What does submission mean to you?

The next writing prompt in the 30 Days of D/s is about submission and what it means. Considering that I am indeed a submissive, I hope this will be easy… but, I’m willing to bet it won’t be. ūüėČ

As I mentioned previously, Sir will also be answering this prompt, and all the others, so keep an eye out for that!  You can see previous answers from both myself and Sir, here.

Does a submissive have certain behaviors?  Do submissives do specific tasks? When you think of a submissive and submission, what thoughts come to mind?

So, does a submissive have certain behaviors?  Yes and for the most part, they probably are similar across the board.  Obviously, there will be variances as we were not all created by the same cookie cutter.  I will list a few behaviors of mine that I consider to be submissive behaviors, some obvious and some maybe not so much.  This is absolutely not an exhaustive list and you may not agree.

  1. I am obedient to Sir’s wishes. ¬†This does not mean I am a doormat.
  2. I try my best to be open minded/flexible when it comes to things that might make me a little uncomfortable, but are not necessarily hard limits.
  3. Sir is on my mind 99.9% of the time but I do not let it interfere in my career, friendships, etc..   That said, he is my priority.  Balance is the key.
  4. I am open with him about my likes/dislikes, fears, goals, feelings and anything else you can imagine.
  5. I work to understand that needs/wants are two extremely different things.  I put our needs at equal importance, but I will always put his wants before mine.

The re-occurring theme here is that submissive does not equal weak. ¬†Submission, in my opinion, shows extreme strength. ¬†It isn’t easy to submit to another and give them that kind of power over you. ¬†It certainly is not for everyone. ¬†I crave and need it more than almost anything, but it is still a struggle to give up control sometimes.

While many submissive behaviors might be similar from one submissive to another, their tasks may not be.  I cannot say that submissives have specific tasks.  I only say this because I assume their tasks are set by their Dom and I cannot imagine each and every Dom wants the same thing.

I don’t have a ton but here are is an example or two of tasks from my D/s relationship: ¬†I edge every single day and sometimes more often per Sir’s request. ¬†On the occasion that I am allowed to orgasm, I always record it (we are long distance at the moment, if you did not know.).

When I think of submissives and submission, I think of the following things: freedom (yes, really. ¬†Perhaps I can expand on this later.), trust, deep connections, kink & sex, love, obedience, communication, learning, discipline, rules, strength…. ¬†The list goes on and on.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this same prompt – feel free to leave it in the comments!

‚̧

Advertisements

What does Dominance mean to me?

I have decided to complete the 30 Days of D/s prompts from Loving BDSM¬†which are far more appealing to me than the 30 Days of Kink prompts I had been doing! ¬†They seem more in-depth, like I could actually use them to write a quality post. ¬†Also, bonus, it will not be¬†just¬†me answering as Sir has decided he will also answer the prompts. ¬†He now has editing ability on this blog and will be able to post his own answers. ¬†‚̧ ¬†I think it will be fun to see perspectives from both sub and Dom.

Because I am writing to my own experiences, I will often be referring to Dominants as male and submissives as female. ¬†That is my dynamic. ¬†I am not intentionally leaving anyone out (I loveee everyone), but I cannot confidently write to anyone else’s experience.

Today’s prompt:

“Whether you identify as a Dominant or a submissive, you may have some picture in your mind of what kind of person is a Dominant.

What does dominance in a relationship mean to you? What traits will a Dominant have? How should a Dominant behave?”

Dominance in a relationship, for me at least, has multiple meanings and ways of manifesting.  There seems to be a stereotype (mainly propagated, I assume, by those who have no idea what is actually going on) that all Dom-types are cold, unfeeling, and harsh. They take what they want without negotiation, ignore limits, and are generally terrible people.  Of course, you and I both know this is far from accurate.

This is what it means to me:  It means that I trust Sir so much that I am willing to allow him to own every little piece of me.  It means that I know he has my best interests at heart and he may not always give me what I want, but I know he will give me what I need.  I know he will not harm me.  And, sometimes, it means grabbing me by the hair and fucking the life out of me.  It means a lot of things.

I look for the following traits in a Dominant, some serious and some not so serious.  I probably forgot a few.

