaviors?  Yes and for the most part, they probably are similar across the board.  Obviously, there will be variances as we were not all created by the same cookie cutter.  I will list a few behaviors of mine that I consider to be submissive behaviors, some obvious and some maybe not so much.  This is absolutely not an exhaustive list and you may not agree.

  1. I am obedient to Sir’s wishes.  This does not mean I am a doormat.
  2. I try my best to be open minded/flexible when it comes to things that might make me a little uncomfortable, but are not necessarily hard limits.
  3. Sir is on my mind 99.9% of the time but I do not let it interfere in my career, friendships, etc..   That said, he is my priority.  Balance is the key.
  4. I am open with him about my likes/dislikes, fears, goals, feelings and anything else you can imagine.
  5. I work to understand that needs/wants are two extremely different things.  I put our needs at equal importance, but I will always put his wants before mine.

The re-occurring theme here is that submissive does not equal weak.  Submission, in my opinion, shows extreme strength.  It isn’t easy to submit to another and give them that kind of power over you.  It certainly is not for everyone.  I crave and need it more than almost anything, but it is still a struggle to give up control sometimes.

While many submissive behaviors might be similar from one submissive to another, their tasks may not be.  I cannot say that submissives have specific tasks.  I only say this because I assume their tasks are set by their Dom and I cannot imagine each and every Dom wants the same thing.

I don’t have a ton but here are is an example or two of tasks from my D/s relationship:  I edge every single day and sometimes more often per Sir’s request.  On the occasion that I am allowed to orgasm, I always record it (we are long distance at the moment, if you did not know.).

When I think of submissives and submission, I think of the following things: freedom (yes, really.  Perhaps I can expand on this later.), trust, deep connections, kink & sex, love, obedience, communication, learning, discipline, rules, strength….  The list goes on and on.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this same prompt – feel free to leave it in the comments!

What does Dominance mean to me?

I have decided to complete the 30 Days of D/s prompts from Loving BDSM which are far more appealing to me than the 30 Days of Kink prompts I had been doing!  They seem more in-depth, like I could actually use them to write a quality post.  Also, bonus, it will not be just me answering as Sir has decided he will also answer the prompts.  He now has editing ability on this blog and will be able to post his own answers.  ❤  I think it will be fun to see perspectives from both sub and Dom.

Because I am writing to my own experiences, I will often be referring to Dominants as male and submissives as female.  That is my dynamic.  I am not intentionally leaving anyone out (I loveee everyone), but I cannot confidently write to anyone else’s experience.

Today’s prompt:

“Whether you identify as a Dominant or a submissive, you may have some picture in your mind of what kind of person is a Dominant.

What does dominance in a relationship mean to you? What traits will a Dominant have? How should a Dominant behave?”

Dominance in a relationship, for me at least, has multiple meanings and ways of manifesting.  There seems to be a stereotype (mainly propagated, I assume, by those who have no idea what is actually going on) that all Dom-types are cold, unfeeling, and harsh. They take what they want without negotiation, ignore limits, and are generally terrible people.  Of course, you and I both know this is far from accurate.

This is what it means to me:  It means that I trust Sir so much that I am willing to allow him to own every little piece of me.  It means that I know he has my best interests at heart and he may not always give me what I want, but I know he will give me what I need.  I know he will not harm me.  And, sometimes, it means grabbing me by the hair and fucking the life out of me.  It means a lot of things.

I look for the following traits in a Dominant, some serious and some not so serious.  I probably forgot a few.

  1. Not flaky.  Sets rules and follows through, even if discipline is necessary.
  2. Good at spanking. 😉  The fun kind, not the punishment kind I hate.
  3. Patient.
  4. Willing to see the humor in life.  Why so serious? 
  5. Likes cats.
  6. GOOD COMMUNICATOR.  This is like the most important thing ever.
  7. Likes nerdy things.
  8. Smells good.  (No one wants stinky cuddles)
  9. Understands that he is human and might make mistakes sometimes.
  10. Loves me.

My list comes from a place of needing an actual relationship with my D/s.  I am not a casual girl by any means.  Without that strong connection, I cannot submit.

How should a Dominant behave?  Perhaps this might be easier if I tell you how a Dominant should absolutely not behave by using my own past experiences.

  1. A Dominant should NOT ignore your limits just because he “lost his mind for a minute.”  If he cannot control himself, how will he control someone else?
  2. A Dominant should NOT approach a random submissive he has never spoken to in his life and demand that she immediately submit to him.  That’s creepy.
  3. He should NOT be unwilling to talk about feelings, yours or his.  I mean, unless this is part of your agreement, but I cannot imagine why it would be.
  4. He should absolutely, never ever treat a submissive like she is inferior to him.  This excludes humiliation/degradation/etc that is part of a scene.  Just because someone is submissive does NOT mean doormat.  I am not trying to be cocky here, but I cannot tell you how many Domly Doms tried to show up my intelligence and failed miserably.

Of course this is not everything but I think the moral of the story here is that Dominants do not get a pass on being a decent human simply because they are Dominant.  No one does.  Hence, they should behave like decent people.  Luckily, there are plenty of good ones out there if you are patient enough.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, let me know in the comments and stayed tuned because Sir will post his answer to this same question soon!