  1. Not flaky.  Sets rules and follows through, even if discipline is necessary.
  2. Good at spanking. ūüėČ ¬†The fun kind, not the punishment kind I hate.
  3. Patient.
  4. Willing to see the humor in life.  Why so serious? 
  5. Likes cats.
  6. GOOD COMMUNICATOR.  This is like the most important thing ever.
  7. Likes nerdy things.
  8. Smells good.  (No one wants stinky cuddles)
  9. Understands that he is human and might make mistakes sometimes.
  10. Loves me.

My list comes from a place of needing an actual relationship with my D/s.  I am not a casual girl by any means.  Without that strong connection, I cannot submit.

How should a Dominant behave?  Perhaps this might be easier if I tell you how a Dominant should absolutely not behave by using my own past experiences.

  1. A Dominant should NOT ignore your limits just because he “lost his mind for a minute.” ¬†If he cannot control himself, how will he control someone else?
  2. A Dominant should NOT approach a random submissive he has never spoken to in his life and demand that she immediately submit to him. ¬†That’s creepy.
  3. He should NOT be unwilling to talk about feelings, yours or his.  I mean, unless this is part of your agreement, but I cannot imagine why it would be.
  4. He should absolutely, never ever treat a submissive like she is inferior to him.  This excludes humiliation/degradation/etc that is part of a scene.  Just because someone is submissive does NOT mean doormat.  I am not trying to be cocky here, but I cannot tell you how many Domly Doms tried to show up my intelligence and failed miserably.

Of course this is not everything but I think the moral of the story here is that Dominants do not get a pass on being a decent human simply because they are Dominant.  No one does.  Hence, they should behave like decent people.  Luckily, there are plenty of good ones out there if you are patient enough.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, let me know in the comments and stayed tuned because Sir will post his answer to this same question soon!

A healing submissive

So you may or may not have noticed that my blog’s tagline has changed.¬† Sir pointed out this afternoon that I am not a broken submissive, but a healing one.¬† He’s right of course, so I’m fixing it.

I feel a bit like a giddy teenager – I haven’t thought of much else besides him for the past few days.¬† I was so SO close to giving up on ever finding a Dom and, to be completely honest, I had basically stopped looking.¬† This all still scares me a little bit though – I do not normally get attached THIS quickly.

The biggest issue thus far is that I want to do too much too soon.¬† It makes me really sad when my anxiety/fear from past experiences gets in the way of submitting to and serving Sir in the way that I would like.¬† It makes me feel like I am not a good submissive – even though I know that isn’t really true.¬† It’s that little voice in the back of my head that keeps saying ‘you’re not good enough, you’re always going to fail.’¬† It’s just a sad side effect of the past and it’ll go away with time.¬† It’ll go away as I learned to more fully trust him.

The distance makes me nervous too.¬† You know? Like, what if this continues to progress?¬† At this point, I’m only going to get more attached.¬† We discussed it a teeny bit today and it did make me feel better.¬† I don’t think this is something I need to worry about right this second though – we can cross that bridge later.

There have been so many good ‘signs’ so far.¬† Out of all the Doms I have ever shared this blog with (it’s really only been a few), he is the ONLY one who actually read it and who seems to be genuinely interested in it.¬† He is also the only Dom who hasn’t gotten impatient with me when my anxiety or panic starts to set in.¬† He doesn’t let me off the hook – but, he helps me.. talks to me.. makes me feel like an actual human being instead of just somewhere to stick his cock.

It’s refreshing and even though I feel anxious opening myself to be this vulnerable (because I honestly fear being broken again), I think this is good.¬† I think Sir is good – he sees and appreciates that I’m truly making an effort and that I really, really do want to please him.

 

Ready.

I’ve been in such a strange place in life lately. ¬†I’m feeling more brave than usual. ¬†In my last post I mentioned wanting to just finally let go.

There is someone currently in my life who I think I could trust enough to submit to and I really, really want to.  The desire is far surpassing the fears and resistance I normally have towards submission.  This makes me happy, I was worried the submissive in me was gone.

We shall see what happens…

 

 

Snow storm. Again.

This post is a snowball off my previous post, another mixture of thoughts and revelations and goals.¬† I finally made it home today though my usual one hour drive took almost two and a half hours.¬† It was so icy and at times, no more than a few feet of visibility, a few cars even spun into the ditch because they were going too fast.¬† Even though I have a terrible habit of going out when I should stay home, I’ll never understand people that are not cautious during bad weather.¬† I was going 5o mph on a 70 mph road, and they were easily going over 70.

I don’t think I was in grave danger at any point (such a drama queen, I am sometimes), but, the entire experience very much solidified everything I discussed in my previous post.¬† In fact, doses of Stella honesty were given to a few people the second I walked into my apartment.¬† Those people might read this (I do occasionally tell people about my blog) and that is okay.¬† They know how to reach me if they want to argue their side.¬† However, I have not received any replies and I doubt that I will.

In some cases, I wasted many months trying to trust, to be patient, and to believe that I was not being fed constant lies.¬† It hurts me a lot that I gave someone such an in-depth look into my life, opened up my biggest vulnerabilities for absolutely nothing. It was difficult to be that honest with these people.¬† It was just one that made me feel so sad…

Submission, though it comes naturally when allowed, does not come easy.¬† When those submissive feelings arise, I just want to fight it. It seems like every single time I stop fighting – everything crashes down.¬† For the past few weeks, though?¬† I feel that I am ready to embrace it.¬† I want it, crave it, need it like I used to.¬† I feel very optimistic right now, I think 2017 might be my year. ūüėČ

stella

Christmas Revelations & 2017 Goals

This post half pertains to my D/s journey and half pertains to other aspects of my life.

I’ve spent the last few days at my parents house for the holidays. ¬†I want to go home now, but an ice storm has prevented that from happening. ¬†I love my family but sometimes I just need space. ¬†I imagine they feel the same. ¬†We never have a lot to talk about. ¬†I see the relationships my friends have with their parents and I get jealous. ¬†Hugs aren’t a thing in my family, neither are the words I love you. ¬†In fact, the ONLY time I’ve ever heard my dad say it was after I failed a suicide attempt about three years ago.

Enough about that, just needed to vent.  Sorry.

In 2017, actually, effective immediately, I’m making a vow to stop doing things that make me genuinely miserable and to start evaluating the people I spend my time with. ¬†I don’t want anyone in my life who doesn’t want to be there and I shouldn’t have to accommodate them. ¬†A few people are about to get serious doses of Stella honesty in the next few days.

I think those two specifically have a lot to do with my D/s journey. ¬†I’m just done settling for less than what I truly want, done giving chances to Doms who don’t make a return effort. ¬†There seems to be this misconception that submissives are doormats. ¬†You and I both know that isn’t true and I’m not about to feed into that ridiculous stereotype. ¬†Submissives are some of the strongest people I have ever met, and I will show that strength.

My final major goal is to take charge of my health. ¬†My coworkers and I are doing a three week no sugar thing. ¬†It’s pretty drastic, and I normally don’t go for these type of ‘diets’, but this is an actual life change and does not end after the three weeks.

When I’m eating healthy foods and working out a little bit, I feel so much happier and so much less stressed. ¬†I treat myself like absolute crap 99% of the time and it’s time to just be nice to my ¬†body.

And, finally, I will continue to learn to accept my submissiveness.  Those Doms that hurt me are not part of my life anymore and they cannot affect my future.

stella

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stella Thoughts Again

A quick update on my sexting adventures:¬† I have my profile verified and live.¬† No customers yet but I would assume it is because there are quite a few ‘sexters’ to choose from.¬† This will take time and I knew that!¬† I am also not super clear on how the site works so it’s a learning process.

Yesterday, I got my masquerade mask in the mail so I will finally be able to add better photos to my texting profile.¬† Maybeeee, I’ll post one here.

And, an update on my submissive life: The search is still on.¬† I have received nothing by incredibly disrespectful messages on Collarspace recently, so things aren’t looking up there.¬† Not that I expected them to, that site is terrible 98% of the time.

It’s been the same old, same old.¬† Whiny men twice my age who are upset that I have a preferred age range.¬† Nothing worse than a supposed Dominant dropping by my inbox to bitch.

After my bad experiences, I completely shunned my submissiveness.¬† I hated it, I blamed it for hurting me so much.¬† Lately, especially as I have been able to use this blog as an outlet, I have been able to slowly move past those things.¬† I’m ready to start testing the waters again.

stella